To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

[FlashingMe]

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

[DeadGood]

You have got to be joking

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

I think this depends on ehat she has actually done to you. If it's a case that you just don't get along, then it would be u to stop your dh from going. But, if she has actually harmed you, then your husband's loyalty should be with you and I would take a dim view of my h not having my back.

[AnotherEmma]

You’re considering leaving him over this? Seriously?! There must be a long backstory and other issues in your marriage.

I have in-law trouble myself so I sympathise on that score. But I don’t see the big problem with him going tbh, unless it’s going to cost the family money you can’t afford, or unless you and/or DCs have health issues that will make it difficult to cope without him for a few days.

He can show his face, surely.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Oh for goodness sake you’d really throw away your marriage over him attending his sister’s wedding without you?!

Unless there is a massive backstory like she’s physically attacked you then get over yourself.

Would you be happy if in the future one of your kids partners didn’t like the other kid and refused to let them attend their wedding?

[OhLawdy]

It's fair enough you don't want to go but don't be mad at him for going. It's her wedding FGS. Grow up

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Your DH may be getting pressure from PILs to attend.

You said yourself you 'didn't tell him he couldn't go'. Why would you? It's his sister.

[ziggiestardust]

I think we need to know what she’s done tbh. But if it was me, I wouldn’t be reacting. The flight/hotel was booked (and paid for?) by PIL, so it’s not a huge amount out of your budget. He should show his face realistically.

[dinosaurkisses]

If the sexes were reversed here and it was a man trying to influence his wife’s relationship with a sibling to the extent he was threatening to leave if she attended a family event, he’d be quite rightly taken to task for being controlling.

[zippey]

You say sil is toxic. Do you think she would say the same if asked about you?

[Aquamarine1029]

You told him he should go. Now you don't want him to go. It seems you want him to read your mind as well. Is this really the hill you want to die on? Life is short, let it go.

[NorthEndGal]

Did you think your vows were 'I will, until I don't get my own way'?
What if he threatened to leave you if you didn't let him go?

[TruffleShuffles]

It’s all about how you feel. How do you think his parents would feel about their son refusing to attend their daughters wedding? Maybe he’s going to not upset his relationship with his parents.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

It's not about the wedding though, it's about loyalty to his wife. I'd leave a husband who didn't support me.

[astoundedgoat]

So just to be 100% clear.

You say that your SIL is toxic and selfish.

You are considering divorcing your husband for attending an important family wedding that he is NOT pushing you to attend, because he knows you don't get on with his sister. It's also not costing your family any money because his parents have covered it.

You say that you would never stop him going, but you're leaving him if he goes.

And your SISTER IN LAW is toxic and selfish.


Can we just have the drip feed now and be done with it?

[Twotailed]

I think YABU to feel resentful rather than having a discussion. Does your DH know how you feel?

As you agreed you wouldn’t attend (rather than you not being invited) I can see why your DH is going. You made the decision not to go which is your right, but he has the same right to decide. Of course he wants to go - it’s his sister. Even if they aren’t close, it’s still a really important family event.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to make him choose. And suggesting you would leave him over it is a huge overreaction. Unless there is a huge dripfeed coming and she has actually attacked you or something you can’t demand that he miss his sister’s wedding because you and her don’t get on. That would be really unfair and controlling.

[Hohofortherobbers]

Why do you want a huge marital over this?? It sounds ideal, you and the dc can't go anyway, no-one's put you in an awkward position by expecting you to be there. You will look like a very controlling wife by insisting your dh doesn't attend his sister's wedding, why do you want that argument??

[PeridotCricket]

Eh?

[trulybadlydeeply]

I think the crux of the matter is how she has treated you & your DC, and why you won't allow contact between her and your DC. I presume there must be some significant issues or safeguarding concerns.

It sounds like you had more or less agreed that you &DC wouldn't go, but not that he wouldn't. He must feel very torn. Ultimately it is his decision.

You say that you are considering leaving him, there must be other issues within the marriage, and this is the final straw? How is your relationship day to day?

[SummerInSun]

Of course he should go. This isn’t just about his sister, it’s about his parents and his wider family. His parents would probably be gutted if he doesn’t go. Furthermore, this isn’t a situation where he has to choose who to support, as it might be if you and SIL were arguing about something important, because him going doesn’t harm you in any way. Him doing the right thing by his sister and wider family isn’t him backing them over you or an implicit criticism of you. It’s him being a decent human being and rising about SIL’s behaviour and setting her and you DC a good example about not bearing grudges, etc.

And even if his sitter has behaved badly in the past, punishing her by preventing her brother from being at her wedding is not going to make her behave better in future. If he doesn’t go to her wedding, then probably that will cause a major rift that will not be able to be healed. It rules out the possibility that things will ever get better, probably rules out the chance of your DC getting to know any future cousins, etc.

[PeridotCricket]

If you don't want to go, fine, you don't want to take your kids, fine. But he's an independent person who gets to make his own mind up about whether going is the right thing for him to do or not.

[troodiedoo]

yabu. say what you mean and mean what you say.

are you really prepared to go through with an ultimatum?

[Quartz2208]

Yes of course you are. The solution appears to be the best one

[CoffeeFountain]

I think we can all see why the SIL doesn't like you.

Come on OP I know we cant always give too much information in fear of being outing, but there HAS to be a huge backstory.

We can not decide based on the tiny amount of info you have given

[Waddsup12]

Unless this is the final straw, let him go, He has obligations to his wider family too.

[OhTheTastyNuts]

When you say "no one has considered how you or the DC are going to feel" do you mean your PIL didn't consider it? Or your DH?

It all depends on the back story with your SIL, how long your DH will be away for, how much its costing you as a family and how many DC you have (plus their ages).

We need more info!