I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

[AllyMcBeagle]

How does your DH feel? I don't think mine would be happy going to a family party where I had been excluded, and I guess I'd feel very disappointed if he did want to go.

[AllyMcBeagle]

Ah sorry I've just misread and saw you said he said you were controlling not wanting him to go. I don't think that's fair. YANBU.

[AintNobody]

I would let your DH take your DD if he wants to. DD is his daughter too and I think when it comes to respective families, that parent should make the final decision (i.e. him about his family and you about yours).

However if your DH does take your DD, I think that says a lot about him and him prioritising his blood family over the family he's chosen with you and DD. He'd go down in my estimations if he did this TBH.

I think the right thing is for him to tell his SIL to fuck off because you come as a family unit. If he's not going to do this (which I suspect is the case) he should show his face to this thing but not take your DD. But he should make this choice, come to this decision himself.

Why did you take him back when he just upped and left you? He sounds like a twat.

[DorothyGarrod]

DH wouldn’t go to something I had been excluded from. We are a team.

[Merryoldgoat]

My DH would not countenance that behaviour and nor would I from my family.

Utterly ridiculous and I’d wonder what your DH has been saying to them.

[LittleBookofCalm]

SIL should butt out of your relationship.
she was wrong not to invite you.

[Shutityoutart]

My dh would tell his family to sod off if this were us. His prority should be you and DD.
I wouldn’t let Dd go. Bollocks to them all.

[BertrandRussell]

What has dh told them about why he left?

[Snipples]

Your DH has obviously been running his mouth off about you to his SIL when he went to live with her. Or did you have problems with her before this?

I wouldn't accept this tbh. Your DH either backs you up or he can get lost. You're always going to be second best to his family otherwise.

[MrsWembley]

My DP would give his family short shrift if they said any of this nonsense to him. Not that they would be stupid enough to!!

[peachgreen]

If my family didn't invite DH to a party I absolutely would not be going and I'd give serious consideration to going NC with them. DH and DD are my family and my priority.

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

Sounds to me like something went on while you separated and he was at his sister's.

Maybe he was seeing someone else and your SIL can't deal with it?
Or he spent the time slagging you off and how heartbroken he was so his sister blames you for everything?

[CassandraCross]

I wonder what your dh has said to them about you and the reasons why he left.

I'd be seriously considering my relationship at this point too, why is he so craven towards his sisters? He has every right to speak to his mother about you being excluded, frankly if he had a backbone he'd tell them all to do one.

If I were you I wouldn't want to go to anything involving them, they cannot insist your daughter is there but equally I don't think you can reasonably stop your husband from taking her although I don't think either he or your daughter should go.

[Failingat40]

Your husband has really done a good number on you here. He's obviously gone behind your back and been badmouthing you to his family.

Has he been honest with you about why he left? Or more importantly why he returned??

The cynical side of me is saying your living with the enemy here and my concern would be that he's plotting to leave you when he's organised and remove your daughter too.

Get yourself a good support network and don't tell him or his family anything anymore.

Personally I think it's disgusting to leave you out of a party and no person with any decency would actually do that never mind condone it (your dh?)

Your marriage is effectively over, he's done irreparable damage.

[JayoftheRed]

I am quite happy for my husband to take the DCs to his parents in the normal run of things. I get on OK with my in laws but they are not people I particularly want to spend time with.

However, if there was a party and I was specifically left out, I would expect my husband to tell his family no, that we came as a family of 4 or not at all. I'm pretty sure he would too, although he might well ask me to let it go while telling them no in the hope that one or other would give in gracefully. Thankfully, even when I was in the depths of PND and utterly hated his parents (and made it clear), they never cut me out like that.

Your SIL is bang out of order to insist that you are not to come but your DD is. One thing to invite her brother only, but to actively insist that you don't come is beyond rude and I think that you should absolutely demand that DD stay with you, or you all go. Not controlling at all, but making a point - you are a family.

[Tortoisecharlie]

I should also add that I have an older son (from previous marriage) and he’s not invited either. Not that he’d be interested tbh but it seems that blood ties are everything.

I’m really disappointed my DH hasn’t stood up for me and either said fine about DD not going, or didn’t go at all. In fact he’s helped her with preparations as he said that he wanted to give something back to her after she’d let him live with her last year.

[flumpybear]

No way, everyone invited or none attend. Your SIL is being controlling and manipulative, if your DH gives in now it'll continue forever - easier to nip in the bud now and tell her to back off and stop trying to meddle in your relationship but it needs to
Come from your DH

[CircleofWillis]

I would probably just turn up anyway. Although SIL2 is hosting she really has no right to exclude a potential guest of birthday SIL.

[Mookatron]

This would be a deal breaker for me. DH should be on your side (well, there shouldn't be sides, but as there are).

What is good about your DH? Why are you allowing him to treat you like this?

[Aprilshowersnowastorm]

Taking your dd is letting her know he agrees you are a second rate family member.
At 4 she should not be surrounded by toxic family imo.
Tell dh when dd is old enough to decide for herself she can visit.
Or take his uncut cord and wrap it round his bloody neck.

[Twotailed]

My DH would refuse to attend under those circumstances and I think it sadly says a lot about yours that he plans to go. I would ask him to explain where his loyalties lie here.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Weak weak man, no backbone, that is a disgrace. I would be reconsidering the relationship if I were you.

[m00rfarm]

Take dd out for a few days at the time of the party.

[DDogMum]

There's no way my partner would attend under those circumstances.... I wouldn't even have to comment frankly!
The Mumsnet saying 'I think you have a DH problem, rather than an ILs problem' really springs to mind

[Elephant14]

My H's family are the same, they regard me as something unfortunate that happened. We've been married 30 years and its never changed.

Have been NC with them for 17 years and I have to say its been great for me. But of course he wants to see them so he goes alone, he NEVER takes our DCs, that is non-negotiable. Anyway now they are old enough to decide and they dont want to see these people. Maybe they will change their minds in a few years time but they'll be adults so up to them. Your DH does not get to take your DD into an environment where you are scorned.