To be terrified by the Australian rugby coach setting his family on fire?

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

In brief: earlier today an Australian ex-rugby player was in the car with his wife and their three children, poured petrol over her and set her alight. She, he and the children all died. The parents were ending their marriage and disputing custody over the children.

It’s absolutely horrific and I just wonder why there seem to be no depths to which some men - and it almost always is men - will sink when it comes to asserting their dominance over women and children. Throwing acid over them seems to be the newest ‘thing’ over the past 3 years. Assault, rape, stalking, harassment, murder are so common as to be un-newsworthy.

It scares me. My exH was abusive and I have a non-molestation order to prevent him from continuing the abuse. At the back of my mind I worry about him taking something I do/say as pushing him too far and being seriously hurt or killed. What if he decides one day to kill our DC?

Why won’t men sort their lives out and put an end to this horrific violence?

[Lockheart]

Whilst I agree with you about much of your post this news story is still very recent and a lot of your narrative is, at this stage, pure speculation.

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

It’s being widely reported in the Australian news.

[Sparklingbrook]

I agree @Lockheart

[Haworthia]

Family annihilators always seem to follow the same script, don’t they? I understand why it makes you afraid OP.

[HollowTalk]

Not sure how speculation can be that wrong in this case, really.

[LochJessMonster]

Millions of people get divorced and go through custody disputes and don't kill their family. Incidents like this make the news because they are so dramatic and uncommon. It make it seem like it happens a lot but it doesn't. Statistically it is very very unlikely to happen to you.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Men.

Humanity's Achilles heel, unfortunately.

[Lockheart]

Then clearly there's no need for a proper investigation if it's being reported in the news. Apparently you already know exactly what happened so the police can just read the papers. /S

Honestly your version of events does not sound unlikely and is also what I would assume has happened, but you can't speculate like that in order to make a point.

[katkit]

YANBU. I have lived with this fear of ex DP too. It's a constant anxiety.

[Porcupineinwaiting]

Not sure how my husband and sons "sorting their lives out " is going to stop this sort of thing. Do tell.

[ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt]

I totally understand your feelings OP. My ex is also very abusive and every time I wave my kids off to his now (it’s court ordered and there’s not a lot legally I can do) I can never fully relax and enjoy the child free time because I’m worrying about them. Because of stories like this, his own behaviour and threats including “I’ll make you fucking wish you’d never had them kids”.

This poor lady and her children. What terrifying and agonising deaths they suffered on top of possibly domestic abuse before that.

[Honeybee85]

I understand how you feel OP.

My ex was very abusive too and on the night I left him for good, he pushed me against the frontdoor and tried to strangle me because I wouldn’t let go of my dog that I was holding in my arms.

He is fucking bastard and I hope he dies soon, miserable and alone, but I’m pretty sure he won’t do anything to me anymore before that happens. Because he’s also a coward who only dared to hurt those who couldn’t fysically defend themselves against him, behind closed doors.
He knew it was wrong what he did, so the moment I walked out of our relationship he lost all of his power over me and knew there’d be consequences if he put so much as a finger on me again.

But it took me a while to realize that and I was also afraid that he would kill me. He was already nearly bankrupt, because I ended the relationship he lost his home as well and people who have very little to nothing to lose are often the most dangerous kind. There is 1 thought that empowered me at that time: I’d rather take the risk that he kills me because I finally broke free from him then take the risk of having a wasted life because I stayed with someone who ruined everything for me. And might have killed me as well if I’d stayed.

Protect yourself OP, stay on your guard but feel grateful you are finally free. So many women never make it to that point.

[Crafty11]

I have been split from my ex for over 3 years now and I still wonder if he ever thought I was in the way of him and DS he would seriously harm me. Some men who are abusive feel they are losing control and see the partners and girl as their possessions which no one else can have. Therefore these are the extremes they go to. Like if I can't have you then no one can.

[CountFosco]

It make it seem like it happens a lot but it doesn't. Statistically it is very very unlikely to happen to you.

Family annihilators don't come out of nowhere, a history of abuse leads to these kind of murders, often when the woman decides to leave.

[managedmis]

www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-48778156

[PenelopeFlintstone]

I’ve been reading about him. He was on the NZ Warriors squad just for 2005 but never actually played a competitive game; just the trial games (like pre-season games).
Poor woman and kids. Maybe it’s better that she died. I wish he hadn’t though. He got off easy.

[Loodally]

My ex was and still is very abusive. He isn't allowed to have direct contact with our children, thankfully, but, it's always on my mind that he will flip and murder me/them. It's something he has threatened to do, along with the threats of having my abducted and raped or burning me alive.

I am always looking over my shoulder and have been advised to be extremely vigilant at all times. Not great for my quality of life 😕

[inwood]

IT's very unreasonable to project an incident onto yourself unless you have reason to be scared.

[diddl]

"and have been advised to be extremely vigilant at all times."

Jesus.

That is awful.

And the fact that it doesn't happen often isn't good enough-it shouldn't be happening at all!

These men who are known to be a danger should be locked up!

[JosefKeller]

YANBU to be concerned - even scared - about an abusive ex.

YAB massively U to generalise to half the population.
How rude and offensive to all the hateful "men" who are risking their own lives to save and help others.

There are famous cases of children neglected and left for dead by their mother, or violently abused by same mothers. Does it mean all mothers are a risk for their children? Of course not.

Why do you generalise for some cases but not others?

[GCAcademic]

YAB massively U to generalise to half the population.
How rude and offensive to all the hateful "men" who are risking their own lives to save and help others

Yes, let us never forget that it’s men who are are the real victims here. The worst consequences of family annihilation is that it makes men look bad.

[JosefKeller]

Yes, let us never forget that it’s men who are are the real victims here.
I am not sure that's quite what I meant either.

[AngelsSins]

YAB massively U to generalise to half the population
How rude and offensive to all the hateful "men" who are risking their own lives to save and help others

For god sake - this is the problem, this is why it continues, because whenever someone raises the topic of male violence it gets shut down with screams of NOT ALL MEN and WOMEN DO IT TOO.

[Thymelord]

Yes, let us never forget that it’s men who are are the real victims here

Quite. Unthinkable that a thread should stand without someone rushing over to defend men. Not my Nigel, NAMALT. It is utterly tiresome, and depressing.

[ShatnersWig]

Why won’t men sort their lives out and put an end to this horrific violence?

Could you advise me how I, as a man, can put an end to other men's horrific violence? I'm responsible for myself, I have no control over other men.

And if these things are so common as to be unnewsworthy, why did you hear about it reported on.... the Australian news?

Yes, it's fucking awful and I can't imagine what goes through the minds of ANY parent of ANY gender of what their families will be going through right now, but sweeping generalisations really don't help matters. There have been many cases of women killing their children for fear of losing custody (they just rarely kill the father as well).