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Page 5 | To be worried about MIL after vodka in DD's juice?

(265 Posts)
libbylove Thu 25-Oct-18 18:07:21

A couple of weekends ago we had Sunday lunch with my in-laws. My mother in law had some juice in a lemonade bottle that she told me she'd made herself. She gave me a glass and told me it wasn't alcoholic. I double checked this and she swore blind that it was just juice. It tasted just like juice, nothing strange about it - and it was like 11am so I didn't think any more about it.

Later on during the meal my 3.5 year old daughter needed a drink so I asked my mother in law what to give her. She said anything on the kitchen counter would do so I poured my daughter a cup of the juice and thought no more about it.

Two hours or so later my mother in law was a bottle or so deep in white wine. I was having a joke with someone and she pointed at me and accused me of being drunk. I replied that there was no way I could be drunk because I'd only been drinking the juice she made.

She then chose to reveal that this "juice" was made from 50% tropical J2O and 50% neat vodka. She'd given it to me mixed with flat lemonade, but I'd given it to my toddler as was. And I had no idea how much my daughter had drunk. My father in law said her cup was full when he cleared the table - but I'd only filled it 2/3rds full so that didn't add up. Meanwhile my mother in law's reaction was "well, you gave it to her." as if I know it had vodka in it!

The whole next day my daughter was down in the dumps, didn't eat, had a headache, was dizzy and was generally too ill to go to nursery. My husband was at work so when I told her she'd been ill all day (despite the fact she'd been up three times in the night and uncharacteristically wet herself twice the day of the juice) he alternately said it was down to her recent injections/me overreacting. I had to flat out accuse him if gaslighting me before he accepted that maybe the whole situation was not ideal.

The in-laws have previous - when DD was barely walking they took her out and got her badly burned with splinters in her feet from walking on a pier with little/no sunscreen. She nearly ended up in a burns unit, and me and my husband had to hold her down as a doctor pulled out a dozen or so large splinters.

My husband has now started arranging for my daughter to stay with them for a few days. I'm not sure what to say about this - he wants me to have the conversation with them because it's me that's unhappy, but I almost need a script or something. Do I say they can't look after her? Do I say they need to take better care? Or am I, as my husband thinks, overreacting?

OP’s posts: |
Fridaydreamer Thu 25-Oct-18 19:14:43

After the incident with sunburn and blisters I’d refuse unsupervised contact myself.

Now another incident has happened.

DD’s safety would come first with me.

BishopBrennansArse Thu 25-Oct-18 19:14:51

No. Fucking. Way. Would a child of mine be staying with adults behaving the way they have done. It's beyond negligent and waaaaay into straightforward abuse territory. If her father thinks it's ok he's also dangerous to be around. Actually they'd not only not be staying they'd not be allowed anywhere near them ever.

Fridaydreamer Thu 25-Oct-18 19:17:34

Also I’d just like to add...

What sort of man puts his parents feelings ahead of his child safety.

Seriously? He needs to grow a pair or he’s no father.

Grumpycrafter Thu 25-Oct-18 19:17:50

I’m going to say this as nicely as possible. Your self esteem and self confidence seems extremely low. Those around you, your mum, your dh, your in laws all minimise you and you seem to want their approval and will just do what you can to keep them all happy. No. You are a mum. You need to do what is right for your daughter and right for you. Not everyone else.

It’s time to put your big girl pants on and stand up for your child and yourself. The behaviour of everyone (inc yourself for not taking action after the first incident ) is really concerning. Maybe it’s worth popping into the local family centre and seeing if they have any support groups, just where you can go and be with other mums so you can see this whole situation is really unhealthy. You need to build yourself up so you can do what needs to be done.

GarlicGrace Thu 25-Oct-18 19:18:42

Your MIL has an alcohol problem. DH is enabling her, which suggests he's either a problem drinker himself (is he?) or grew up with it and the whole family's developed an emotional pattern that includes covering for Mum's booziness. This explains why SIL never reports any issues when MIL takes her DC - she'll be part of the family secret-keeping system.

No, you can't let them bring DD to stay with them. It's hard, but you'll just have to say no. The two incidents you're posted here are serious!

If it's any help, my SIL put her foot down about her kids staying with my parents. They weren't like your in-laws, but had other issues. She didn't explain her exact reasons (she was right, btw), just said she wasn't comfortable about it and she was sorry for hurting their feelings, but that was that.

Haven't read your other threads, but some of your replies make me think it's time you did put a foot down here and there! Good luck.

topcat2014 Thu 25-Oct-18 19:20:27

The very fact that there appears to be pre-mixed vodka and orange in normal squash bottles would be a red flag to me.

They have a disfunctional attitude to alcohol, and cannot prioritise a childs needs.

agnurse Thu 25-Oct-18 19:22:49

If she "doesn't think" then she is not safe to have around a child. Period.

You need to emphasize this to DH. It's not "loving" to suddenly "not think" about safety. That's DANGEROUS.

Just because SIL has not YET had a problem, doesn't mean that it's completely safe.

agnurse Thu 25-Oct-18 19:24:07

I'd say to DH, what if she "didn't think" and let DD run out in front of a car? What if she "didn't think" and wasn't paying attention and DD fell off a piece of playground equipment and was seriously injured?

When you have children, you can't just "not think". ESPECIALLy if you're caring for a child and you're a baby-sitter.

BertrandRussell Thu 25-Oct-18 19:24:53

Why didn't you take her straight to A&E when you discovered she'd drunk vodka?

Camelsinthegobi Thu 25-Oct-18 19:25:25

Were something else to happen to your child whilst in your PIL’s care, social workers would be asking very serious questions about your ability and your DH’s ability to protect your child from them, given that you both know they are a safety risk. Sounds like your DH would fail that assessment. You need to step up and protect your child. Get support from a health visitor if you need professional help.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall Thu 25-Oct-18 19:25:42

Your DH is angry at the wrong person. He needs to be angry at them, and put your DD first.

They've already neglected her seriously once in their care. They've purposely tried to get you drunk which could have had serious consequences for your DD especially if you had driven home. They're storing alcohol in normal bottles which means your DD wouldn't know the difference and could potentially drink from them.

These are not the sort of people to leave your child in the care of. Whether your SIL has an issue with it or not is completely beside the point.

Quartz2208 Thu 25-Oct-18 19:25:49

Your MIL spiked your drink - that is awful and illegal behaviour - she did it because she thinks you are no fun sober and therefore made you drink. It bullying behaviour and completely not on.

Your daughter then suffered the consequences and could have been quite ill - and none of them care

You should be questioning why you are married to him to be honest as he seems to be on board with spiking your drinks as well

Camelsinthegobi Thu 25-Oct-18 19:26:38

Also, you absolutely should have sought medical help when you found out she had drunk alcohol. A and E. She had been poisoned.

BewareOfDragons Thu 25-Oct-18 19:27:59

Your 'D'H is a fucking coward, prioritising his parents' feelings over your child's safety, prioritising his parents' wants over your child's safety. AND he's putting all the blame on you for standing up for what's right, but refusing to put it that way.

I would seriously consider the status of my marriage with someone who could behave like this. Show him the fucking thread! And suggest Al-Anon to get a fucking grip re his mother's problems with alcohol and how to actually deal.

He doesn't get an easy life because he wants one. He doesn't get to compromise his child's well being -- and yours! let's not forget you were drinking alcohol and not knowing it! You could have driven a car! -- because he's too much of a coward to face up to what actually has to be done here. He has to step up and tell his parents No.

I'm furious on your behalf.

BlueJava Thu 25-Oct-18 19:28:02

I wouldn't trust her again and certainly she would not having my DC without me being there. The woman sounds a moron (sorry)- you don't give people (including adults) alcohol without their consent. You think before you take a child with barefeet to walk on anything. What's it going to be next time?

Camelsinthegobi Thu 25-Oct-18 19:28:07

Their abuse of you has led you to medically neglecting your child. These are not good people.

BertrandRussell Thu 25-Oct-18 19:28:19

The sunburn thing could happen to anyone once- a lot of us will have been caught out on a cloudy day, for example-and I let my niece get burned once (nearly 20 years ago and I could cry now if I think about it too much) but vodka in a juice bottle where children could reach it? No way.

NerrSnerr Thu 25-Oct-18 19:29:09

I can't believe you didn't go to A&E after you suspected your 3 year old had drunk vodka or the next day when she was too unwell to go to nursery.

If your daughter had chopped her hand off and someone told you not to bother with hospital would you just listen to them?

BewareOfDragons Thu 25-Oct-18 19:29:17

Show him the thread. He knows it exists. Tell him to suck it up and read it like a grown up for a real world take on what's gone on here. Not a warped, head in the sand take. FFS!

SkaTastic Thu 25-Oct-18 19:30:18

You need to protect your daughter from these hideous people. She has already been seriously hurt by them and it needs to stop now before the authorities become involved and you are accused of not protecting her. Seriously, don't let your daughter continue to be hurt by these idiots.

Pebblesandfriends Thu 25-Oct-18 19:41:22

It doesn't need to be a big confrontation. Just agree with your DH that they don't see your dd unsupervised. Just don't ask them to have her (but take her to visit) and decline any offers they make politely but firmly. Your DH needs to be on board. If he doesn't understand the seriousness then you need to educate him. If he wants his mum to have her then he needs to have the conversation with her about her drink problem and she needs to recover from it by starting treatment. Tell him you will be willing to reassess once treatment is complete, but if she is in denial and refuses no dice. If he won't put his daughter first then it's a big red flag.

UbercornsGoggles Thu 25-Oct-18 19:42:09

I don't think I'd want to leave my dog with them, let alone my child.

RoboticMary Thu 25-Oct-18 19:42:53

I agree with other posters who’ve said your husband is a coward. That’s exactly what he is. Doesn’t want the conversation. How low can you get - prioritising his parents feelings over his daughters health and safety? My heart bleeds for them hmm

22anddrowning Thu 25-Oct-18 19:44:56

Not a chance in hell would I be leavening them in charge of my dd. If my husband didn't agree I would be questioning him over his priorities! His daughters health, or his parents feelings!

Fuck them, tel them no! For your child's sake!

Snomade Thu 25-Oct-18 19:45:40

Would your DH go to therapy with you, do you think, OP?

I think it would be very useful for him to gain a rational perspective from someone outside of his family, (family, who all seem to be in the FOG of thinking their behaviour is acceptable). You might get a bit of back-up that way.

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