To delay trying for a baby?

[Conkergame]

DH and I are both 33 and if we got pregnant tomorrow we’d be 34 when our first child was born. We’ve both agreed we want kids, probably two, but don’t actually want to get pregnant right now. However we are aware we’re not getting any younger and are wondering whether we should move our plans forward? We are financially stable and should be able to afford it.

On the plus side for moving things forward - we don’t know how long it will take us to get pregnant so it could be a couple of years away anyway; we’ve heard it gets harder to conceive as you get older (although anecdotally we know a number of older parents and it’s younger couples we know who are struggling); we’re worried about our own parents being old and not being able to enjoy the grandkids properly; and COVID is scuppering all of our other plans so we might as well take what control we can! Also, most of our friends are having kids at the moment so it would put us on the same level as them (we’ve felt “behind” for a couple of years as everyone got married around the time we met).

On the side for waiting longer: we met later than we would have liked so have only had 3 years together and one of those has essentially been in lockdown! We want to have a wedding - we got married last year but only with parents and siblings present due to covid and no proper reception. We’re both very sociable people with large friendship groups we would love to celebrate with! Of course we could throw a party after we’ve had a baby but it seems a bit random to do it so long after the wedding and maybe our priorities will change after a child and we won’t want to spend the money? But I think I’d always feel sad to have missed out on that. Same with a honeymoon - we’d love to go on a big holiday together pre-children but due to covid won’t be able to go until later this year. We’re also not living where we want to when we have kids. Our aim is to move this year but it might take time and we don’t want to be still stuck here when the baby arrives. Finally, we haven’t got as far in our careers as we would have liked to when having kids. This means less money and less power/freedom at work to set our own hours etc. We would rather have another couple of years of seniority under the belt. Plus, we just don’t fancy having them yet!

So...given our position and age - WWBU to wait another 18 months to TTC? So we can have our wedding, honeymoon, move house and get further in our careers? Or is that too risky, especially with COVID making weddings and travel difficult anyway!

@MotherOfCrocodiles wow, very envious of your position! Sounds ideal. That makes me want to wait, but then you hear the stories of miscarriages and infertility and we flip the other way!

I think if you don’t want them yet then really it’s not a great idea to do it now but I think you need to be realistic that if it takes longer to conceive then 2 children may be trickier.

If you aren't ready for a baby now then don't have one. BUT I'd definitely think long and hard about how you'd feel if you waited a few more years and then struggled and were over the NHS age limit for help. Would you be happy with a child free life?

There will always be more trips you can take, promotions/job changes to be had and you can make those things work with children but you cant rewind your biological clock.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[quote Conkergame]**@Elbels* and @BeastOfBODMAS* - good to find some people in a similar situation! (Although sorry that you are too - it’s difficult, isn’t it?!)

I can’t help feeling envious of our friends who married and went on a big honeymoon a couple of years ago, but I guess that wouldn’t get around our career issue. Hard to know how much effect a couple of years will have but I think it would give me the chance to become a more indispensable member of the team?[/quote]
It is difficult! I have only ever had jobs rather than a ‘proper’ career but it’s my observation that most companies are not loyal to their staff in that way, they exist to turn a profit not keep people employed so very few people are indispensable when it comes to the crunch.

For me, my job serves my lifestyle not the other way around. But appreciate that for those with worthy and fulfilling careers or who have invested heavily in their qualifications it might be different.

Does your planned move come with a jump in living costs that makes the career progression more critical? Every time my neighbours kick off and my scrolling finger itches for Rightmove, I imagine us both working full time for the pre school years and the feeling passes!

I’d hang fire if your DH is similarly non committal. ExH made noises like this before we TTC and then walked out when DC was a baby- he found the shift in lifestyle and unrelenting nature of having a baby (not getting a lie in on both days of the weekend ) as way too hard. If we’d waited perhaps we’d have had more disposable income for help like a cleaner/regular baby sitter for nights out maybe. But also, obvs he was a dick for doing that.

I also think people need to take responsibility for their own fertility - NHS treatment shouldn't be there as a fall back option for when you've decided you've got your career far enough, or been on holidays To the places you want, had plenty of lie ins and restaurant meals or just "enjoyed it being the two of us". People complain about how under funded the NHS is but then place unnecessary burdens on it - unlike a lot of conditions which require treatment unless you've been through cancer or lost tubes to ectopics for example fertility IS absolutely something you can have some element or control over

Don't delay is my twopence worth, delaying at this age is a bit of a fertility gamble.... We are 34 and 35 and we are going to ttc sooner than I'd have ideally liked (we have a toddler) bc I don't want to risk missing the proverbial boat. We didn't get much couple time together before kiddo but I am really thankful that we had the baba rather than ticked everything off my list and risk no baby. I'm still working on my career and we did travel precovid pandemic, life looks different post baby but it's better ime.

I’m also just not that keen on being pregnant or having a small baby

I'm struggling to understand why you want to have a baby? 4 years is a long time to be unhappy (especially times 2).

As someone finding it difficult to conceive don't postpone. It does get harder as you get older.

I actually do quite agree with @ivfbeenbusy.

It's fantastic that the NHS offers fertility treatment for those who need it but it seems wrong to put off having children so you can carry on partying/travelling and then expect the NHS to fix it when you've left it a bit late.

You don't have to love every stage, and you may find that you like age, say, 8m - 15m and then not for a bit and then yes for a bit more. That's normal too, ime - there are swings in their development. But broadly if you want kids I'd get on with it.

If you’re not sure I’d at least hold off until you are.

Personally I think it might be a while before large weddings are on the cards again though and I don’t think I’d delay for that reason alone.

You can travel with a baby but I’d say it’s a completely different experience and once you’ve got 2 small ones then it definitely is!

Thank you for this thread, it’s really helpful. I am also in the same position. Very similar time frames but married in a small ceremony. I already have a DS from a previous relationship.

We’re waiting.

It’s a personal choice as you need to weigh up what is most important to you. But having had my DS I know that life won’t be the same for a very long time after having a baby. People on here may tell you it will be but it really depends on your life pre baby. If you have an active social life in bars and clubs, a busy career and travel a lot you aren’t getting that back anytime soon but if you enjoy watching TV, meeting people for coffee and going on all inclusive holidays you’ll be fine. That sounds like a judgement but it’s not, babies slow your pace of life and some people already have a slow pace of life they enjoy.

As for having more energy as a younger parent, I know I’m happier to sit around, do nothing and miss out on things now I’m a bit older so I won’t mind having a baby as much. We know our social life won’t be the same with a baby, you can get a baby sitter but you never truly relax and forget about getting home or having the baby the next day.
It’s a hard call to make, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer, but I just wanted to counter the very pro baby narrative on here.

[quote Conkergame]**@Elbels* and @BeastOfBODMAS* - good to find some people in a similar situation! (Although sorry that you are too - it’s difficult, isn’t it?!)

I can’t help feeling envious of our friends who married and went on a big honeymoon a couple of years ago, but I guess that wouldn’t get around our career issue. Hard to know how much effect a couple of years will have but I think it would give me the chance to become a more indispensable member of the team?[/quote]
Yes I totally understand the envy, all those weddings we've been to and loved and couldn't wait to have our own.

The career one is interesting, I've just had a promotion which in my head is what I was looking for before I started to think about children and my workplace have just increased their mat leave offering too so that it's super generous. My partner though has had work ruined through covid so we're still a bit unsettled but comfortable if that makes sense. Part of me also thinks that you'll have 30 plus years of working after you have your child so there's time to make up for it!

@Elbels yes, I’m in a very similar position to you as I also got the promotion I was waiting for and although DH’s work is going OK he really wants to leave, so his job will be up in the air for the next year until he works out what to do/where to go.

I’ve tried to think about the 30 more years of work perspective but I feel in my career (law), women who take time off while still relatively junior seem to stall for a good 7-8 years while their kids are young, whereas women who don’t have kids until they’ve “made it” fly high and become very successful. So I’m worried that taking a break now will have long- term impact on how the rest of my career goes Guess it just depends on your sector and company though.

What feels more important to you at this moment?family or career?

I thought we had waited for the "right" time then it took 4 years to conceive (and that was 4 years of tears, miscarriages, heartbreak and loss, not 4 years of one line on a pregnancy test, TTC isn't like that). When we finally got PG, my work fell apart while I was on maternity and my DH lost his job at the start of the pandemic, then I had 12 months of suicidal PND. We're not waiting with DC2 because secondary infertility is real and risk goes up as you and DH get older (risk of complications in PG, risk of chromosomal abnormalities e.g. Patau/Edwards syndrome which are fatal but get lumped in with Down Syndrome, etc).
I think one big thing you need to ask yourself is how many babies you want. You need to work out what gap you want between your babies and whether you will have time to do that. 35/36 is fine if you only want a small family with short gaps between babies. But if you have your heart set on four (for example), you will really struggle to complete your family if you don't get cracking. It's in no way fair, but I know a lot of women who waited then couldn't have baby number two. Conversely, my DG had my mum when she was 41 so it's different for everyone.

Plus, we just don’t fancy having them yet! - that is the answer. Wait till you want a baby. An unwanted child is the most miserable thing in the world.

Hi OP,

I was the same age you are now when we started TTC. Like you, we were debating it for a while. We wanted to have all our “ducks in a row” with our home, savings, jobs etc as well as feeling that we had enjoyed our freedom, went on lots of holidays etc.

I ended up having two miscarriages before we conceived our DD. It was not plain sailing and took longer than we thought it would, plus the emotional turmoil from the losses was something I never factored into our plans.

We absolutely adore her and now that she’s here I feel that we probably overthought TTC and dithered about it too long. In hindsight I think I would have started trying sooner. It’s totally your call however, I would advise you not to take fertility for granted and never assume it will all go really smoothly and quickly.

Also, I think people can sometimes be a bit negative and say things like, “ooh get all the sleep you can now!” Or “go on all the holidays you can because there’ll be none when the babies arrive!” As if somehow your life will end when you have kids. This absolutely isn’t true and children will change your life for the better and you can still have holidays and nights out etc, they just need a bit more planning once you have kids

@Conkergame

On the career front - I have a very challenging career in a male dominated industry. I love my job and a few years ago would have said I was driven to break the glass ceilings for women in my profession. BUT then I struggled to conceive aged 32.....and was infertile by 36 with no choice but to use IVF - someone told me "nobody every had good employee on their headstone" . I got married age 29 and I wish I'd started trying to conceive even a year or two earlier and it might have made all the difference

@Kokeshi123 thanks for that tip, I didn’t realise that about menopause. I think my mum was about 50.

Is it the idea of children that you like?

Babies and young children can be hard work. You have to really want them (in my experience). And you don’t sound like you do.

But the on the other hand, my friends waited, decided at 38 it was the right time and then learnt they are too late.

@BeastOfBODMAS yes, we’d be moving to a bigger house so our mortgage costs would be higher, then childcare fees on top.

Also, it’s more that the higher up you get, the more power you have to set your own timings and call the shots a bit more, which would help a lot with childcare issues!

We had our second baby in June. I'm 42 and seem to get pregnant quite easily, but that definitely isn't the case for everyone, and we did have 2 miscarriages last year.

I wouldn't wait. There will never be "the perfect time". But then none of that other stuff really matters to me.

We're now engaged and thinking about weddings, edging closer to buying a house, which some may consider putting the cart before the horse but at my (old, old) age, we were faced with a pretty hard biological line that it seemed pretty unlikely we'd be able to get around.

We had our first child when I was 39 after being together 18 months. We just knew that was right for us.

We luckily managed to get married 5 months before lockdown. But we had delayed ttc until after that. For many reasons you say and also we have only been together 5 years even now. I'm 38 this month. Ttc for over a year and nothing is happening. So now I'm regretting delaying it.