To think hitting a child is never ok?

[Blueisland]

My husband hit my three year old daughter in the arm today. Not that hard, no bruise but a temporary res mark. She had spat on his leg and he reacted angrily by hitying het and telling her off.

What followed was an argument between us because he thinks it was all fine, and said he’d do it again if he thought it appropriate. He classed this as spanking. He has never done this before and otherwise we’re usually on the same page with discipline.

IMO hitting is different to spanking and a child should never be hit in anger, even light hitting.

He reacted pretty horribly towards me when I told him how I feel, called me disgusting and started comparing me to my father (who can’t take personal criticism). After around 30 minutes he apologised for overreacting (but not for the hitting). I’m keeping quiet now and processing this. To put ghis in context, he is a loving doting father and most of the time he is a wonderful husband.

Mumsnetters AIBU to think hitting in anger is wrong, or is this normal in some families?

[NewYearNewMe18]

Did she spit at him, in temper?

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Hitting a child is never okay, although DD sometimes makes me want to, but she's 10, not 3, and she knows my triggers but still won't stop.

[Gilead]

There are no circumstances in which it is acceptable to hit a three year old. He is sending a message saying that it's okay for adults to lash out in anger. That is wrong. Put it too him that had it been a man/woman at the pub he wouldn't have hit them so why is it acceptable to do it to a three year old.
A loving, doting father neither hits their child nor abuses their mother by calling them disgusting and comparing them to people that don't impress them.

[Blueisland]

She was just messing about, not having a tantrum or anything like that. The spitting was naughty but more silly, not in anger.

[Oysterbabe]

Yanbu, it's wrong. He obviously lashed out in temper and he needs to realise this isn't ok. He might do it harder next time.

[Merryoldgoat]

It’s normal in many families. It’s still wrong.

[FissionChips]

All hitting is wrong, even spanking.

[RoboticSealpup]

Yanbu. What's he teaching her? That spitting is not ok, but hitting is?

I'd be questioning how wonderful he is considering he called you "disgusting". That's completely out of order. I find it a bit concerning that you don't seem too shocked by it. Does he often call you things like that?

[NewYearNewMe18]

Spitting is filthy, its an absolute mark of disrespect. And it isn't a taught thing, it's an instinctive thing.

[blackbirdbluebottle]

YABU he was right to do what he did, it's just best to stop the spitting quickly

[Blueisland]

Robitic he doesn’t often call me things like disgusting but it has happened probably about 3 times in the past year. I am keeping a mental note because it is so unusual and it never happened before that. We have been together a long time and married 9 years.

[Imchangingmyname]

Not ok to hit but he's reacted to spitting, which is disgusting even from a 3 year old. My DS has done it at a similar age and whilst he wasn't hit was most definitely punished, toys taken away, time in his room to calm down.
Don't just describe it as 'silly' because if she does that to another child in front of their parent, you'll probably find out how 'silly' it is.

[peppapoops]

I couldn't be with someone who did that. It doesn't matter if she smacked him in the face with a hard object, on purpose- she's 3!!!!

There's no excuse for his reaction, it's just lazy parenting. Can't be bothered to discipline her appropriately so will just smack her instead.. bloody awful message to send a child.

[Armadillostoes]

YANBU at all-hitting children is never okay and hitting a toddler is just appalling.

The posters making an issue of the spitting are really not helping. Neither the OP nor anybody else is suggesting that it doesn't need to be punished. However a three year old wouldn't realise that it was disgusting, unhygienic or disrespectful in the way that an older child would. People need to stop projecting about that and focus in the question about a parent hitting a toddler.

[Sparklesocks]

I think be could’ve disciplined her for spitting without being physical.

[dangermouseisace]

There is no need to hit any child, ever. A 3 year old needs to be told that spitting is not allowed, and if she feels cross she could use words, not hit. If she gets hit by an adult expect her to repeat that behaviour towards others.

I’ve got 3, eldest at secondary and none of them have ever been hit by an adult. In our family hitting is not allowed and if anyone does it there has been time outs in the past when younger, or removal of privileges when older. They’ve never hit a child outside of their siblings, never hit me, and their behaviour always receives positive comments at school. I think things would have been different if they’d been slapped.

[onalongsabbatical]

It’s never ok and I don’t understand the distinction between spanking and hitting, either. She’s three, which is still tiny. He’s old enough to control himself and use thought and decide what’s a good discipline for her for her own benefit. Not to be hitting her in the throes of his own emotion. That’s what parenting is. I’d be worried. Sorry, OP.

[Oblomov18]

He probably knows he shouldn't have hit her.
But she spat at him? That's very unusual for a 3 year old?

[Typhers]

If this is a one time thing there is no issue, cause vs effect hopefully she won’t do it again. What IS an issue is that you too need to come to an agreement as to how you discipline your child. As you are categorically against it I think the husband should respect that.

The only iffy thing is you said he slapped in anger, which is not ok in my mind as a bloke. I’m sure many mums don’t agree it’s ok at all but hey ho we are allowed to differ in our opinions 😄

[Metoodear]

Teach your child not to spit

Smacking is legal and it’s very normal among those who don’t clutch pearls and not middle class

Round here if you don’t give you child a smack for spitting their would be looks

[Typhers]

Two ^ 😡

[AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale]

YANBU

It disgusts me that there are people here justifying assault of a child.

[ThePricklySheep]

I think either he lost his temper, which isn’t ok or thinks it’s ok to hit and small child, which also isn’t ok. I’d be looking for a big apology and for him to say he won’t do it again.

[Typhers]

Oh for gods sake at posters like the above. Replace your sanctimonious twaddle like “it’s assault and wrong” with the minor alteration “I believe it’s assault and wrong”. Unless you happen to be a prophet of god your opinion is no more relevant than anyone else’s on the subject of completely legal actions under English law.

Fox hunting, abortions, guns, gay marriage, body shaming, transgender rights, politics.... the world does not think on the same wavelength and we are entitled to disagree.

[Metoodear]

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale

YANBU

It disgusts me that there are people here justifying assault of a child.
its not assault the law doesn’t agree you are allowed to smack your child a prentending giving a child a Samarkand and walking up to a child and just assaulting them is the same is