Is DD BU to want to escape this friendship?

[LittleDoritt]

Sorry, this is so long for what is essentially a storm in a teacup!

DD is 9 and has had the same BFF, Isobel, for four years. Isobel is a very bossy, domineering child and DD is a follower rather than a leader so they've always worked well as a pair, although it's been difficult to watch sometimes as a parent - e.g. as Isobel has told DD what she is "allowed" to wear or have for lunch that day. Isobel has no other friends.

Over the course of the last six months DD has met lots of new friends through some extra curricular activities and has a new found confidence. She's started "breaking" Isobel's rules, and sometimes pairs up with other girls for lunch or games. She's gone to parties and play dates that Isobel hasn't received an invitation to. This has gone down so so badly! It's like it's started WW3.

I've been receiving a barrage of messages (daily) from Isobel's mum about how DD is deliberately excluding her and making her life a misery. I tried to explain that DD was just spreading her wings a bit and still valued her friendship but then the messages changed to "your DD is a bully, she should be excluded from school" I took the messages to the headteacher as I was horrified and he did a full investigation and found no evidence of any bullying. He was as baffled as I was as to what was going on in the mums mind.

I was looking forward to having a bit of a break from it all over the school holidays but I've been getting weekly messages from the mum about how important it is the girls repair their friendship and we must meet up.

The problem is that now DD knows she has been called a bully and interviewed by the headteacher etc she genuinely doesn't want anything to do with Isobel any more! Ive tried the MN favourite "Sorry, that's not going to work for us" but now every day this week there have been FB posts on the mum's wall about "little bitches" being horrible to her daughter and "mean girls getting their comeuppance". Her friends are writing things like "I'd give the mean little bitch a slap". I really don't want anything to do with these people, but all the while I'm getting text messages asking to organise a play date or a sleepover.

They've been inseparable for four years up until now and we live in a tiny town. I don't know how to extricate DD from this!

It's DDs birthday in a couple of weeks and she is adamant that she doesn't want to invite Isobel. The fallout from that would be enormous - she has been to every one of Isobel's parties, as well as all of her brothers and cousins parties as well. I don't know how to approach this!

Can you give me some suggestions please, as I will still bump into this woman multiple times a day and the awkwardness is going to be acute.

[AmIThough]

I would tell the mother that you believe the friendship has run its course.

Tell her DD was embarrassed and humiliated by the bullying accusations and you're not willing to see her be put through that, or dictated to by Isobel anymore.

She sounds nasty - imagine if she has DD over for a play date and DD upsets Isobel by saying no? TwatMom would no doubt blame DD.

[LittleDoritt]

Oh she absolutely would blame DD!

It's so hard though, especially now her "bullying" tack has backfired on her, as Isobel really doesn't have any other friends. I feel like if the situation was reversed I would totally see DD as the victim and feel so sorry for her being left alone.

[HeyMonkey]

I'd block the mother.

And screenshot the facebook posts before doing so in case you need them in future. Keep copies of everything, and then block her.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Sounds as though the fallout will be limited to shitty FB posts. Just send her a message saying the friendship between the girls has run it’s course, I friend the woman on FB and crack on

[NovemberWitch]

Does Isobel have any other close friends?
I’d keep shielding your daughter and encouraging her to blossom away from her previous friendship, which I would see as harmful and manipulative over the last few years.
But try not to say anything negative about Isobel, and redirect your dad if she does. Moving on, outgrown, new opportunities...Start being bitchy and it will damage your daughter more than anyone else.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

I friend = unfriend

[AmIThough]

Oh I completely understand your point - could you maybe suggest an activity where the girls don't actually have to communicate much, like the cinema, and see how they get on?

Or maybe go bowling and make it a moms v daughters competition so they're working as a team?

[NovemberWitch]

You answered my question whiLst I was typing. Isobel has lost her minion.
Feel free to make dd’s new teacher aware of the situation, so she can encourage mixing, support Isobel in her new reality and avoid accidental pairing up.

[Cloudyapples]

‘Please stop contacting me. The girls’ friendship has run its course. Dd was very hurt by the bullying accusations and as a result no longer wishes to continue this friendship.’

[Heartburn888]

Call the mum out on the Facebook posts! I’d say something like don’t message me asking to organise a play day when your posting vile comments online that are clearly aimed at my daughter.

Then block her

[bambalaya]

I think you're right to tell her it's run its course. I think you should also tell her that her child had been dictating what your daughter could do and ask her if she thinks that was acceptable? If she does, then explain your daughter will not be dictated to like that. If she agrees it's out of order, then explain that's why your daughter needs a break. Highlight that the issue was with her daughter's behaviour

[LittleDoritt]

I see that I should block her but the nosy part of me wants to see what she is writing about DD!

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Do not force your daughter into a friendship she doesn't want anymore. Isobel and her mother's action have caused this, not your daughter.

There will be fallout, but it's your job to protect your daughter from that and deal with the awkwardness, not make her be friends so it can be avoided.

Delete the mum from your fb ffs. What she and her lovely friends think is irrelevant! Who the fuck thinks it's ok to call 9 year olds bitches?!

Let the school know there may be issues next term. Stand up to the mum if you see her, the friendship has ended, full stop - they're kids, it happens all the time. Do not let her intimate you, or make you feel sorry for her daughter. Your daughter is the one who counts here. Isobel's mum can work out how to get her daughter other friends.

[herculepoirot2]

I think you sound like you have been far too passive, to be honest, and you should have stepped in a long time ago to prevent the other little girl from dominating your DD. Block the mum. Tell your DD she is allowed not to play with any child she does not enjoy spending time with, although she can’t exclude the other girl from playing with other children, for example, if they are playing as a group. And of course she can not invite her. She doesn’t like her.

[Nanny0gg]

Will Isobel be the only child not invited to the party?

Am I the only one that feels sorry for Isobel ? No one has intervened in the past to help her play nicely, it 'all worked out' at the time.

Now she's been dumped.

[ShinyRuby]

Absolutely tell her that you've seen & been very upset by the Facebook posts. You're reading name calling & threats of violence towards your dd from her friends so why on earth would you want your dd anywhere near this woman? She's ruined everything with the bullying accusations, well done for not responding & going to the head teacher.
Your dd is much better out of the friendship. Teach her to be polite & a bit friendly as there's no point in making enemies but definitely no time spent together just the 2 of them. If she absolutely doesn't want her at the party then respect her wishes, maybe do something a bit different with a few close friends & keep it off Facebook to minimalise fallout as it seems like her mum's only weapon.

[herculepoirot2]

Am I the only one that feels sorry for Isobel ? No one has intervened in the past to help her play nicely, it 'all worked out' at the time.

I don’t feel sorry for her. Losing a friendship is a consequence of behaving in particular ways. Hopefully she will learn from this that it isn’t up to her what someone else eats for lunch. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Bakingberry]

I'd tell her that the reason your DD doesn't what to be friends with her DD is because she accused her of being a bully. I'd also tell her that you're not going to let your DD be around the DD of a parent that calls a child a ' bitch' and says they are going to 'slap' them.

[DeepDarkWoods]

Completely agree with ShinyRuby

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

I dont understand why the mum is calling your child a bully but is so keen for her child to play with her! That obviously shows everyone she doesnt think that. If Isobel doesnt have any other friends, that must be hard for her mum, but her actions are hardly helping.

I'd agree with screen shooting everything and keeping them and telling the school what's been going on.

I'd also be careful your daughter isn't excluding her as it will be difficult for her to not do this going forward if she is a bit scared of interacting with her incase she is called a bully again. If her mum hadn't called her a bully, would she be so keen not to have her at the party? As it does seem a bit of a shame for Isobel that her mums actions have killed her last friendship. How many people are going to the party? I wouldn't exclude her from say a whole class or all girls in the class party as that will add fuel to the fire but I think it's fine if there are a handful of friends

I would avoid confronting or arguing with her as she sounds a bit unhinged, she will make it public, and she sounds so illogical she will twist everything you say and put it back on you.

I'd just reply saying after everything that's happened its probably best to give them both a bit of space. It isn't confrontational or blaming and leaves the door open if you want to change things in the future

[Jellybeansincognito]

I think you need to be extremely honest with this women.
Your daughter has found friends that improve her confidence and friends that respect her, not like her daughter who uses her as something to boss around and perhaps if she concentrated on rectifying that instead of calling your child a bully and writing disgusting things on social media like calling children ‘little bitches’ her child might have more friends.
Tell her you don’t want to hear from her again.

[BirthdayCakes]

I feel a bit sorry for Isobel - she's 9!!! This is the time when you're supposed to be learning how to navigate friendships - if she's completely outcast then there's no lesson to be learnt..

[IchiNiSan]

Your going to have to be strong here. Just keep thinking about the bullying accusations and FB nonsense and do not cave in! Even if Isobel was lovely, her mum is dangerous. Encourage your daughter to play with her other friends, and warn the school when they return after the holidays. In the meantime, only you can judge whether to say "we're too busy" or tell the truth to the mum.

[mbosnz]

I'd be saying to her that obviously in light of her actions in falsely accusing my daughter of bullying, and her vicious aggressive posts clearly aimed at my daughter on Facebook, neither my daughter nor myself wish to continue any sort of relationship with either of them. We wish them all the best for the future, but relationships between ourselves and them are henceforth at an end.

I would definitely be screenshotting the facebook messages, and giving the school a heads up - I had to do similar with my daughter in a fairly similar situation.

[herculepoirot2]

I feel a bit sorry for Isobel - she's 9!!! This is the time when you're supposed to be learning how to navigate friendships - if she's completely outcast then there's no lesson to be learnt.

That is a shame for her, but the OP’s DD can’t be forced to be friends with her.