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to really, REALLY regret changing my surname?

(282 Posts)
BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:16:51

I was quite young when I married and changed my surname without giving it much consideration. Now, ten years later, I really regret it, for a number of reasons.

1. No family links (I have no middle names either).
2. Our surname is awful. Thought I’d get used to it, never have. It’s got a rude word as part of it (think Cockshoot, Dickman type name).
3. I hate seeing it on documents and still hate writing it myself.
4. I’m worried our children will be teased at school for it (husband denies it has ever happened to him, I don’t believe him). They’re still too young to know their surnames so that doesn’t matter.

So, I’ve suggested to husband that I change surname, and that our children also change to be the same as mine, and that he can adopt our new surname as a middle name/double barrelled name with his original surname (he refuses to change it outright). He’s being moody about it but says I can. But he’ll definitely guilt trip me about it. So, am I being unreasonable to seriously consider doing this?

marly11 Tue 18-Feb-20 21:19:41

I can see how someone else would get funny about this but totally see the points you make and, after all, you have given it a try and don't like it. There will be raised eyebrows from some in the family perhaps, but your thinking seems reasonable to me. I regret my DC having DPs name but early on when we are younger perhaps we just 'go with' these things that really needed more thought.

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:23:42

Every time I think of potentially living with this name for another 50-60 odd years (hopefully) it depresses the hell out of me. I’d hate for it to be on my gravestone!

MamaRaisingBoys Tue 18-Feb-20 21:27:40

Yanbu to change it if you don’t like it. Yabu to suggest changing your children’s though. If you feel so strongly about it you can double barrel their surnames. To change it just because you have decided you definitely don’t like it now is unreasonable imo

GeePipe Tue 18-Feb-20 21:29:48

Yanbu to change your own name ofc but yab v u to try and change other peoples names.

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:30:41

Even if it’s a name that I’m 99.9% sure they’re going to be teased for @MamaRaisingBoys?

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:31:43

I’d just like to add, it was a name that wouldn’t cause any teasing, I wouldn’t be considering changing my childrens’ names. I’m trying to protect them from years of piss taking.

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:32:06

If it was*

RhodaCamel Tue 18-Feb-20 21:33:30

I totally understand you. Funny enough, I was laying in bed last night thinking the same for myself. I’ve been married 18 years and been with dh for 30 so you would think I’d be used to the name but I really don’t like it and I regret not keeping my maiden name. My dad is an only child and so the name won’t get passed on and tbh I loved my previous surname. My married name is weird and I have to spell it out to people and even then they ask me to repeat it which is a bloody pita! Although ds isn’t bothered about his surname dd hates it too. Thing is dh loves the name (His whole family do for some reason) and would be really upset if I said I wanted to change it after all this time, so I guess I’m stuck with it.

Hypergear Tue 18-Feb-20 21:34:14

I agree with @MamaRaisingBoys
If DH doesn't want the children to lose his name, then only double barrel is fair IMO

BlueHarry Tue 18-Feb-20 21:34:24

Yanbu to change yours. With your DC it's not as straightforward because it's their name now. I'm not sure what I'd do with that... Probably wait until they're a bit older to have a chat with them (assuming they're young now) and let them know that changing it to yours/double barrel is an option... might not go down well with your husband if they want to do so though.

katy1213 Tue 18-Feb-20 21:36:37

Just change it; you don't need his permission. You might have left it a bit late to change the children's name, though.

FagAsh Tue 18-Feb-20 21:36:55

@RhodaCamel
Surely their feelings don’t come into YOUR identity though?

I changed mine back and feel brilliant !
My kids have maiden name as middle names so that’s all fine with me

BlueHarry Tue 18-Feb-20 21:37:02

I sometimes regret dd's name is double barrelled rather than her just having my surname, but she's very attached to her full name! Plus it did seem the fairest way. I'm just hoping if she gets married and decides to do the double barrelled thing too, she drops his part and keeps mine. blush

sweeneytoddsrazor Tue 18-Feb-20 21:37:21

Change yours but you shouldn't change your childrens. And I do feel sorry for DH tbh. How do you think he feels when you are being so dismissive of his name?

TheCakeCrusader Tue 18-Feb-20 21:37:34

I get where you’re coming from OP- I kept my maiden name when I married and my husband agreed to double barrel our children’s names with the option of letting the kids know that they could have the option of changing/ shortening in the future.

Friendsofmine Tue 18-Feb-20 21:38:33

I think this is something you need to agree and not force on your OH.

Imagine if it was the other way round and you didn't want their names changed but he did it anyway and it hurt you. Is it worth all the resentment and impact on your marriage? Have you googled the name? Are there lots of people with it? If they survived your kids will too!

mnthrowaway202020 Tue 18-Feb-20 21:40:40

Change it!!!

TheCakeCrusader Tue 18-Feb-20 21:40:44

... our boys have actually expressed that they’re not too keen on their dad’s surname and would like to shorten it to be the same as the one he uses for business ( shortened version and nicer sounding! grin

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:42:05

Well as he’s always been dismissive of my maiden name @sweeneytoddsrazor, I’m not too worried about that. I touched upon the subject of him taking my surname when we were engaged, he wouldn’t entertain it, I was too young/in love to argue my point.

bubblesforlife Tue 18-Feb-20 21:42:12

Watching this with interest. I’m newly married and really don’t like my DHs surname. I’ve tried every approach with him, but he’s having none of me. I want to have the same surname as him for any DC that may come along.
I also hate seeing it written down. It’s a weird one and when I say it people say ya, keep your own...
angry Ugh!!!!!!

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:42:16

Totally agree with you OP, really wish I had kept my surname my family name has completely died out now, it was nice as well unlike the generic surname I have now, wish I had been more worldly wise all those years ago and double barrelled it at the very least, mind you I wish I had changed my first name as well, too late now sadly.

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:43:33

I have googled it, lots of variations of it as people probably change the original because it’s awful grin. I suggested changing the spelling first, before anything else. That idea wasn’t acceptable either.

boringbertha Tue 18-Feb-20 21:46:39

YANBU, I couldn't wait to get back to my maiden name after divorcing my ExH. His is not an English surname and a bit of a mouthful. Never been so happy so I'd say do what makes you happy. It's only a name after all.

BoldRoo Tue 18-Feb-20 21:46:52

I wouldn’t care what his family thought about it. We have an okay-ish relationship but I’m definitely on the outside looking in! Never been accepted as one of them despite my best efforts.

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