To refuse to host/associate with my friend's boyfriend? *Trigger Warning*

[RedSuitcase]

Been friends with "Anne" since school. We're close and she's been a great friend to me. Anne has had a very difficult time of it, losing both parents (we're in our twenties) within a few weeks of one another several years ago. I want to do everything I can to support her, she's a very sensitive person, and can be quite dramatic, so minor things can often escalate very quickly and she can struggle to deal with this.

Anne's biggest dream has always been to find Prince Charming, get married and have kids.
Her new boyfriend is apparently "the One" and they are madly in love. He is rich, handsome and charming.

Except he's married. With 3 children. His wife is pregnant.

When the affair first started, Anne told me it was a one time thing (drunken) and that he loved his wife, who was a decent woman and that she knew it was never going any further.

Now, a few months down the line, he is apparently leaving his wife who he doesn't love, who is mean to him, to live with Anne. He is waiting for his child to be born (Wife has had miscarriages and so leaving her before would be risky ).

Boyfriend is more than ten years older than us, apparently is a "great guy" and I'll "love him". Perhaps I'm jaded, but all I see is a scumbag using a vulnerable younger woman whilst his poor wife is heavily pregnant.

Anne has already planned their future, including what house they will buy etc etc.

The whole thing makes me feel sick, I'm astonished that I feel so strongly about it as I know its "none of my business" however it really really bothers me.

I'm having a birthday party in a few weeks. I know that Anne will want to bring Boyfriend. A lot of mutual friends are coming with their partners. I know in the future if boyfriend leaves his wife, Anne will be bringing him to dinners etc.
I'm struggling to maintain my friendship with her (internally, I haven't spoken to her about it), and as selfish as it sounds just can't see how I could possibly be civil to a man who cheated on and left the Mother of his 4 children (one a newborn).

AIBU to say all this? I know for a fact it will not stop Anne, and will highly likely result in a very heated argument, with Anne potentially cutting me off.

[Shoxfordian]

Yabu

Its not your job to judge your friend or her partner.

[RedSuitcase]

Its not your job to judge your friend or her partner.

Are you honestly telling me that you wouldn't be judging a man who is cheating on his heavily pregnant wife? Who is planning on leaving her with a newborn and their 3 young children to be with a twenty-something year old he met 6 months ago?

[blindmelons]

I don't think he will be coming to your social events and I don't think he will be leaving his wife. These are just dreams your friend has.
Stick by her and help pick up the pieces when they inevitably need picking up

[MrsCaecilius]

I'd judge. My v close friend had an affair with a married man etc. He was a total fantasist and clearly lived the attention. I told her that I loved her and supported her, but would not be inviting said man to social events as her partner whilst he was still with his wife.

Was a bit awkward but she understood and unsurprisingly he didn't leave his wife and it all went wrong.

Like you, I couldn't pretend that it was all fine.

[Shoxfordian]

Yes I'm honestly telling you that

It's not your business; you're not the adultery police and you will definitely push your friend away if you decide to take the moral high ground and not associate with her new partner.

[Pigglesworth]

YANBU, I think you're free to respond however fits with your values in this situation.

[BulletFox]

I doubt he'd actually leave his family...

It might be best to try to reflect reality back to Anne but otherwise stay out of it

[Angelicinnocent]

I get where you are coming from op but I would keep quiet for now. It's highly likely he will discover other reasons why he can't leave his wife after the baby is born and will disappear from your friends life.

She shouldn't be with him but from the sounds of it, she's vulnerable so I wouldn't be too hard on her and hope she learns her lesson.

[OhCarrieMathison]

I think you have to step back and leave your friend to make decisions about her life how she wants to.
Then be there for her if/when things don't go the way she is dreaming they are going to go.
I honestly don't think this man will leave his wife.

[Jobjobjob]

God that's tough!

You're right he's a scumbag but she's your friend.

She'll quite likely end up getting hurt, he'll strung out the leaving of the wife once the baby is born. It'll be once the baby's settled, once the baby can walk, once the baby's at school once the baby's a teen, once the bay is at uni!

I think as a true friend you need to have the discussion of what if he doesn't leave? What if he does leave? What sort of a man is he?

Explain that you'll find in difficult to interact with him without mentioning his wife and three kids and fourth pregnancy because that's a huge part of his life. You know you'll end up showing disgust and to save her the embarrassment perhaps it's best she comes alone? But that you are there for her.

[RedSuitcase]

Stick by her and help pick up the pieces when they inevitably need picking up
Yes, this was my plan before - I just change the subject when she brings it up and was preparing for the fallout but it just seems to be getting worse. He's moved from "loving both of them" to his wife being a "harpy" who's cruel to him and he doesn't love her etc etc.
It's screamingly obvious what's going on and even if he does leave, Anne doesn't seem to have taken into account that she'll have 4 step children and a very very angry ex to contend with.

[CrazyExIngenue]

I'd be judging my judgy pants off OP, and YANBU to not want to associate with him. BUT....Do you honestly think it's ever going to come to that? As others have said, he isn't going to leave his wife, he's not going to go to your party. Right now you need to keep your mouth shut so you can be there to pick up the pieces of your friend when the truth punches her in the face (if that's what you want).

[pilates]

He won’t leave his wife. Be there for her when it all goes horribly wrong.

[Shadow1986]

I’d keep quiet as the chances are it won’t work out between them anyway. And you don’t want to ruin your friendship when he could potentially be out the picture soon anyway. If you can, just pretend you don’t know his back story - maybe even tell your friend you’d rather not know any more details if she tries to talk about his wife etc again.

[RedSuitcase]

I think as a true friend you need to have the discussion of what if he doesn't leave? What if he does leave? What sort of a man is he?


Yes yes yes. You're all right.

I've been thinking of this from how I feel about it which is selfish I know, I need to compartmentalise and stop thinking about how it affects me, but how it affects her.

[Jobjobjob]

It's not your business; you're not the adultery police and you will definitely push your friend away if you decide to take the moral high ground and not associate with her new partner.

So while associating with the partner does OP ask after his wife and four kids? I mean that's a pretty big thing to avoid? Or is she expected to act like she doesn't know?

She may push her friend away but she can say once he's finished messing everyone's life up and left you I'll be there to hand hold.

Or

If he leaves his wife, deals with the fallout properly and ensures his wife and children are looked after then we will talk again.

At the end of the day OP doesn't have to let her morals drop because of her friends poor behaviour.

[Whatshallidonowpeople]

It's not your business, and he won't leave his wife.

[steff13]

You don't have to associate with anyone you don't want to. Do they go out on dates and stuff? I'd be surprised if he'd actually want to come to your birthday. It's unlikely he'd ever leave his wife, and if he did, how could your friend ever trust him? I hope she doesn't waste her life waiting for him.

[outofmydepth45]

Your friend is not the victim here, maybe phrase it to her that if it was true love she should wait until he's available which he never will be.

Maybe she will enjoy the fall out she sounds like a drama lama. Having your parents die doesn't give anyone the right to damage a family.

The husband is a count too i judge them other and couldn't associate with either

[shakingmyhead1]

hes not leaving his wife.... hes just having his cake and eating it too

[Jobjobjob]

He isn't free. He isn't in a position to get involved in a social circle as a 'partner'. I would say no way, bring him when you can be open about your relationship (and, btw, that will probably never happen).


^^
What I was trying to say but this is way better.

[steff13]

Having your parents die doesn't give anyone the right to damage a family.

Yeah, I was 21 when my dad died and 24 when my mom died and I have yet to have an affair with a married man.

[Jobjobjob]

It's not your business, and he won't leave his wife.

Statement of fact but doesn't answer the AUBU question!