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my only sister has just called her baby the same name as mine

(235 Posts)
mrsantenatel Fri 10-Aug-07 08:58:19

My sister is 33 and has 3 girls (Katie 6, Penny 4, Emily 2) and yesterday had a boy. I have 2 boys (Matthew 4 and Thomas 1). We have never been very friendly, and she has always resented me as the younger child. This morning they have announced its name is to be Thomas, stating that Thomas was always her name and its in her husbands family. I feel like i have been slapped in the face, this is more about her showing me she doesn't give a shite about my feelings - she didn't even call me personally to tell me the name or did they speak to me beforehand to ask if i'd mind. Am i being a cow to be upset? My mum and dad are trying to keep the peace but i am furious! HELP! (oh and i am pregnant due tomorrow)

NoBiggy Fri 10-Aug-07 09:00:46

What a strange thing to do. And how confusing.

casbie Fri 10-Aug-07 09:01:36

do you have children already? or is this name the one you were thinking of?

tribpot Fri 10-Aug-07 09:02:54

That is very bizarre. One of my brothers gave one of his kids the name of one of our other brothers (if you see what I mean) but that's hardly the same thing.

I suppose you could respond (even if it isn't slightly true) "well, I'm expecting a girl so I'm just trying to decide between Katie, Penny and Emily".

Her poor ds is, I fear, destined to be known to his grandparents as "the other Thomas".

mrsantenatel Fri 10-Aug-07 09:02:54

my mum seems to think that it was what 'everyone' did back in the day, but i can't think of anyone who would do that to a friend, let alone your sister/brother? i am so upset, i don't know what to do without making myself look like a bitch to the family

haychee Fri 10-Aug-07 09:03:28

If you have a girl, would you be tempted to steal one of her used names?

mrsantenatel Fri 10-Aug-07 09:03:43

casbie - i have 2 boys already Matthew 4 and Thomas 1 - i am expecting my third

LilRedWG Fri 10-Aug-07 09:03:46

Try not to let it get to you. Focus on your boys and get excited about your new one!

You are not a cow, she is more than a little insensitive.

WaynettaSlob Fri 10-Aug-07 09:03:48

Could you not view it as a form of flattery? My mother and her sisters each called one of their sons the same name, as the name meant something special to each of them. The boys are all very different.
So, I can understand a bit how you feel but you don't have a monopoly on the name so I'm afraid they didn't need to consult you, so YABU. (which probably isn't what you want to hear )

NKF Fri 10-Aug-07 09:04:01

It's an odd thing to do (unless it really is a family name) and I would be upset especially if I suspected it was because of other bad feelings. The thing is you can't stop her. You can only let her know that you mind and that you wish she wouldn't. Good luck.

It used to be quite common for families to have the same names though.

WinkyWinkola Fri 10-Aug-07 09:04:10

Very odd thing to do. There are millions of boys names out there and she chooses the same one as you have for your DS? It is peculiar and a bit sad.

Hard as it may be esp. with pregnancy hormones flying about, there's not a lot you can do apart from rise above it. Concentrate on your lovely new baby and give him / her a truly unique name.

Rach35 Fri 10-Aug-07 09:04:11

Bizarre thing to do (and claim - that the name was 'hers') - do your children see hers often so will it cause confusion? No wonder you're upset (and with due date tomorrow I imagine it is acute). Maybe you can tell her that you will call your newborn Thomas or Thomasina so there can be three - as things are not confusing enough!) Might she have been encouraged down this route by her DH?

MaureenMLove Fri 10-Aug-07 09:04:28

That's really wierd! Why would she do that? Do you actually spend anytime with her? If not, then I think you're gonna have to get over it, although I'm sure it'll be tough. There's nothing you can do now, but I completely understnad why you're hacked off - I would be to.

LilRedWG Fri 10-Aug-07 09:04:28

Don't worry, her son will be known as Thomas the 2nd.

Nemo2007 Fri 10-Aug-07 09:05:42

I think it used to be normal for the same family to have a couple of each name. The only saving grace with thomas is that they can shorten it to other things like tom, tommy etc.

meandmyflyingmachine Fri 10-Aug-07 09:05:46


It would be very annoying if you had always wanted a particular name and your sister got in first by virtue of having the first boy. I have known forever what name I wanted for ds. Had my sister got in first with that one I don't know what I would have done.

And it won't be too confusing once you get used to it I'm sure. We had no Johns at all in our family and then suddenly everyone seemed to marry one. So now it's "your John, my John and so-and-so's John". It's fine.

elliott Fri 10-Aug-07 09:06:04

I suspect this is one of those situations which really goes far far deeper than this current incident. I can very well understand why you are upset, and your sister clearly knows you will be upset and has set up her defence in advance. From her point of view, it is entirely possible that she has had Thomas in mind as a boy's name for many years, and may well have been (silently) furious with you when you named your son (though you may have been totally unaware of this). She probably feels 'why should I choose a different name just because she got there first?'
At the end of the day, you are both entitled to name your sons as you choose. Its not the end of the world (presumably if you aren't close, the cousins won't be spending loads of time together).
I'm not saying you should not be upset, or its your fault you have a bad relationship with your sister, or that she is not behaving badly - just saying that if you can, the best thing is to rise above it and try not to let it get to you. Make a joke of it even?

harleyd Fri 10-Aug-07 09:06:14

i would be furious too. but if she has her mind made up you will just have to grin & bear it. dont get too worked up, concentrate on your new arrival. (and if its a girl call her kaite penny emily

elasticsortinghandstand Fri 10-Aug-07 09:06:27

same in my dh's family.
i was always very surprised about it, but as has been mentioned it used to be the done thing. given that they havent told you themselves i suspect they feel bad about it. very strange. but yours was the FIrst

littlelapin Fri 10-Aug-07 09:06:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupwasherwoman Fri 10-Aug-07 09:06:33

I do feel you are being a tad unreasonable.

Thomas is a lovely name, one of the most popular boys names and has been for years now.

If you want to score cheap points over the matter you could refer to her son as baby Thomas and then as he gets older, little Thomas or Tommy to distinguish between the 2 but it's really not worth falling out over.

I wanted to name our second son after my grandpa but I know that my brother will definately be using that name if he and his wife have a boy next time and anyway my dh wasn't keen so I didn't push it.

I feel it would create more ill feeling for your sis to have really wanted Thomas but to have felt she had to use something she didn't like as much, it could affect her whole relationship with the baby.

Baffy Fri 10-Aug-07 09:07:17

YANBU - how strange
I think she obviously did do it to show she couldn't care less about your feelings.

Just be smug that you got the name first and absolutely everyone knows that.

Then get on with ignoring her and focusing on your lovely growing family that will be raised to respect others. And you know your family will treat others how they wish to be treated themselves

meandmyflyingmachine Fri 10-Aug-07 09:07:27

It's not as simple as saying there are millions of names out there.

Ds's name was the only one. Really. If I couldn't have used it...

Irrational I know.

mrsantenatel Fri 10-Aug-07 09:07:32

We had a very middle class, normal upbringing but she always bullied me and to be honest have no 'nice' memories of us at kids together. She now lives in Dubai with her very 'upper class, english traditional husband' and i have always felt she 'tolerates me' = she is a stay at home mum, nanny, gardener, nct mother etc (nothing wrong with that) but she disapproves of me because i work (own our own business) and my kids go to nursery 2 days a week. She thinks i should live 'within my means' rather than work. Basically she looks down on me

elasticsortinghandstand Fri 10-Aug-07 09:07:48

or tell you you didnt personally like Katie or Emily for your child

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