To not take DD on holiday

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

[VioletCharlotte]

Oh my goodness, not sure what I'd do, but what a horrible situation you're in

[missiondecision]

Yes. Ywbu to leave her.
I have some experience of this and I personally could not leave her. Not because I wanted to “reward” her self harming, which is what it is, but because I couldn’t with a clear conscience leave her to fend for her self when she is clearly vulnerable.
I could enjoy myself.
It also in a warped way says she is not good enough. She is ill, from what you decribe.
Eating disorder, therapy, weight loss, it’s an illness. Don’t leave her.

[missiondecision]

Could not , could not enjoy myself

[Love51]

I'm not an eating disorder expert. I will say, stick to your word. I'm not sure if you quantified the weight, if it is possible in what you said to allow her to go if she gains the kg back, but you laid a boundary so you must stick to it to help her to feel safe. Her behaviour is addictive so she has little control. But if her therapist was in agreement presumably you said the right thing. I hope your daughter gets better soon.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

She wouldn't be left alone!

So you would cancel a holiday for your other child? Thereby saying she wasn't as important? Because that is also something I have to consider. Two and a half years of the most dreadful home life is not a great childhood, she doesn't even want her sister to go with us.

[BarbarianMum]

If she won't be left alone then frankly I think you should take her little sister and spend some quality time with her. God knows you will both benefit from a bit of respite.

[missiondecision]

Would you still go if she had another illness??
Poor Mental health is an illness .

[Pandoraphile]

I wouldn't take her. You have been clear and firm and she's taken no notice. It will be a shock for her that could be a good one.

[missiondecision]

Sounds like you have already Made up your mind.

[Redglitter]

So long as she's not being left alone while you're away I'd go. Sounds like you and your daughter could do with the respite

[RedHelenB]

If anorexic daughter has someone to look after her then yes stick to your word and take your other dd. The last thing you want is for her to try to get your attention by copying her sister

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

She's a child with an illness. If it was any other illness would you take her? The answer is likely yes.

She shouldn't be excluded for being ill.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

you can't compare this to a physical illness, sorry. We are talking about a child who tried to slice one of my fingers off a few months ago and physically attacks her little sister.

[Changerofname987654321]

You want to exclude your child from a family event because she has a mental health problem?

[pinkiepie1]

From someone who has a little sister who says her childhood was ruined by my issues. I would take your youngest. If you have someone to look after your oldest.

Don't let her feel 2nd best if you can help it.

It's hard so im sending lots of hugs xx

[SD1978]

If her therapist agrees this is the best way to go forward, I’d go. Would you consider taking her if there was no weight loss this week? If she is going to be safe and with someone who understands her condition whilst you go, I’d still go. Eating disorders don’t only affect the person who has one, the whole family is affected- your younger child has lived with this too, it seems unfair that she misses out too if she doesn’t have to.

[caramelonion]

Hmm given the self destructive, self-punishing nature of EDs i dont think that will help her. Not letting her come would be letting the illness ruin the holiday. She isn't being bloody-minded, she's unwell.
to you all

[Caulk]

I had anorexia.

I think at that stage I would have needed to be left so I could see o couldn’t control everything. A similar thing happened that led me to realise it and it made a big difference to me.

[PenelopeStoppit]

Her therapist said not to take her if she lost weight so I would stick to that. They are the expert. I am guessing your daughter is planning to not eat while you are away so will lose more weight; if this means she would reach a life threatening weight then you would be unreasonable to take her.

Can she be in care for the week if you go away with your younger daughter as I agree she shouldn't have to miss out? If not could a grandparent or other relative take her away so you can stay to look after your older daughter? Sorry your are all in this upsetting situation.

[Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown]

I suspect if the Ops daughter did have an another illness people may be saying go and have a respite break.

I think carers of people with mental health problems at every often forgotten about. And held responsible for the patients current state.

If someone with a non mental health illness had a flare up people wouldn't say it's the carers fault. But when it's mental health, so many other people can unfairly be blamed for it. That itself isn't understanding mental health.

[Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown]

*are very often

[DPotter]

Take your younger daughter on holiday. she needs you to support her. It's very sad your other daughter is ill with anorexia, but when you're ill you can't necessarily go on holiday and she needs to understand that family life doesn't stop

[JigglyTuff]

I would take your younger DD. You and her therapist have drawn a line in the sand. Anorexia is the most pernicious horrible illness. Until you've lived with it (and I don't mean as a sufferer, I mean as a family member) you have no idea how fucking awful it is.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I have literally given up my life for two years. Gone from appointment to appointment as indeed all parents with ill children do. I know she isn't doing this deliberately, I'm aware she's ill, but this isn't just her life she's wrecking. I have a ten year old DD who counts down the days to her holiday every day and has her case packed. She has gone without so much fun and never complains at the long journeys in the car to her sisters school or appointments. Or how she can't have friends over when her sister is ill. Or how mean she is to her (verbally and physically). I feel sad that she misses out again.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

It will break my heart not to take her. I have battled this with her for so long but it makes no difference at all. She doesn't want to get better (she admits that). But it was her dream holiday too.