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To think most men actually don't really want kids?

(241 Posts)
Thickums Tue 12-Nov-19 11:33:32

Interesting discussion with my friends last night about dating/contraception/children.

We were talking about how a lot of men do say they 'want' kids, but its more of in the way that they'd like a trip to a hawaii or a ferrari. It seems nice to have/do but not much thought past that? If women didn't push having babies then would human race would rapidly decline?

By this i mean, when 'ttc', men just seem to passively go along with it. If women were to be as passive as men then we couldn't really see men 'stepping up', by researching ovulation days, asking to dtd on certain days and then going to the GP entirley off their own back if they didn't get a bfp after a few months of trying.

We then also wondered how long it would actually take men generally to start really pushing the baby issue if women were passive and stopped using protection but didnt actively try either. If women kicked back and carried on living life without much discussion of ttc and just let things happen. Would men keep bringing up actively ttc? Or would they generally just coast along along with their female partners until its too late if pregnancy didn't occur and then just shrug their shoulders that it didn't happen?

If that is the case, then is that why men find it so much easier to walk away from kids? Or dont feel generally as responsible for them? Because they actually weren't all that bothered to begin with. They just go along with having a baby because it's what people do, but not many men actively and purposefully really yearn for it?

Be interested to hear others thoughts amd experiences on this!!

SerenDippitty Tue 12-Nov-19 11:35:40

I think most men go along with what their partner wants.

NorthEndGal Tue 12-Nov-19 11:37:22

I think you are describing a small segment of the population.

Lots of men want families and are eager to start them, and yearn to be fathers

AryaStarkWolf Tue 12-Nov-19 11:38:38

nah disagree, in my circle I know quite a few of the men who are dying to have kids and the women are not half as keen on the idea

RiddleyW Tue 12-Nov-19 11:39:11

I don't think so, from my experience. Lots of men have multiple families don't they? Also if this is true it is a pretty recent and geographically specific phenomenon. Generally children are a status symbol/ literal sign of virility.

I agree lots (NAMALT yawn) seem not that fussed when the babies arrive though.

MayFayner Tue 12-Nov-19 11:39:19

I don’t think men have the urge to have children the way women do. Men’s urge to reproduce is the sexual urge, it’s automatic but it doesn’t necessarily include any thought about the outcome (putting it mildly).

I would say the majority of men become paternal when their baby is born, not before.

I don’t think men that abandon their DC are the norm.

LilyPinkNoah Tue 12-Nov-19 11:40:54

I would say in my circle of friends and my H included they absolutely wanted to be fathers/start a family. I don't know anyone who resisted becoming a father and to start a family there was no push a wholly mutual/natural decision for them at the stage they were in their lives.

Even thinking to my own DB who has a one year old he wanted to start sooner than his wife - of course they waited until my SIL was ready but still it was him who wanted a baby too.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman Tue 12-Nov-19 11:41:03

Well there’s a sweeping generalisation if I ever saw one.
My DH was just as keen to start TTC and just as happy with each BFP. no, he didn’t actively research ovulation etc b it it would have been a bit over the top if he had surely, given these are things happening to my body not his.
He is a wonderful Father and would fight tooth and nail for his DC if we were to ever separate.
Equally my own DF was a devoted parent and a loving and involved grandparent.

I’m sure that SOME men go along with their partners wishes and SOME men find it easy to walk away from their children. Just as SOME women do too, although we don’t hear of this as much possibly because women have a final decision on termination so perhaps more children who would be unwanted by women are terminated so therefore not there to walk away from.

BrokenLogs Tue 12-Nov-19 11:41:15

I think men in general don't get the 'running out of time' thing, but dh definitely wanted DC, we have 2 and he'd like 3.

He's a really good parent, kind, calm, interested, and available. He loves spending time with our DC.

Gogreen Tue 12-Nov-19 11:41:22

I agree, however I do know some cases were the man really wants kids but the wives are more blasé about it. But I’m gen I think men just go along with it as that’s what your supposed to do, (have kids)

FudgeBrownie2019 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:41:37

DH always wanted children from the moment we had the conversation.

DS1's Dad and I split when DS1 was 5 months and he could have easily walked away. I don't think it would have crossed his mind for even a second not to be the best father he could be despite our separating.

Gogreen Tue 12-Nov-19 11:41:45

In general*

LinnetBird Tue 12-Nov-19 11:48:07

I think they like to reproduce and then move onto the next one to reproduce with.
Like in the animal kingdom, they even expect the female to do all the nurturing, like the animal kingdom.
We tend to choose someone to have kids with and once we have them no longer care about the male, he's done his job.
I'm sure this plays a big part in men cheating and divorce rates.

dameofdilemma Tue 12-Nov-19 11:51:25

Very few men are the primary carer or SAHP because very few really want to be.
Whether they liked the idea of having kids at the start or not, the novelty clearly wears off.
Its hard to ignore statistics, whatever the anecdotal evidence is.

ScreamingCosArgosHaveNoRavens Tue 12-Nov-19 11:51:46

I think there are fewer pressures on men to have children - it's more acceptable for men to be childfree and it's not a time-sensitive choice for them - no biological clock.

But in addition biological urges and societal pressure, having children is an act of self-love - liking yourself to the degree that you want to replicate your genes in another being - and men are just as susceptible to that desire as women.

Polishlike Tue 12-Nov-19 11:51:49

I agree OP. I think, as wrong as it is, it explains why some fathers leave the lions share of child rearing (and by what we see on these threads, paying for it) to the mothers. I anticipate men think if a woman had pushed for having kids she must enjoy all aspects of motherhood, so think it's acceptable to go out cycling all day Sunday leaving the mother to parent.

Beautiful3 Tue 12-Nov-19 11:52:46

I disagree. My husband couldn't wait to have children, kept saying time was running out (we were in our 20s!). After we married he gave me an ultimatum after finding my contraceptive pill. We had children and he is over the moon. I wasnt bothered about having children, at all.

noodlenosefraggle Tue 12-Nov-19 11:53:31

I do think many men aren't that bothered but I suspect if women stopped pushing the issue, many would then become bothered if that makes sense! If women generally became ambivalent about ttc, then most men would become proactive about wanting children. Biologically they could say they can have children into their 80's but they would still have the same concerns about being around as they got older, having the energy etc as well as finding a woman young enough to have children with. It's alright for Mick Jagger but Mick who works in IT would find it much harder grin.

onionandsage Tue 12-Nov-19 11:54:44

It was the opposite with me. DH desperately wanted a child, I could take it or leave it.

museumum Tue 12-Nov-19 11:56:04

I think it hits men much later. The men I know who are approaching 50 would have been very sad without kids. They probably didn’t feel as strongly at 30 as their wives but that’s biology.

soulrunner Tue 12-Nov-19 11:56:21

I think most people want kids (because biology and we're nowhere near as rational as we like to think) but most people don't want to do the day to day parenting part (because why would you tbh? )

However, because of gender roles, it's easier for men to duck out of the drudgery than women.

flashingbeacon Tue 12-Nov-19 11:56:58

I know 2 men who have ended marriages because they wanted kids and their wives didn’t.

I think lots of people want kids the same way they want a Ferrari, they are just easier to get for the most part.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Tue 12-Nov-19 11:56:59

Some men want dc as they think this will make their wife/gf more dependent on them and "keep them at home".

Some men don't want them but aren't careful in preventing them.

Some men want them as a display of their verility - these are the men that end up with 4 dc to 4 women.

Some men want them more than their partners.

noodlenosefraggle Tue 12-Nov-19 11:57:20

My friend is Gay and has an adopted child. He has quite a few gay dad friends. I suppose if it was just a female urge, it would be far less common.

ChilledBee Tue 12-Nov-19 11:58:06

Hubby had 3 workmates round last night and they said that they would have NEVER agreed to have kids if they were expected to be as hands on as my hubby. They specifically mentioned getting up at night, entertaining and generally supporting and monitoring their development. They couldn't believe that my hubby still organises work so he can be home for dinner most nights even though I'm off full time work for the foreseeable future.

They hardly do any nappies, sickness, bathing, feeding and they arent expected to. Oh they'll give a bottle if someone makes it. They very much see anything like that as "helping" their wife/partner. One said if his wife suddenly wasn't here, the kids would "have to go to her sister or her mum".

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