To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
   
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
   
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer
   
   All options seem pretty depressing.

[jdoejnr1]

I'd leave. People with this kind of conspiracy theory ideas rarely snap out of it and usually get worse. Life is far to short to live with someone who is that mentally draining.

[ittooshallpass]

I think you know you have to split up. His opinions and yours are no longer aligned in any way shape or form.

I'd move closer to your family as planned so that your children will have him close by for the visits they will have with their dad once you split up.

It's better for everyone that he is close by so that 400 mile round trips aren't needed.

Unless he doesn't really want to move and is only doing it for you. In which case I'd just go - he will have to travel to see his kids or not as the case may be.

So sad and scary that he has gone down the conspiracy rabbit hole. I worked with a woman who did this - everything was a conspiracy apparently. It cost her, her marriage and a number of friends.

[Ohalrightthen]

If this has come on suddenly, which it sounds like it has, it's possible that he's having a psychotic break and needs help.

[Pizzaistheanswer]

I agree that it sounds like he might be having some sort of mental health crisis.

That said, I would try to hang on until you move back to your family, so long as he is not a danger to you or the children. If you leave, he could take you to the courts to stop you moving away and back to your family. You could start consulting a sollicitor though.

[longwayoff]

Oh OP, you poor thing. It's unlikely he'll come back from this. Think of your children, they deserve better than being subject to such lunacy. I'd be particularly concerned that he's hiding this from you. Time to move. Don't leave it too long. Wish you well.

[Tarantallegra]

I'd separate and give him the opportunity to fix things by seeking professional help. If he's willing to accept he has a problem, seek help and get rid of the groups then there is a way back from this but I wouldn't stay with him and wait around as he needs to know you're serious.

I do know someone that went down this rabbit hole and spiralled out of control, he got proper help and is back to his normal self but it only happened because his wife made some serious and terrifying choices, I'm incredibly proud of her for her strength and I know he is grateful to her for forcing his hand and saving his mental health.

All of this is if you still love him and want to be with him though, if you don't then yes I would simply leave.

[WhereamI88]

Keep it under review. Covid has caused a lot of anxiety and also caused people to try and look for an answer to the horrible and seemingly meaningless things happening around us. It would almost make more sense if there was a conspiracy (not that I believe that but even I'm struggling to find a sense to things). Not saying you have to put up with this forever but it's only been a few months. Give him a chance to turn around.

[VenusOfWillendorf]

I think you need to talk to him about it - and see how much of it he actually believes and how much of it is just fascination with alternative theories.
It's perfectly possible to spend time in these groups and interact and play along to see what people say - without actually buying into it.

If its something that has only just come up for him within the last six months, and if everything else is happy and well, I wouldn't throw away your relationship without trying to figure out what might be behind this.

[Zoecarter]

Are you currently near his support system ?? You can’t move him 200 miles away from his support network and split up with him that’s not ethical

[Suzi888]

@VenusOfWillendorf

I think you need to talk to him about it - and see how much of it he actually believes and how much of it is just fascination with alternative theories.
It's perfectly possible to spend time in these groups and interact and play along to see what people say - without actually buying into it.

If its something that has only just come up for him within the last six months, and if everything else is happy and well, I wouldn't throw away your relationship without trying to figure out what might be behind this.

I agree with @VenusOfWillendorf

[CorianderLord]

Sounds like he's having a breakdown to me

[TeddyIsaHe]

Are you my MP? Her husband has come out as a bonkers covid conspiracy theorist. It would be amusing if it wasn’t so worrying.

Can you have a proper sit down when you’re both relaxed, and really talk about what he believes? Find out if he’s just parroting shite he’s read online, or if it is something he truly thinks is happening? Some people follow what others think when they find a ‘tribe’ and get led because they enjoy the discussions and friendship.

If he’s truly Qanon then I don’t know. It’s easy to say leave immediately! But you’ve got children so it’s not simple. I know I couldn’t put up with someone believing in that crap.

Has he had any recent stresses/problems? Sometime when people have a big thing happen in their life they look for ways to distract their brain, maybe this is part of that?

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

I would feel the same about the children. I wouldn't want them spending prolonged periods of time alone with him.

Perhaps he needs some help. It could be some sort of break down.

[ItIsEnola]

Setting up a fake account to stalk your DH online isn't usual or healthy behaviour.
People post lots of rubbish online that has no bearing on their RL. I would not be leaving a happy relationship because my DH had fallen down some conspiracy wormhole for a few months. Plus lots of people follow conspiracies and then come back out. You shut down any communication on the topic so you have no idea how he actually thinks or feels about any of this.

I also agree with a PP that you can't move him 200 miles away from his support network and dump him.

If you're unhappy for other reasons, own those reasons, end the relationship then move.

[giletrouge]

Tell him you're thinking of leaving him; try and shock him into seeing how destructive he's being. Then an ultimatum; either he gets some counselling or you'll follow through. It's a delusion, it's possible he could recover from it but the world is very hard at the moment and this is some kind of pre-existing vulnerability I think. Really difficult OP.

[JuiceyBetty]

Keep it under review imo. Sounds like a mental health crisis. You need to talk to him.

[Friendsoftheearth]

Move with him to your family area and ask him to get some professional help - he needs to discuss his fears with someone other than you. If he was otherwise a wonderful husband and father it would be a shame to call it a day now if in a few months he recovers from this.

It could be a mental health crisis, it could be covid freaking him out, he could think it is 'fun' and 'interesting' and entertaining, and not be as emeshed as you describe in real life. We are living in very strange times, and it is affecting absolutely everyone in different ways op.

Move, so you have a safety net - and family for support. Spend the time building up your network, whilst he is geting some professional help and see where that leads you. Make sure you are financially independent, and have things organised should the worst happen.

I wouldn't worry about how contact will happen in a few years, but take one step at a time, the first one being your move back to family.

[Peachy1381]

@VenusOfWillendorf

I think you need to talk to him about it - and see how much of it he actually believes and how much of it is just fascination with alternative theories.
It's perfectly possible to spend time in these groups and interact and play along to see what people say - without actually buying into it.

If its something that has only just come up for him within the last six months, and if everything else is happy and well, I wouldn't throw away your relationship without trying to figure out what might be behind this.

Agree with this. If the relationship is generally solid you should be trying to have a calm conversation about your concerns before hitting the nuclear option.

[Friendsoftheearth]

I think you need to examine your own rigid thinking, because debating conspiracy theories and even believing in some of them is not as uncommon as you think. Closing down the debate simply because you think it is BS smacks of someone not even able to consider different viewpoints. You might think it is far out and stupid, but not everyone has to agree with your world view. Listening to him, gently challenging and debating different ideas and theories is not indulging his fantasies or cult op, it is being intellectually flexible enough to know there are many strange things in the world, we don't have all of the answers - we never will, and some of the forums will simply be entertainment or your dh may be up completely taken in with it all.

You should also examine why you are so frightened by a different way of thinking, and challenge your own prejudice and pre conditioned ideas.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

Yanbu, but please talk to him before you make any move. I know you agreed not to discuss the cult, but it has damaged your relationship almost beyond repair. Realising he'll lose you may bring him to his senses, or at least help him back away from the cult and see it more clearly.

The trouble is, the UK government's response to Covid has been so chaotic that it's easy to spin conspiracy theories around it. The (most likely) fact is that it's sheer incompetence because Boris Johnson "doesn't do details", but that's less exciting.

It's almost impossible to counter these mad arguments with sense and science. Do any MNers know of therapists, or any other resources, who have experience of helping people out of cults?

Maybe the best thing is to tell him you can't continue this way and ask him to spend more time with you and DC instead of poring through this stuff online. Getting back into the real world may help clear his head.

Good luck, Abbeywell. I hope he gets his head together.

[crosspelican]

I have nothing useful to contribute, but just wanted to say that I understand to a certain extent.

My elderly father now watches/reads almost nothing except Russian state propaganda. I have to keep all conversation with him very superficial (what did you do today? How's the garden?) to stop him kicking off about what a great job Russia/Putin is doing in Russia/Syria/generally, how Trump is the best thing to ever happen to America, how Clinton would have plunged the world into nuclear war, Obama was a failure, George Soros is plotting to bring down the world, and criticising and sneering at literally everything else. WE'RE NEITHER RUSSIAN NOR AMERICAN, incidentally.

He has ZERO other content. Occasional forays into the Daily Mail. Won't read any paid-for news content - says he won't pay for it, but even when I bought him subsciptions for other centre-right media he never logged in.

I feel like I've lost my only surviving parent.

I don't know how you can handle this with your husband. Presumably early dementia isn't a factor (!) so I guess you can get through? But the problem with the pure fiction of QAnon is that it's so batshit that you can't reasonably present an opposing view, because "Well, they WOULD say they weren't drinking the blood of children, wouldn't they? IT'S ALL GEORGE SOROS!" or something.

[BohemianDream]

It's easy to feed into these things if you allow yourself. There is corruption and child abuse in Hollywood, reports of human organ trafficking in China etc. And although they may not be microchipping us, they are trying to push though a covid 19 vaccination which has not been as thoroughly tested as it should. There will be elements of truth in some of the things he is reading and it can be difficult to know when to stop.
He has delved too far into a rabbit hole, i'm sure it would be worth you speaking to him and trying to pull him back out of it if he is a good partner and father in other aspects.

[VinylDetective]

@WhereamI88

Keep it under review. Covid has caused a lot of anxiety and also caused people to try and look for an answer to the horrible and seemingly meaningless things happening around us. It would almost make more sense if there was a conspiracy (not that I believe that but even I'm struggling to find a sense to things). Not saying you have to put up with this forever but it's only been a few months. Give him a chance to turn around.

⬆️ This.

[Abbeywell79]

He absolutely believes this. He hates it when I refer to it as his 'belief' because for him, it's all 100% fact. You cannot argue with him and he does not waver.

It was his idea to move near to my family as whilst we currently live near his family, they are not close and he doesn't have many friends. He works away during the week anyway so we are used to seeing him only for long weekends.

He has experienced some personal problems over the last few months (want to be careful what I say as don't want to be too outing) and I am fully understanding of how he got involved in all of this - he is an intelligent man but is easily-led, particularly by more dominant males and has been bullied as an adult. He's a prime candidate but I know he won't accept help as he genuinely doesn't see it as a problem.

Maybe I made a mistake in shutting him down but I have to protect my own mental health and if carrying on as if nothing is happening helps then I need to do that. It does mean there's this enormous elephant in the room however and it does need to be addressed.

My gut feeling is, as someone said above, is to move and build a support network and then deal with it.

I guess I thought that if splitting up was inevitable then it's best to do it whilst our children won't remember it so it has the least impact. But we honestly don't have any other problems, I was never looking to leave. It's my absolute last resort.

[IamAporcupine]

I agree you cannot move 200 miles and then dump him!

This sounds like a breakdown/mental health crisis. You should try to talk to him to see what he really thinks and what he is just parroting as PP have said.

I went through a phase when I believed 9/11 was faked . I have no idea what got hold of me, but the amount of shite I used to believe is unbelievable! DH would listen to me and nod. He now says he thought I was completely bonkers. WE call it my 'Alex Jones' period.