to not tell DH about inheritance

(243 Posts)
ClosedAuraOpenMind Mon 01-Jun-20 22:11:23

so I know I probably ABU here...

found out today I'm due a small inheritance from DGF, which was surprising. £11k so nice but not life changing

I could probably use the cash to pay off some credit card debt, which is at a stupidly high interest rate, then we (me, DH and DD) could probably have a nice holiday, most likely next year I guess

but things with DH haven't been great through lockdown...

we're both key workers, but while I've been wfh and trying to coax a v reluctant DD to do some homeschooling, and countless other household tasks, he's been going out to work as normal, and I've had no support from him. in fact he often makes my like worse, arguing and antagonising DD about schoolwork, then going out to work leaving me trying to do my crazy busy full time job with a hysterical child

I've told myself I won't make any rash decisions during lockdown, and will see what happens at the end of it - although who knows when that would be

so, given I have no savings of my own, if I were to leave the £11k would come in handy, and could really help me and DD...

so WIBU to open a bank account, put the money in it, and not tell him?

OP’s posts: |
ZigZagIntoTheBlue Mon 01-Jun-20 22:15:44

Not unreasonable, possibly sensible in fact, but I would feel pretty betrayed if my husband kept that amount of money from me. If you've physically got the cheque already then you'll have to pay it in somewhere and it'll be counted in the divorce settlement surely?

Windyatthebeach Mon 01-Jun-20 22:16:06

Ime having an escape fund when your relationship is not as you would wish it to be is an idea I wish I had had many years ago..
Though many will say yabu, I think it's a good plan..

snowybean Mon 01-Jun-20 22:17:06

Clearing debt would be good for the both of you. Why don't you clear as much as possible and then save the rest for when you need it?

snowybean Mon 01-Jun-20 22:18:26

I missed the bit about leaving. Yes, that's your money!

Can you transfer your credit card debt to a zero percent card?

IAmReportingYouForBBQing Mon 01-Jun-20 22:18:51

Get the cheque written into your daughters name and put it in her account. Then he can't touch it. Is yours to start again with

CodenameVillanelle Mon 01-Jun-20 22:19:13

YANBU at all


Patch23042 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:19:47

I’d keep it as an escape fund in your position. You may not need it. But ....

Dollywilde Mon 01-Jun-20 22:19:54

I’m not a lawyer but I would have thought the best bet would be to clear debt with it. You’ll save money in the long run on the interest, and it would really stick in my throat to have it taken into account if you were splitting up. At least with the debt cleared if you do wind up making a new start you can do it without that hanging around your neck. Good luck smile

MsVestibule Mon 01-Jun-20 22:21:03

How do you currently manage your finances? Is it 'everything into one pot' a 50/50 split, or each pays a percentage depending on earnings?

Dee1975 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:21:12

You will get a lot of mixed messages on here ... and some not so kind saying ‘oh well you must have a crap relationship’ and ‘me and dh tell each other everything’ etc ... Ignore them. Everyone’s life is different and life is complicated!
Nothing wrong in keeping it quiet for a ‘rainy’ day. Especially if you have concerns over your future. Do what you feel is right for you and your child. If you wish to tell him later on that’s fine, but while you feel like this, give yourself time and keep quiet.

TokyoSushi Mon 01-Jun-20 22:21:26

Yes, you should do it.

MsTSwift Mon 01-Jun-20 22:21:35

I don’t think you are unreasonable but your marriage is over. This wouldn’t happen in a happy functioning relationship. I would be devastated and shocked if dh did this as would he if I did. What’s the point being married?

rawlikesushi Mon 01-Jun-20 22:22:36

It depends how you feel about men hiding assets during divorce.

You're married so it's joint money. As pp have said, paying off debt will benefit both of you when it comes to splitting assets and debts.

Spied Mon 01-Jun-20 22:22:59

I agree with putting the cheque in your dd's account or a parents account possibly less likely to be discovered?

Bridecilla Mon 01-Jun-20 22:23:25

Hand on heart, was the debt run up by both of you? If yes then you really should pay it off first.

YouJustDoYou Mon 01-Jun-20 22:23:39

Personally I'd put it into premium bonds for your dd.

Cuddling57 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:23:39

A girl should always have her own money.
A rule I've always lived by, and has come in handy more than once.

DuckALaurent Mon 01-Jun-20 22:23:44

Absolutely tuck that 11k away. Pay off any individual debt you have and squirrel the rest away as a lifeboat.

Waveysnail Mon 01-Jun-20 22:23:52

I'd pay off any debts that you are both responsible for then tuck the rest away.

YouJustDoYou Mon 01-Jun-20 22:24:05

But pay off debt first of course

Ellisandra Mon 01-Jun-20 22:24:11

If you’re really close to making a divorce decision, I’d definitely keep it aside. To not then declare it during divorce would be against the law, so I feel I should say that! Even if you were able to argue that it shouldn’t be included (which is not a forgone conclusion).

You can’t hide the money (well, you can and some do - if you want to, get it into an account he doesn’t know about that isn’t used for anything else - don’t let it go through your current account first when you’ll have to submit statements for that).

Even if you don’t hide it, you may be able to legitimately use it (e.g. if you move into rented* during the divorce process). But if it’s already gone on debt, it’s not there to use.

Whether you declare it to him or not, no way would I be booking a holiday with it until you’re decided on stay or go.

*just to be clear: if you’re in an owned home - by you, him or jointly - moving out should always be discussed with your solicitor first

GenevaL Mon 01-Jun-20 22:24:21

It’s a stressful time for most families so I wouldn’t make a major decision based on the past three months of a lockdown which is driving everyone half mad. What was he like before? When will you receive the money - do you have much thinking time before you receive it? Would clearing your joint debts help relieve some stress and pressure for him?

Coffeecak3 Mon 01-Jun-20 22:24:31

In your position i would just quietly bank it.

Ellisandra Mon 01-Jun-20 22:26:10

@Spied I’m divorced - I’m Form E we had to provide details of children’s accounts too.
If it was genuinely their asset (e.g. a gift from a grandparent, no you putting it in 2 months previously unknown to your husband) it should be discounted. But it should be declared.

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