To tell someone their kids should come first

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Yesterday I was meeting with some friends one of which I’m not as close with but she always tags along which is fine. We got onto the subject and she said how she doesn’t have any money to buy her kids some new school shoes. Before that topic had came up she was saying how a family member was on holiday and was getting her some cigarettes and alcohol and it was really cheap. (She was paying for it)
Usually I bite my tongue but she just pissed me off.
I said to her how about maybe she should stop drinking and smoking and buy her kid the new school shoes they need. She only has 2 kids. She was a bit gobsmacked. Didn’t really say much just made up an excuse and left.
Am I the only one bothered by the fact that people not putting their kids first and complain about the kids not having any nice clothes etc when they spend a majority of their money on stuff they don’t really need.

I don’t drink or smoke and I just about make ends meet, the only time I buy stuff for my self is Christmas and birthday. All my other spare money gets spent on my fast growing children. Esp3cially my son who seems to grow inches every day 🙈 I manage to £50 for holiday every month and £50 for Christmas every month. I’m not the only one that feels like this right?

[crispsandgin]

you were really rude.

[insancerre]

Yabu
What she does with her money is none of your business
You were very rude
And you sound a bit smug

[witchofzog]

She sounds like a selfish mare. Good on you for saying something. Hopefully she will think twice now

[minipie]

I don't think kids should always come first but I do think shoes that fit come before cigs and alcohol.

You were rude but right 🤷‍♀️

[VanGoghsLeftEar]

Whilst what she spends her money on is her business, I cannot help but think you had a point.

[bakingaddict]

It's all in the context. Unless his school shoes had holes in or were 2 sizes too small then she's wrong. Sometimes I look and think my DS needs new school shoes as they've become a bit worn and scuffed but he's still got another few months left before they need properly replacing. Unless you knew the exact state of the school shoes then you were rude to comment

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Okay I may have came across as rude I realise that but how I actually said it to her was a bit more sensitive. Usually I bite my tongue and keep my comments to myself and most of the time I just listen and say absolutely nothing, but she complains about similar stuff every time we meet up and I’d just had enough. Maybe I could have handled it slightly better.

[Elementtree]

Urgh, I think I'm in the midst of a sea change on this one. Normally, I'd be saying that you shouldn't judge but, no, fuck it. If someone is serving their desire for fags and booze before their children's need for shoes and are stupid enough to whine about it in front of others then I think yeah, I'd have struggled not to point that out too.

[NotAnotherEmma]

I don't think kids should always come first, I think that misguided belief is a big factor in how high the divorce rate is. However their basic needs should be a priority of course. Actual needs not wants just dressed up as needs.

If the child has outgrown or worn out all their school shoes and now walks around in pain because their Mum spent her money on alcohol and cigarettes, then you had a good albeit perhaps harsh point. If she was just whinging about not having extra money for a pair of desired but not actually needed shoes for her child then that's different.

[Trashboat]

Aren't you wonderful OP! You sound like you want a pat on the back.

I really don't know anybody who puts fags and booze before their children's welfare irl.

[BlindLemonAlley]

YANBU people’s priorities are different but providing your kids with food, clothes and shoes should come top of the list for any parent. Buying booze and fags while your kids go without is incredibly selfish.

[ilovesooty]

Now you're drip feeding.

Think what you like but you were rude - especially as others were there.

[House4]

Ooo I’m with you OP! This sort of stuff drives me mad! Moaning they can’t afford something essential then they tell you/or you see them waste money on other stuff! Lots of people have NO money managent skills.

[GetsPostByOwl]

You were rude.

You weren't wrong though.

Smoking is hard to give up but unless she has a problem with alcohol then buying that is purely wasting money on her own fun over providing the basics for her children.
(Addiction doesn't excuse it, but goes to explain it a little. If there's no addiction and she just 'wants' it, she's more of a shit mum)

[TheRebel]

I definitely would have judged her! Cigarettes and alcohol are luxuries and if she can’t afford basics then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to point that out to her.

A friend of mine works for a bank and when people come in complaining that they can’t afford to pay their rent/buy food/other essentials and she suggests they cancel their Sky subscription she says she’s always given some pathetic reason why they couldn’t possibly cancel Sky.

[DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops]

In theory I'm with you in this instance. In practice, unless you know the exact ins and outs of how she spends her every penny, I wouldn't say anything. Also if you were out in a group, you're lucky it didn't cause a row.

[lazyarse123]

Good for you. If she didn't like it she shouldn't have moaned in the first place. At work I get parents telling kids they can't have a small bag of sweets because they can't afford it while paying over a tenner for a packet of cigs. I'm not saying parents aren't entitled to things of course they are but don't do it in front of your kids.

[Youngmystery]

I'd have probably said the same thing to be honest. Your kids come first obviously, otherwise what kind of parent are you if you think alcohol and cigarettes are more important than your child's welfare? I doubt any social worker would think differently.

[PlanNumber]

I agree with PP. I actually think it's unhealthy to say kids always come first, but shoes (assuming they really do need them, rather than it's another fashion pair they want) should come before cigarettes and alcohol.

However, it's none of your business and you were rude. You will have upset her, but that's OK because you get to feel all pleased and righteous with yourself.

[Runlikeabull22]

Completely agree with you. Kids shoes come before booze and fags

[upsideup]

You were right OP, unfortunately I doubt you will of changed this woman, she will still continue to put her kids last and maybe just dislike you less.
I've met many parents like this, its upsets me but I've never said anything as I knew me saying anything wouldnt actuall benefit the children in the slightest.

[NapYearStudent]

I think you did the right thing. That child has no way to get himself new shoes. Maybe it will make her think. Maybe it won't. At best you caused her a bit upset. But if the kids gets better taken care of then it was worth it.

[0hCrepe]

I actually think people like that are never told what you said as everyone is too polite, so they think it’s actually fine or don’t even equate the 2 things. It’s important that someone does point out the obvious occasionally. Very brave!

[alotalotalot]

You were right to judge but wrong to say anything, even though it must have been really galling to sit and have to listen to it over and over.

[ReinettePompadour]

Of course childrens shoes need to come before fags and booze. I think the way you say it though needs to be carefully thought out.

I imagine shes now sat at home smoking a cigarette and having a glass of wine while thinking how rude you were instead of thinking how shes going to cut back on wine to buy her child shoes.

I do know someone who goes on holiday every year on her own leaving her dc with family. (They have a family holiday too)

Her ds has a school camp in June. He's year 6 so his last primary school camp. He cant go because she cant afford to send him on the school camp because she needs the money for her holiday on her own.

I know several people have told her they think she needs to cancel her holiday so her ds can go on his camping trip. He is devastated he cant go. He's the only child not going. She doesn't see why she should cancel her holiday as her ds could do really well in life and have wonderful holidays in the future so not lose out.


She's now very angry with those people who questioned her choices. Shes more determined to go on her holiday now. She isn't willing to see it any other way and you OP will probably find your situation will be the same.