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My DP said he wouldn’t have another baby with me if I was to formula feed.

(372 Posts)
Missy450 Tue 28-Nov-17 08:02:16

We were talking about having a second child last night and I casually said I think I would formula feed (I have ebf my first).
He replied he wouldn’t want another one if I was going to formula feed. This then turned into a big argument which when we got to the bottom of it, what he really meant was he wouldn’t want another baby if even before I’ve got pregnant, I had decided to formula feed I.e. not wanting the best for our baby without even trying.

I would like to bf again and I would try to, but I can see it being so much harder when you’ve got a toddler as well.

He would be supportive if I gave it a go but had a good reason to stop. He’s a nutritionist and has studied in detail how good breastmilk is so I guess it’s important to him.

But, he’s basically saying, the babies life isn’t worth as much if he/she is formula fed, right?? AIBU?

LRL2017 Tue 28-Nov-17 08:05:47

I think he is being a bit unfair. My husband wanted me to me to breast feed if I could but I know he wouldn't have got mad if he couldn't / wouldn't . I agree with what you are saying. This is my first baby and it is hard going and can't imagine doing it with a toddler too! But like you would give it a good go.

Alittlepotofrosie Tue 28-Nov-17 08:05:49

He sounds like a stupid twat. I wouldn't want a baby with someone who is as much of a twat as him.

Believeitornot Tue 28-Nov-17 08:05:57

I know people will say your body your choice, but your dh does have a point. Why don’t you try? It would be better from that position, rather than immediately ruling it out.

There are always things which are hard as a parent. Does that mean we should always take the easy rather than best option?

Anyway you have said you’ll try, so why did you even argue? How did you actually present this to him...

And it’s not harder BF with a toddler - you still have to feed the baby! I found BF with a toddler easy especially when out and about. Just had a little bag of tricks to keep toddler occupied and toddler was at preschool anyway for some of the time, which helped.

Hauntedlobster Tue 28-Nov-17 08:06:32

I was with you till your final line. It’s nothing to do with the worth of the child’s life.

PotteringAlong Tue 28-Nov-17 08:07:16

No, he's not saying that at all.

In his opinion (and in fact), breast milk is optimal. He's saying if you have a child you commit to doing the very best for that child and you don't set out to be fine, but not great. You breastfed your first because it was the best thing to do. If you cannot do that for your second then use formula, fine. But he doesn't want you to automatically decide your second child has second best compared to your first. He wants them both to be treated equally.

PotteringAlong Tue 28-Nov-17 08:08:36

And yes, I agree with everyone else. Breastfeeding doesn't get harder with more children. It's not like if you formula feed you don't need to take the time to feed the baby!

echt Tue 28-Nov-17 08:09:10

Maybe he should pay for wet-nurse if he's so committed.

Twat.

RefuseTheLies Tue 28-Nov-17 08:09:25

What you said was pretty goady. His response was ridiculous.

YA both BU

Backingvocals Tue 28-Nov-17 08:12:12

Horrified at this and the responses. Of course bf is good if and if and if. But it’s your body. It’s your physical breasts. It’s your energy you are giving over. It’s your sleepless nights and mastitis. Your choice. He gets to nod and agree.

AnnabellaH Tue 28-Nov-17 08:12:32

"He’s a nutritionist" not a paediatric dietician then, no?

Tell him he's a tit and to piss off. Your tits your choice. I am 100% that any bloke has no effing say in this AT ALL.

Because they're not the ones with cracked bleeding nips and sobbing in to their phone screen at 4am, because the baby is cluster feeding and you haven't slept in 21 days.

Yes BM is great, yes, it's full of magical pixie dust and yes I also BF my son for the first 4 months (until he sprouted his 2nd tooth - he's now got 4 at just 6m old) but there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with formula from birth. Most babies thrive on it.

Tinselistacky Tue 28-Nov-17 08:12:36

I actually found efb easier with second and it's a chance to sit and bond with both dc imo . Making bottles is crappy!!

SuperBeagle Tue 28-Nov-17 08:12:59

No chance I'd have a second child with a man with that sort of attitude.

He thinks he can unilaterally decide whether or not to have another child, based on something which he has never personally experienced, which does not affect him even remotely, and which affects you and your body? Not a fucking chance.

Missy450 Tue 28-Nov-17 08:13:17

It turned into an argument (more like heated debate) because I was shocked he said he wouldn’t have a baby if he/she was formula fed.

I mean on the sleep front, it must be harder to breastfeed with a toddler too.

Moo678 Tue 28-Nov-17 08:13:21

Breastfeeding 2nd time round is quick, easy, cheap and convenient and leaves one hand free to colour, do stickers or cuddle the toddler. I was so preoccupied with my toddler that no. 2 was constantly ignored until she demanded food at which point she would have gone ballistic if I’d started faffing around with bottles. So I think your reasons for not BF are misguided. However, I think your husband sounds horribly controlling and I wouldn’t want to have a baby with a man like that.

Prusik Tue 28-Nov-17 08:14:03

This thread makes me really sad. I couldn't bf ds1 as he was just too poorly as a newborn. I'm pregnant and am already being told by family members that I won't be able to manage to bf and manage ds at the same time sad

ImListening Tue 28-Nov-17 08:15:41

1. Tell him to go to fuck & then some.
2. You get my first LTB.

How dare he dictate to you what to do with your body.

Believeitornot Tue 28-Nov-17 08:16:02

@Prusik

Well I would ignore your family unless they’re experienced in such matters. I would also arm yourself with information from reputable sources. A lot of information on BF is trotted out and many people give up as a result.

I found it hard second time around - but not because I had a toddler, but because my dd had tongue tie. But it was still easier than having to worry about bottles.

wowbutter Tue 28-Nov-17 08:16:07

I think I would have laughed in his face.
First time round I was determined, even at the detriment of my health to breastfeed. I was put on medication that could pass to the baby after a few weeks, and had to stop. Managed to sleep. And actually got better. The baby was then exclusively formula fed.
This time round, my plan is to try and feed some colostrum, but plan to bottle feed.
But actually, either way, it is nobodies business. My DH can have an opinion, but it is not a deciding factor. He wants what is bets for me, s should yours with you.
Formula is fine, and if you don't want to breastfeed, you shouldn't have to.
I am a bit shocked at some of the posters agreeing with him. Not wanting to is enough reason.

LouHotel Tue 28-Nov-17 08:17:20

Truth be told i found it easier second time round as you have a better expectation of the time involved. I also got very good at nursing baby with one hand and playing happyland with the other.

I think there's a lot to unravel here. He has absolutely no right to decide on how your body is used but he does have a say in your babies nutrition - i dont think he's unreasonable to bring this up before youve concieve, he would be very unreasonable if he dod after you were pregnant.

If it was the case that you didnt enjoy breastfeeding your first then fair enough.your decision not to breastfeed your second is based on your reality. However to decide to feed your child different (and not the most optimal) choice based on a feeling it would be difficult is a tiny bit unreasonable.

Shiftymake Tue 28-Nov-17 08:17:41

I will be very honest here. Those that seem to go for the "easy" route and bottle feed seem for more stressed then those that breast feed. So much hassle and work getting bottles ready at all hours of the day versus flipping a breast out for the hungry dear if you see what I mean. Guess your dh has already given you the full detail on why bf is better already. Just saying that bottle isn't necessarily easier from the looks of it....

MimiSunshine Tue 28-Nov-17 08:17:48

I only have one toddler but I can’t see how BFing a baby is harder when you have an older child. You can’t ask the older one to give the baby a bottle and you can’t leave the baby with a bottle.

And surely the time you need to take to make the bottle takes time away from the toddler too? I can’t imagine having a crying baby and tantruming toddler would be easy when trying to prep a bottle especially when it’s just you and the children on maternity leave.

I can see why he is upset at the idea of another baby getting good enough when your first born got best, but if what you’re actually thinking is that you’d like to combination feed so that when he’s there he can take over some feeding duties while you tend to the eldest then why not just explain that to him?

MyOtherProfile Tue 28-Nov-17 08:18:53

I can't understand why you would plan to ff. Seriously with a toddler it is easier to by than ff a second. You don't have to prepare anything and it's all on tap, so to speak. If you try and it doesn't work out that's a whole different matter. I had to stop bf my second after a couple of months but I wanted to try. It sounds from what you've written like you don't even want to try so I imagine that's what your dp is worried about. Tbh it sounds like you're both getting worked up for the sake of it.

Shiftymake Tue 28-Nov-17 08:19:33

Far** more stressed* hate autocorrect!

ReanimatedSGB Tue 28-Nov-17 08:20:34

He's being a dick. Men have no say in how babies are fed, because it isn't their business. It's your body and your choice. He sounds like the sort of fucker who will stop the hospital staff giving you painkillers in labour because 'natural birth is best for the baby, we agreed'...

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