MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

[Ginosaji]

Yanbu! That's awful! If it was me i would tell dh he could do what he liked but that i wouldn't be attending full stop

[BertrandRussell]

Blimey! How on earth did she say that to you without a blush?

[FrazzledAndFeelingIt]

YANBU, send DH with the kids & have a weekend to yourself!

[MrsKoala]

errr, no.

[MarthasGinYard]

Are they Borrowers is the wedding in a tea pot?

Surely one more family guest won't make a difference

[AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork]

When you say SIL and BIL do you mean your DH's siblings or his sibling plus spouse? Does she want blooooooood only at the ceremony? in which case what is she going to do about her new DH

[Lindy2]

Yanbu. That's really very rude of her.
I would be telling DH if he wants to go on his own with the children he can but if you are not invited yo the reception with your husband and children you won't attend at all. (or organise dresses, decorations etc)

[tradervictoria]

You might have mellowed, OP, but MIL hasn't.

[Hoppinggreen]

That’s her telling you very firmly she doesn’t consider you to be part of the family.
Tell DH that you are having nothing to do with any of it

[mavismcruet]

Yabu to find it only irritating. You should be fuming! She is using you. I’d provide the dresses and let dh and the kids go. But I’d then withdraw all offer of help and interest. Tell her to let one of the chosen few help her instead.

[Idontdowindows]

Wait, wait, wait, you are not invited to the ceremony? What the actual fuck?

[Goosegettingfat]

I am so relieved by these responses! Lindy I am invited to the reception, just not the ceremony. Auntfidget yes SIL and BIL are DH's siblings. And yes, I believe she really wants only blood there. She has always been odd about blood-family vs people who have been blessed to marry into the family (ie moi).

DH has declared (to me) that if I'm not there, he won't be there. Which is v nice of him, but I wouldn't actually want him to make a stand- I'd only get painted as the villain. There really is no wiggle room in the number of people that can attend the venue (which will have been chosen because it is picturesque but also affordable). I am tempted just to declare that I won't go to any of it, but having achieved a good relationship with her, I really don't want to cause a rift by being mean-spirited. Also, I'd genuinely love to go! There are family jokes about how much I love a wedding and I'm genuinely delighted for her. Hence my irritation at being excluded!

[millymae]

Do dsil and dbil have partners and if so are they invited? If the answer is yes, then you are definitely not being unreasonable. Even if they, like you, are not invited I'd still find it hard not to think the same way about her.
In my view long term partners of children are members of the family and its unkind to treat them almost as second class citizens. There will be some on here who no doubt will think that it's MIL's wedding and she can choose where it takes place and who to invite, but if money is so tight she cant afford somewhere that can accommodate all family members of the wedding party she should just elope.
Your OP needs to stand up to the mark here and tell his mum that what she is planning is mean spirited and will do nothing for family relations generally.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

I'd reply and just say that since DH is giving her away he obviously won't be able to watch the Dd's and as they aren't comfortable with people they don't see very often, and that since you don't want to stress out anyone on the day, you'll keep the DDs with you and they can wear the pretty dresses for the photos after the ceremony.

[Nanny0gg]

I think as Mother of the Bridesmaids and Decorator you should go and your DH needs to have words.

Are his sister and brother married with children? What's happening with them? (and the groom's family?)

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

I would be washing my hair that day.
And my dd's too.
Cf of the day and it's only 9.45.

[Goosegettingfat]

DSIL has kids (page boys) so they will be there but her dp, presumably is uninvited (and won't be in the slightest bit bothered). DBIL does not have kids or Dp.

[ikeepaforkinmypurse]

DH has declared (to me) that if I'm not there, he won't be there.

perfect and only acceptable answer. You are married, you come as a unit. Your MIL is not irritating she is rude and nasty.

I am trying to imagine my own parents telling me not to bring my own DH, I would not accept it . Unless it's a hospital room, you don't split families that way. It's hurtful, and why would you want to hurt people that way?

[NewYearNewMe18]

Our local Registrars only has accommodation for B&G plus 20 guests, so if your family is big, then the married-ins would have to wait outside. not everywhere has an infinite capacity.

So to put that in perspective EG B&G , plus parents (4), plus say 2 siblings a piece (4) maybe a granny or two each (4), what if you are doing things back to front and are bringing in your own children/children from other relationships? you soon accrue 20 people

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

“MIL, let me get this right, you want me to pay for and arrange dresses and transport and suit and decorations and XYZ and then sit outside? You want DH to celebrate your marriage while you ignore his?”

[AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork]

Could she be looking for an argument? I'd just go along with it all, nodding yes dear, isn't that lovely etc. You can really have some fun here. Stay with them on the day, go to the venue, hang around right up until the ceremony starts - because someone's got to take photos, look after your DDs, right? But she'll be thinking how can she get rid of you, and when they start going into the room you can fan yourself and ask for a chair, or ask for them to keep the door open a bit just so you can see from the back. The service isn't going to take long, you could even livefeed it "here I am from outside MIL's ceremony. Yes just me the only one not let in she thinks she's Peggy Mitchell It's a little bit lonely but I'm sure all my family are having a lovely time without me"

[FullMetalRabbit]

I think as Mother of the Bridesmaids and Decorator you should go and your DH needs to have words

^^^^
this

[Bluelady]

That's absolutely shocking. You must be very hurt at the message that sends you. Can I suggest you respond in a way that's all about her? You could say that you love her and value your relationship with her and would love to share that special moment when she joins her life with her partner's. If you tackle this the right way, she'll fall for it hook, line and sinker. She really hasn't thought this through, has she?

[MarthasGinYard]

Bloody hell an entourage of page boys bridesmaids etc but can't possibly fit you in

[Zaphodsotherhead]

It might be a very small ceremony room to keep costs down. DB married with only blood relatives present (so his kids were there but mine had to wait outside, whilst I was there for the ceremony). My kids moaned a bit, but it was the only way for them to marry where they wanted. And the room really WAS too small to allow extra people in.

For the sake of good relations I'd just suck it up, OP. It might be a lovely day! As long as, as PP said, other less-than-immediate family are also waiting outside.