This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
AITA Treating my daughter differently than my sons(321 Posts)
Sorry for the long background, but gives you an idea of the issues being faced.
Mother of three. First two children, twin boys from first marriage. First husband was my school sweetheart and we got married very very young. Everyone expected us to have babies straightaway because they thought we were irresponsible youngsters. To be fair we probably would have but as it happened I had a medical issue so the boys didn’t come along until a few years later.
My husband died shortly after the boys were born. The circumstances of his death were heavily investigated as it happened at work. His employer were found at fault and we received a pay-out, compensation and additional from his small pension.
My husband and I had been considering separating after the discovery of his cheating while i was pregnant. He had moved into the spare room but at the point of his death everything had been pretty much amicable. His family were aware of the situation so the payouts became a huge family drama as his wider family felt that even though we hadn’t started any form of divorce I wasn’t entitled to anything because we were considering parting ways.
The whole thing got very nasty as the sums of money were substantial and the awards were appealed repeatedly by them with his employer and Pension Company (these types of payouts are considered discretionary so open to challenge) In the end oil was put on the water by confirming that outside of buying a house the rest was placed aside for the boys and their education. Please note that this was quite some time ago and boys are now due to start university.
10 years after this I started very casually dating FBW. We were only ever going to be FWB as I was not looking for anything serious and I had got used to my own company (I had not dated at all in the 10 years bringing up two kids and working full time leaves little space). He was dealing with the fallout from his very acrimonious divorce. Despite being careful I very surprisingly fell pregnant which was a massive shock bearing in mind how long it taken to fall pregnant with the boys. FBW was horrified as having children was never part of his life plan. (He’s since got married and had two children lol)
FWB has been part of his daughter’s life in that he does make time for her but he is never paid support or taken her overnight as he had very strong feelings at the time about how things should have been dealt with. He had zero interest really until she was an older child. He has a pattern and normally only comes by when he’s having issues with his kids/wife as our daughter was a bit of a daddy’s girl so is always pleased to see him and it flatters his ego (sorry I got a bit snarky there but he’s very cavalier with her and it makes my blood boil)
With this in mind I was LIVID yesterday when FWB popped in. We were casually discussing the boys uni when I realised that FWB was under the impression that our daughter will be going to a private school and had a university/house Fund put aside for her. I asked FBW with whose money? He pointed out that the boys had both these things. I explained that the boys have been funded by their fathers inheritance. Whereas our daughter was not and therefore wouldn’t have these opportunities unless we were both willing to pay ourselves.
FWB then got extremely upset as he had always thought she was going to get the same and went on a rant about how unfair it was. His argument was that the children were all one family and should be treated equally. The money was rightfully as much of *our daughter as it was my sons. I advised him that wasn’t the case that was a specific legal agreement the money was always for the boys.
He left an absolute rage and as advised that he is going to speak to a solicitor in this matter to protect his daughter’s interests. He then called me a Ahole and a terrible mother or i would fight for her right to have the same - but to be honest i just don't see it that way, the money was my husband providing for his children - she is not one of his children. Which made him even madder!
I currently have 11 missed calls from him.
*normally shes my daughter in our occasional arguments but suddenly she HIS/OUR daughter
Is this man still your fwb?
I mean if yhe money is legally for your sins, its legally for your sons. Not sure what else you can do.
How old is your daughter? Surely this has been discussed before?
He sounds like a dickhead. So he has paid NOTHING for your daughter but expected you to fund not only her basic living expenses but also private school, uni and a house?!
If you want to make additional provision for your daughter in your will then perhaps that would balance the inequality, but that's totally up to you. If your husband's death benefit has been earmarked for his sons, that's just how it is.
The entitlement of the FWB in unbelievable. And FWIW I would also start requesting maintenance from him. What a twat.
Well let him consult a solicitor. If the money is in trust for your sounds then that’s legally binding. If YOU, as parent to all three children, were to seek a variation of that trust I guess you might be successful but as you say, you don’t think that’s right.
Don’t engage with him. He sounds absolutely awful.
Out of interest to what extent will your DD’s education and life be different to her brothers’. In her position I could understand if she feels resentful down the line if her opportunities are far fewer.
Well if he wanted her to attend uni he should have a fund for her...
He is a cf and has used your purse readily to support his dd with.
A massive cf indeed.
Ignore op. And no way would he be in my house.
I think the real question is, why do you even care what someone who has paid nothing for his child and shows very little interest in her bar being something he can drop in and out to spend an hour or so seeing thinks about it?
Unless he's going to stump up the cash to pay for all this, where does he think it's coming from? Why doesn't he pay for his daughter when he's paying for his other kids?
Let him speak to his solicitor - they might want to point out he can start paying maintenance backdated to help pay for all the thing he wants for his daughter but has no intention of helping to provide.
You are quite obviously right and he is quite obviously wrong. I wouldn't engage any further on the subject with him; but I don't know how you stop him harping on and make him see the light as he is determined to be difficult.
This reminds me of the thread with the MIL's mad SIL and the inheritance from a while ago. Zero Logic
I'm horrified that your husband's family got involved over any payments to you and the children. You weren't divorced - what was it to do with them?
As for this guy - words fail me. I hope he spends a fortune on a lawyer - he'll certainly learn that he hasn't a leg to stand on.
Oh and get yourself over to the CSA and get payments sorted for your daughter. She has a right to that.
So this gobshite, who you say has never paid a penny for his child, expects your sons to give up their inheritance from their dad.
WTF does he think a solicitor will do except laugh at him?
Why doesn't he pay child support?
Do his other children go to private school?
That's a difficult one. (I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that!)
Putting the actions of your DD's father aside - it's despicable that he doesn't pay anything at all for her and I'd do everything I could to pursue maintenance.
I supposed it's difficult to have two of your children be very privileged, albeit by a tragic event and the third not having the same benefit although this is nobody's fault.
I suppose all that you can maybe do now is put anything extra that you have aside for your DD, but if the moment legally belongs to the boys then there's not much else that can be done.
How old is your daughter? I'd be inclined to claim back payments for maintenance and tell him you'll put it towards the school and uni fees...
Bit seriously, it's absolutely none of his business what you do with your money. If he wants her to have these privileges, he will have to help fund them. It's very rich that he expects her to have these things but is not prepared to pay for any if it.
Does he even pay any maintenance?
Well, perhaps the bell end should start putting some money away for his daughter then?
Fucking idiot. Why would your late husband's inheritance for his sons be split with a child born after his death that he was not related to? FWB pays fuck all but expects another man to posthumously pay for it?
FWB needs a slap.
Claim maintenance, go after him for the years of back pay he owes your daughter, then put it in a savings account for school and uni. Easy peasy!
Whilst it’s sad your daughter doesn’t get the same treatment, at the end of the day, it is your boys money as that who the trust is named in.
He can fume about it all he likes but at the end of the day, it isn’t her money.
He needs to contribute towards any private schooling he wishes she could have
As I have posted on another thread - a solicitor will write a letter about any clap trap if asked to. Unless you face a judge who orders such a whim I would ignore and file away any letters you may receive. However official they seem /sound.
Bully boy tactics need to be ignored and not even given a response op.
I assume that when settlement was reached with your DH’s relations (and how mean were they?) the Trust was legally drawn up and not left to you to spend it without reference to the trustees? Assuming this is the case, your ex has no call on it and neither does your DD. Obviously your DH’s estate isn’t responsible for your DD.
I can see though, that it’s unfortunate that your boys have so much and your DD has nothing. Your will won’t, presumably, pay your dd the value of the education your Ds’s have had. Or are you writing the will to favour her? What about your boys feeling that’s unfair because they didn’t choose to spend their inheritance on their education. It was chosen for them.
You probably need a family discussion about how to square this situation. In the meantime I feel sorry for your DD. Is there no way she can have anything equivalent to her half brothers? Private 6th form or something?
I'd tell him - fine go see a solicitor and I'll consult one for the years and years you haven't paid a bean in maintenance and I bet that will add up to a nice tidy sum for education costs!
Whilst I think you are right and he's a twat, I feel sorry for your daughter in this situation.
Gosh what an awful man your FWB is, i wonder cynically whether he will stop the interaction he does have with your daughter knowing now she doesn't have access to the same funds your sons do.
He needs to pay toward his daughters upkeep and you can start by applying for child maintenance, keep it aside for her for uni etc when she's older if you can.
Also I'm so sorry your husbands family were such arseholes.
He clearly thought you were minted and would pay for it all yourself.
First thing first instruct the CMS to take maintenance for your dd. You could save this money for her for uni and house.
I don’t think it’s possible to claim back payments, you can only claim from the date that you open a claim.
What an arsehole. How dare he judge you when he is happily treating your daughter very differently to his other children. The money for your sons cane from their dad and I don’t think it would be fair for them to have to keep splitting it if you had other children. What if you went on to have six more, where do you draw the line?
Your daughter has already benefitted from the money anyway, as I assume she lives in the house that was bought with the money you received, which in turn frees up money for other things. Make a claim so that she’s getting everything she’s entitled to, just like you fought to provide for your sons with what they were entitled to.
Even if he has a knob of gold, I’d be showing this fucker the door and getting maintenance sorted out. You can see how his mind worked - don’t need to pay for his child because he assumed the boy’s money would cover it. Twat.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Get started »
Please login first.