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DS wants equal spent

(393 Posts)
uniparents Mon 06-Jul-20 22:23:05

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

OP’s posts: |
notacooldad Mon 06-Jul-20 22:25:03

I would probably say if you went to university I would have spent tbe sa.e on you. You chose not to go.

steff13 Mon 06-Jul-20 22:26:29

I would tell her no. You facilitated both of their choices equally, it seems.

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 06-Jul-20 22:26:52

I would tot up accomodation costs at market rate and charge her.

Di11y Mon 06-Jul-20 22:27:23

she lived/s with you. how much would rent, food, utilities have been? She needs to understand the difference between equitable and equal.

Madre1972 Mon 06-Jul-20 22:28:17

I’d not be discussing my finances in front of my children tbh but now you have I’d be telling DD not to be so cheeky. They chose different routes, you did your best by both of them.

GreenTulips Mon 06-Jul-20 22:28:50

I think you were mad to work it out and discuss it.

I have two likely to go to uni and one definitely won’t.

Their choice and we will support them all in their choices. It’s won’t be fair or equal, but our job as parents is whatever support they need.

RippleEffects Mon 06-Jul-20 22:28:57

Where would it end? If you have a grandchild on one side of the family does the child on the other side get bought a present on the grandchilds birthday too?

OnlyFoolsnMothers Mon 06-Jul-20 22:29:07

Err no! It’s really not her business to know the calculations or demand anything. Do you think I added up what my parents spent on me vs my sister?! You facilitated their choices, that’s enough!

Alanna1 Mon 06-Jul-20 22:29:34

I would say no, but that if she wanted to do a degree I’d do my best to fund her to a similar level, or I’d consider helping her out with a house deposit in due course. Also I don’t have a £20k car myself!!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 06-Jul-20 22:30:15

She had the option.

And how much has she cost you in the years since she left school?

Ellie56 Mon 06-Jul-20 22:30:27

Er no I wouldn't be paying out £20,000 for a car. I might help her out though and give her a bit towards one, but I would also tell her what PP said.

Sparklesocks Mon 06-Jul-20 22:30:49

I can understand on the surface why it appears uneven. But unfortunately life doesn’t work like that, they went down different paths which cost different amounts - but it’s not a equal split down to last pound. If one sibling did a 4 year at university and the other did a 3 year, the second sibling wouldn’t be given the tuition money in cash to make up for the 4th year.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 06-Jul-20 22:32:01

Also, the thing is, now she has demanded it you really cant just give into her. Why would you? It's like rewarding a toddler when they tantrum.

RedCatBlueCat Mon 06-Jul-20 22:32:07

Have you added in rent, bills and food for the time she lived with you for free?

WorraLiberty Mon 06-Jul-20 22:32:50

God loves a trier but that takes the piss hmm

She's not entitled to your money.

Entitled to your help if she needs it - yes (not just financial but help is what parents do).

Entitled to your money just because she fancies it? - Hell no!

FannyGobble Mon 06-Jul-20 22:33:08

I had this exact situation where my parents funded my sister through uni. I asked if they were going to spend the same on me... They said yes - when you go to uni. Never did and never mentioned it again!

LouiseTrees Mon 06-Jul-20 22:33:26

You’ve posted twice and I’ve commented on the other one but posting her so following both.

istandwithJKR Mon 06-Jul-20 22:33:25

So controversially I agree with your DD. I don't think she should have a say as to when she gets the money (assuming you have it to give) or for what but I really don't think you should fund one child more than the other regardless of the life path they choose.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 06-Jul-20 22:33:49

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan

You invested in his future.

Buying her a 20k car is missing money up the wall which will devalue at an alarming rate.

CoffeeCup34 Mon 06-Jul-20 22:33:51

But £20k on education will pay dividends (well, hopefully anyway) whereas £20k on a car will depreciate fast.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 06-Jul-20 22:34:02

pissing

LellyMcKelly Mon 06-Jul-20 22:34:07

No, tell her if she goes to uni you will support her in the same way. You’re already supporting her now!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 06-Jul-20 22:34:10

Cost!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 06-Jul-20 22:35:16

I really don't think you should fund one child more than the other regardless of the life path they choose

She has funded dd - college fees, bed, board and pocketmoney.

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