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To be hurt by this

(205 Posts)
sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 10:50:01

I am fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable but this feels so shit and I don't know if it's me or it's not very nice

So I have two children and live in the uk.

My parents are expats and have moved between a few countries. At the moment they live in Switzerland. I have lived there before as a teenager, I love it.

I am now 27, almost 28.

My sister lives in the UK too.

My parents have not made any noises about settling back into England, to be closer to the family.

I haven't seen my parents since Boxing Day. They came for Christmas to the UK and it was so nice to not have to travel with a baby and a toddler. They don't have space for us in their home in Switzerland so it's easier if we stay in an air bnb etc.
Last week my sister was finally able to go to Switzerland and see them. She had a really good time. I couldn't go with the kids because there's not enough space for us there.
They haven't made plans to come to England yet.
I said I was hoping to visit them in the 2nd week of July and they then sprung it on me that they are going to their holiday home in Italy. For 2.5 weeks. Well it's emerged it's actually 4 weeks.
There's also not enough space for me in their apartment there either with the kids and my husband. So they then decided to invite me to Italy with my kids but notmy husband as there would then be enough space?
I can't fly alone with a child and my baby. Obviously. My 4 year old is really naughty and it's a struggle with my husband and I to control him.
Then I was told to come with my sister so I said fine I will do that and work around her dates,
Then I was told my sister would fly out with me but not back with me? Then I was told my sister and her boyfriend are going I would stay a week then fly back alone with the boys? So I would basically be not welcome to stay with her and her boyfriend after my parents left
They all seem to think flyling alone with a baby who's not walking a 4 year old who is extremely naughty is possible? How would I take the 4 year old to the toilet how would I get the suitcases?
I feel upset that the sister and boyfriend are basically going together so I feel like the third wheel with my family
I feel offended they have decided to spend a month in Italy before coming to see me
I feel offended we were invited as an after thought
I feel offended it was asked why it's a big deal to travel with them? I honestly think they live in cuckoo world because I have chronic pain issues with damage in my back and holding a child for a legnth of time whilst holding nappy bags and a 4 year olds hand who's trying to run off is shit
I don't want to go off and leave my husband behind and be in the sun with them?
If there was no space for my husband how come my sister and her boyfriend can now miraculously fit in?
They said it was like always their plan but it's nonsense
They have etched out the longest possible stay with zero intention of coming here to see me
I don't have the money to fly around everywehre and see them
I said I can go to Switzerland to see them
I said I can go to Switzerland and when they come back from Italy see them (to be told I'll be working so can only see you in the evening?)
I said I can go before they go to Italy but was told they will be working
So for them unless I go to Italy for those specific 6 days it doesn't work

AIBU to behurt And cross and think fuck then

OP’s posts: |
sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 11:07:52

Please anyone 😔
They are waiting for a text back

OP’s posts: |
icelollycraving Thu 09-Jul-20 11:11:09

YANBU to feel hurt.
I imagine that as people are not so much in the kid stage, they are not keen on spending time with a naughty little one. Pre dc I would not have been remotely interested in spending my holidays with my nieces, harsh but true.
They are not prioritising seeing you so I would do the same and not overly bother. It is hurtful though. When they ask why you haven't visited, tell them the reasons!

summerfruitssquash Thu 09-Jul-20 11:11:48

Just say you won’t bother, why are you looking at flying here there and everywhere for your parents who clearly don’t give enough of a shit to make some effort theirselves?

icelollycraving Thu 09-Jul-20 11:12:49

No way would I travel for 6 days with two kids to see family who aren't bothered. Sorry though, it must hurt.

sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 11:14:41

I feel like they can make more of an effort for me. I would fly to see my grandkids.
I wouldn't leave my sons for 9 months without seeing them knowing they are struggling in a pandemic and isolated
I'm hurt
They have so much money as well they can one hundred percent afford to fly to the UK and stay for a few days in an air bnb or a hotel.

I'm not making the effort they can come here.

OP’s posts: |
rowrowrowyaboat Thu 09-Jul-20 11:16:27

Sounds like theyre not that bothered about seeing you and the kids to me....is your little one naughty all the time? Maybe they find him too much. Maybe its too much for your children too. Id leave it till the kids are older tbh. Sorry op, i know that must feel crap, nothing worse than having an unsupportive family.

LouiseTrees Thu 09-Jul-20 11:16:32

Tell them you’ll feel like a third wheel and the practicalities of travelling with two young kids on your own back feels too much for you. Also say you would have love to have come as a full family before your eldest child got to school age and say you hope at your next mutual break they would consider spending time with you as your sister will have gotten this time.

Shoxfordian Thu 09-Jul-20 11:17:32

Just say no if it isn't possible for you
I do think you're creating obstacles a little bit, plenty of people fly alone with more than one child and can cope fine with it.

LouiseTrees Thu 09-Jul-20 11:17:59

Oh and I think they sound like they want to be reliving their youth and probably are trying to put you off as they don’t want kids around too as the PP said.

Shoxfordian Thu 09-Jul-20 11:18:02

Have you actually invited them here to stay with you?

LouiseTrees Thu 09-Jul-20 11:19:16

Shoxfordian

Just say no if it isn't possible for you
I do think you're creating obstacles a little bit, plenty of people fly alone with more than one child and can cope fine with it.

I kind of a agree with this too OP but it does seem very off that your DH isn’t invited but sisters partner is.

Allgirlskidsanddogs Thu 09-Jul-20 11:19:28

Simple text back, “I’m sorry that doesn’t work for my family.“

LittleMissRedHat Thu 09-Jul-20 11:20:23

I'll be honest, if your 4 year old is as naughty as you make them out to be, I'd be putting obstacles in your way too in the hope you didn't come. Sorry, but I'm really child intolerant (even though I have one of my own grin ) and the thought of having a naughty child with a mother that can't control them and a baby in what sounds like a small place sounds like an utter nightmare!

YANBU to be sad though.

SpillTheTeaa Thu 09-Jul-20 11:22:32

I would be saying no thanks and when they can be bothered and stop making you feel like an extra let you know.

sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 11:22:53

No he's ok to be honest when he's not confined, he is a full on personality and he wants to chat all the time.
He is very obedient for my parents because it's novel seeing them (as it stands right now it will be 2 times in the last twelve months)

They say I'm impatient with him and should be less cross but I think he's naughty eg pulling wallpaper off wall in his room, taking things from baby brother, holding baby brother so he can't crawl off, chopping his bed sheet?
It's an attention thing because if he has undivided attention he is as good as gold.

I basically needed to hear that they aren't making the effort

They always say how much they love and miss the kids but tbh I think they prefer smelling of Hermes perfume and eating dinner at 9pm on the beach
Which is lovely
But my life is more about picnics, dinner at a time when my children can keep their eyes open and playing with them and not worrying about my sons cars on the floor bothering neighbors below in the apartment

My sister also says how much she loves and misses them but I think it's really shit they basically don't want to help me fly there and then begrudge the fact I don't want to fly alone with them

My mum and sister don't even drive ffs , they are oblivious

I would have two car seats
A suit Case
Nappy bag
Pram
Baby sling
4 year old
1 year old, literally last week turned one?

And then I would have to walk with the baby and no bugs and the 4 year old to the suitcases
Bribe the 4 year old while I tried to fetch bags and chairs
And then either be collected by husband or go and get a car from a multi-storey

They are so oblivious

OP’s posts: |
Brefugee Thu 09-Jul-20 11:24:26

YANBU to be hurt, but YABU for wanting everyone to do everything your way.

Frankly I wouldn't want to have a naughty 4 year old around either if I had grown up children. Those days are over for me.

I can't fly alone with a child and my baby. Obviously.

It's not actually obvious, but if you don't think you can, don't do it.

Explain to your parents how hurt you are, if you like, but they probably feel they've offered enough alternatives. flowers

icelollycraving Thu 09-Jul-20 11:25:40

Tbh I would rather have their life, it sounds pretty nice wink

AriettyHomily Thu 09-Jul-20 11:25:42

LittleMissRedHat

I'll be honest, if your 4 year old is as naughty as you make them out to be, I'd be putting obstacles in your way too in the hope you didn't come. Sorry, but I'm really child intolerant (even though I have one of my own grin ) and the thought of having a naughty child with a mother that can't control them and a baby in what sounds like a small place sounds like an utter nightmare!

YANBU to be sad though.

This!!

sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 11:26:07

You can also only fly with Ryanair to the airport there so they are notoriously difficult with handluggage

Both kids go to sleep all night no problems
Both kids eat everything
Both kids v charming

But I feel left out
And I feel that it's not practical during social distancing to try and fly
I can't ask a stranger to hold my baby whilst I take the 4 year old to the toilet
I live two hours from the airport in England
Parents place is 90 mins from airport in Italy
Flight is 3 hours

OP’s posts: |
sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 11:27:20

I said I could do so many other options
I was told only these six days basically
Out of a 6 week stint I said I can come
I would drive to Switzerland it is quicker then flying

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Thu 09-Jul-20 11:28:23

Your parents have made their priorities clear.

I would take a step back and leave them to it.

I would just reply "I'm not well enough to fly on my own with the children so I'll see you when you next come to the UK"

TBH I think your parents want a child free holiday (and life) sad

icelollycraving Thu 09-Jul-20 11:29:40

They have told you what works for them, it doesn't work for you. Just tell them that. Next time they say they miss the grandchildren, tell them to visit then.

sensitiveorright Thu 09-Jul-20 11:32:55

Yes I think I'll leave it
I said to them I don't want to talk about it it's too much work for me to come alone

I'm going to leave it at that
I can't bare falling out with people
I always feel like my heart will break when I think about the fact they live away and I'm missing the last of their prime years before they get old and crumbly

OP’s posts: |
kenandbarbie Thu 09-Jul-20 11:36:54

When they come to stay with you, do they stay at your house? Which would they prefer - hotel or your house? I would say it's too difficult to fly on your own with two small children, but they are welcome to come to you whenever they want. As it's Ryanair couldn't they even come for a cheap weekend? So much easier as adults, they wouldn't even need to check in any luggage. If not then I think you have to conclude they would rather adults only trips. It is selfish of them imo.

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