DH away for 5 not 4 nights in NYC

[lolarocco]

DH has a daughter from a previous marriage, she's 22. We have 3DC, 6, 5 & 3. DH decided for her 21st birthday (last year) he would like to take her to New York. I admit I did feel a bit envious but didn't really mind. I am concerned about the cost as this is not something we can really afford and DH is useless with money anyway, spends it as soon as he gets it. Anyway I asked him to limit it to 4 nights away. He agreed. Then booked flights without discussing dates with me and turns out he'll be away for 5 nights. He says he didn't count the night on the flight home as "being away". I am furious for three reasons. Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails. no family nearby and can't ask friends as they mostly have their own DC and those who don't will be working during the week. SEcondly because he explicitly promised 4 nights but thirdly his reaction - he's actually laughing at me and keeps telling me "to get over myself", what's the big deal etc? Looking back, i feel he knew exactly what he was doing when he booked flights as he did it with stepDD in our house while I was looking after our DC. He would never normally do that without checking first. I'm really upset over this and cannot see how to get over it. He keeps asking how long I'm going to be annoyed for and refuses to apologise. AIBU please?

[NaomiNagata]

If you can afford it, book yourself away somewhere for 5 nights and leave him to it with the kids.

[Dennishoppersocks]

I get why you’re upset but you’re being unreasonable. By the sound of it he’s booked 4 nights in a hotel, but with the time zones there’s the extra night travel. No biggie.

[ElainaElephant]

So one of the nights he's on a flight?

I would class 4 nights as nights in a hotel or other accommodation. I wouldn't include travel time in that. So I think YABU, sorry!

(but I understand how you feel if money is tight and he spend like it isn't. Been there, never again!)

[ManyCrisps]

It’s one extra day because the flight home is overnight. YABVU

[Dennishoppersocks]

Fwiw I did it the opposite way round and arrived in New York to find my hotel room wasn’t ready because it was still the same day and not the next day even though I’d slept on the plane. It took a very patient lady on reception demonstrating with a pen and a calendar before I understood!

[Spam88]

I'd call that 4 nights as well. I can understand you bring a bit apprehensive about 5 nights on your own with the kids but I think you're completely overreacting.

[Knittedfairies]

He will be in NYC for 4 nights though; the fifth is on a plane.

[whyareyoucrying]

In the nicest possible way, what difference does it make? 4 nights/5 nights it's all the same. It is hard but people do it every day.

I get that you are pissed off with him for not checking with you first and that he is going when you can't afford it (valid reasons) I just think that he isn't getting it because you aren't saying what is really pissing you off.

Just tell him he was stupid to promise something like that when you can't afford it and even more stupid not to check dates with you.

[PinkHeart5914]

His dd will be 21 just once! She won’t be turning 21 again so it’s not like he will be off away with her every bloody year is it. For a one off as his dd is turning 21 I think your cope with your other dc for a few nights won’t you surely?

One of the nights is the flight home so it’s hardly like he will be out having a great time

Yabu

[Usernumbers1234]

It’s 4 nights not 5, YABU.

3 nights and a travel night is pointless, particularly as they will be jumping time zones on the way out and will need a day to adjust. He’s done exactly as you agreed

[legolimb]

I agree with PP. Four nights in a hotel. The fifth he is in transit.

[Nesssie]

YABU I'm afraid. You are 'furious' because of one extra night, that's basically just travel time?

[Helloisitteaurlookingfor]

Sorry but I also think YABU.

I'd so ignore this - If you can afford it, book yourself away somewhere for 5 nights and leave him to it with the kids given you've already said NYC isn't really something you can afford as it is, OP.

[PinkAvocado]

You’re not being very unreasonable; an extra unagreed night can feel a lot longer than 12 hours or so when you’re already tired. I wouldn’t count the travel in a trip usually but if you agreed he’d be away for a set time and he ignored that, I can see why you’d feel fed up. More so given he is laughing at you-that’s just nasty.

[PaulRuddislush]

I think you're angry about the whole thing, possibly justified because it's a lot of money, possibly unjustified if you resent him spending time/money on your stepdaughter that you think should be more weighed in favour of the dc you have together. The extra night is just a peg to hang it on.

[Neshoma]

Firstly, on my own with 3 very demanding and exhausting for 5 nights with all that entails.

They are your kids which you chose to have. My Dh went away regularly with work and I just had to get on with it. In fact sometimes its easier without him!

[PinkAvocado]

Neshoma-children they chose to have. They. Not ‘she’ alone. Joint responsibility!

[JustBeReasonable]

You’re being pretty spiteful really. He’s spending 4 nights in New York. To be honest I think this all stems from his daughter getting a nice fancy holiday and not you.

What do you think single mothers of multiple children do every day of the year? Mothers can parent alone, as can fathers. I don’t mean to be rude, but in the nicest way possible, get a grip

[MumW]

When he gets back, remind him that you have children together and he's set a precedent here. You need to discuss how you are going to save for 3 more NYC trips. You can go with 2 of your children and he can take the other one. Also book yourself a couple of days away and leave him with the children. I'd be tempted to say 2 days and take 4 as you aren't counting the travel days either end

I think that you really need to get on top of the money burning a hole in his pocket thing.

[KickAssAngel]

1. If you can't afford it then he was U to even suggest it.
   
2. As hard as it is, millions of single parents look after children without any support for years at a time, so taking care of your kids is do-able (but hard, of course). Although, you should have the same freedom to take yourself off for some fun time while he takes care of the kids.
   
3. Going all the way to NY for just 3 nights there (2 days of actual time to do things) is crazy. It's more sensible to do the extra day and actually have time to enjoy it there. It would be a huge waste of money to go for a really short time.
   
4. Back off, let him get over his giggles, then ask to have a proper discussion about why you're upset. If he keeps laughing & belittling your response, then your problems are bigger than one night away from home.

[Hissy]

This has FUCK ALL to do with the kids. this is 100% jealousy and resentment, but using the kids as a stick to beat your H with. Passive aggressive and manipulative.

These are your DC and you can handle looking after them for a few nights. many many parents look after 3 or more kids on their own every single day/night. Your H will be away for a few days and then back.

Your H has a 21yo daughter who he wants to do something special with, and even better, they have managed to cultivate a relationship strong enough for her to WANT to go away with him to NYC.

work on your resentment of him and his first DC, it's very ugly and she deserves better than that from you.

[NevilleLuna]

YABVU OP- I think your letting your jealousy

[Delatron]

NYC is very expensive so not the kind of place you go to when you’re strapped for cash. That would annoy me.

You need to make sure you get equal time off. Girls week in the sun next year? Only way to stop resentment building...

[Dennishoppersocks]

Be nice. Send him to Saks on Fifth and get you something sparkly.

[Ta1kinpeace]

The night on the plane DOES NOT count as an extra holiday night.

His daughter is only 21 once.