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Step mother at my wedding

(275 Posts)
Bareres Tue 19-Nov-19 09:41:07

So I'm not terribly fond of my dad's wife (SM), she is very judgemental and everything has to be about her. However she makes my dad happy and we dont see her very much (they live far away) so all fine and I make an effort to be friendly when we do see her.

DP and I are getting married. In all honesty I dont want her there. She will be sniffy about the food and (apart from my siblings who also are not too fond of her) she wont know anyone there. Also there is the issue of my DM (who is lovely and always puts everyone else's feelings ahead of her own). They have never met and I know DM will not relish the thought of being in a room with the woman who my dad had an affair with and left her for. She would never ever say that though.

So really I have to invite her or my dad would be really sad as he has no idea we dont like her. What do I do with her though? It's a big wedding and we will have a top table. I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

So basically AIBU to do this? Or am I being mean to her?

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 19-Nov-19 09:45:48

I think you are being more than accomodating considering you don’t like her. However there is another option that may make things easier on your mum - why not do a top table with just the two of you? Put your stepmum and dad with other (perhaps more distant?) family and put your mum and siblings together. The bridal party can then sit together. That tends to be the way I’ve seen it play out in Indian weddings where seating arrangements can get political even without divorces!!

Shoxfordian Tue 19-Nov-19 09:46:02

I think you should sit her at your top table, if you're going to have one because she's your dad's wife and you'll cause yourself a lot of unnecessary drama otherwise. You can always sit your mum on the other side from her so they're not together.

GruciusMalfoy Tue 19-Nov-19 09:46:41

YANBU. Depending on how long it has been since their affair I probably wouldn't even feel bad about not inviting her, but I'm a cow.

I don't think YABU to be vague about seating, it would be inappropriate for her to be on the top table.

Ravenrob Tue 19-Nov-19 09:47:24

I don't think it's fair to separate her from your dad so I'd have them at the top table or at a different table together.

FraglesRock Tue 19-Nov-19 09:51:24

Best man's wife doesn't get the top table. Supposed to be groom and bride's parents.
So either have just you two, maybe best man and bridesmaid on the top table. Or go traditional but put her with dad's brother etc.
And no don't discuss it with her before.

HavelockVetinari Tue 19-Nov-19 09:51:47

You don't have to sit her at the top table, especially as she was the OW - what a bonkers suggestion from a PP! She isnt joined at the hip to your dad, she'll survive at another table with relatives for the duration of the meal (2 hrs max). This is YOUR day, it's not about her.

user1471549213 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:52:11

I wouldn't have her at the top tablr. She's not your mum. Give your dad the choice, he can sit at the top table with you by himself or he can sit with her at another table with family. I don't think you are being bad in any way and you're giving your dad a choice. She doesn't get a choice same as any other guest. She is only being invited as she is your dad's wife.

GrassWasGreener Tue 19-Nov-19 09:55:19

We got married and we sat bride, groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen and their partners in a middle table, kind of like a round top table to prevent any drama between new wife and ex wife. Mum was actually more difficult than SM and wanted a grand big top table with bride, groom, parents and siblings to show unity blabla, but I kept reminding her that she was divorced and that I was barely talking to one brother so no way was that happing. So we had our round table with no parents and sat dad and SM on one table, mum and handful of her family (rest not invited) on another and husbands parents on another and put those 3 tables around ours so all direct family members were next to us but separated (for my sanity) at the same time. It worked out lovely. After mum had stopped crying. She also had to be reminded several times by several people that it wasn't her wedding hmm

Do what you want to do, if you don't want to upset him try find a balance. Seat everyone near you but not at your table. Worked for us

LoyaltyBonus Tue 19-Nov-19 09:56:04

I think she should be on the top table, on the end, opposite side to your mum. If you want to invite her so as not to upset your Dad, you can't then seat him away from his partner and this way your mum won't even have to look at her.

bohemia14 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:56:22

I'm a SM. At my stepdaughter's wedding my DH sat at the top table as did her mum. I sat at another table with friends and family. Entirely reasonable, I'm not her mum and I was happy to be there.

It's your day, do what feels right for you. I think she should be invited as she is your dad's wife, but if she's a decent person she should keep in the background.

CravingCheese Tue 19-Nov-19 09:57:22

I was thinking of just having our parents and bridal party on the top table and seating her at another table with people like our siblings on it so shes not just shoved at the back somewhere. Shes been dropping hints about seating but I have just brushed her off as I dont feel that I want to give her the opportunity to whinge in my dad's ear about where she is sitting. If she just turns up on the day and sees the seating plan she will have no opportunity to moan about it.

Perfectly fine imo...

bohemia14 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:57:30

Someone mentioned you can't seat her away from your dad - of course you can! They're adults, it's just for the meal and they can be together afterwards.

theemmadilemma Tue 19-Nov-19 09:58:18

You'll never get to the wedding without seating arrangements being asked about. So your only option will be to say you don't want to discuss it (bit weird) or tell them.

Sammi38 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:59:35

Your dad will probably want to sit with her though, so you should think about seating arrangements if that situation arises, ie; your step mum at the top table or your dad sitting on a different table with your step mum.

Alsohuman Tue 19-Nov-19 10:01:59

The wedding I went to as stepmother involved a very complicated array of step parents. The top table was bride and groom, bridesmaid, best man and their partners. No parents or step parents. I thought it was perfect as nobody’s nose was put out of joint.

Joerev Tue 19-Nov-19 10:02:09

So. This literally just happened to me! I got married. Hate my stepmother (long story. But suffice to say for the last 15 years she’s made my life hell). I didn’t want to invite her. But as you say. She makes my father happy. They live in another country etc.....don’t see them very often.

So I said ok. Let’s invite her......

She made my wedding day hell. She sat on her phone the whole time. The guests asked me who the rude woman was. And she refused to let my father see me the day after. All hell has broken loose.

If I could do it again. I wouldn’t ever invite her again.

We had a very small wedding. Maybe 15 guests. I could easily of gotten away with. I only want my parents and his there. If I was having a big wedding. It probably would have been harder and no one would of noticed how she behave. I wish I’d stood up to her one time. Just once

It was her birthday a few weeks later. The whole family got invited. Except me......

So don’t do it.

Do whatever you and your fiancé would like. ❤️

TheMidasTouch Tue 19-Nov-19 10:02:50

I don't think it appropriate to leave it until the day and just let her find out where she will be sitting. That could cause her upset which would impact on your DF and spoil his enjoyment of what should be a lovely family day.

I think you should tell her that she obviously won't be on the top table by your DF. She probably knows that and that may be why she is asking.

If your siblings don't like her then you would be foolish to put her on a table with them too. Do you not have any aunts and uncles, people of a similar age group who you could put her in a table with?

In terms of your DM meeting her for the first time at the wedding, is there any way they would be adult enough to meet up before then? Otherwise your DM's enjoyment of the day could be spoilt by the strain of meeting her on the wedding day.

Don't be mean to SM. Get it all sorted out now so that everyone enjoys the day. Do you really want your parents to look back and think the wedding was lovely except they felt awkward because they wer upset because of ........

Joerev Tue 19-Nov-19 10:04:08

Seating wise

I did. Me. My mother. My father. My step mother.

Boom45 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:04:21

My husband has been best man twice and I wasnt sat with him either time - he was at the top table and I was with other friends of the groom. Its perfectly normal to separate couples if one is on the top table and the other isn't. First time I didn't know anyone other than my husband and I was fine - I'm not great with new people but I'm a grown up and I can manage a meal without him. And your SM will be sat with her other step children so it's not like she will be sat with strangers.

AJPTaylor Tue 19-Nov-19 10:04:23

Decide what you want to do. Anyone not happy are welcome not to attend. My best friend did this with her Dad. He and other women had a 15 year affair and he left the second his youngest turned 18.
When she married she pointed out that they had picked up the peices of their mum following his behaviour. His partner was not invited and if it meant he wasn't coming then fine

He did actually come on the day. And behaved well.

DontbeaBabs Tue 19-Nov-19 10:05:09

I think it's really shitty to separate her from everybody she knows. She's your dad's wife, not a casual fling.

The idea of a top table without the parents work really well, they can each "host" their own table - important relatives or best friends. Your mum will have a much happier time with people she likes!

DontbeaBabs Tue 19-Nov-19 10:07:46

I didn't separate couples at my own wedding, it was all about everybody having a good time, not just showing off on the photos. Everybody was split across tables, but all partners were on the same one (if that makes sense).

It's a party, it's supposed to be a happy day ,no need to create tension and drama. I don't like the long top table either, you can only speak with the person next to you, a round one is much more festive.

Didiusfalco Tue 19-Nov-19 10:07:47

I think given she was the ow it wouldn’t be that unreasonable not to invite her at all, but it depends how much you want to appease your dad.

misspiggy19 Tue 19-Nov-19 10:09:30

No way would I have her at the top table. You don’t even like the woman and how would your poor mum feel?

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