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More of a WWYD really....wedding

(193 Posts)
QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:03:22

I found out 2 years ago that my longterm partner had embarked upon an emotional affair, crossing several lines. My BPD was at that point undiagnosed and things were very very hard between us, with counselling we have tried to move forward. Good days and bad days - he did a foolish thing and the sense of betrayal may never go away but I am committed to moving on if we can. We are happy much of the time and I love him still.

The OW was a very close friend of myself, DP and my extended family. Think godparents to each other children, holidays together etc. My sister has stayed friends with her - her statement being that the OW was like her other sister for years (true) and in forgiving my DP for his actions, she forgives her too. I am not willing to do that nor do I think that the OW is especially sorry but (even though it hurt) I never reproached my sister, how could I? My decisions are mine and hers are hers. She felt as betrayed as I did I think

Now for the WWYD - my sister wants me to be her bridesmaid and the OW will be at the wedding. I suspect that I will have to be on the Hen Do with her and I know for a fact that the OWs son will be a page boy. My sisters wedding is not about me nor do I want it to be but to sit in the same room as her and my DP might be too much to bear.

Advice please?

Foxysoxy01 Mon 25-Sep-17 15:10:00

Wow that's a hard one!

I really think you need to support your sister and be her Bridesmaid.
I think you're going to have to suck it up for the Wedding and the hen do etc. That doesn't mean you have to talk to her at all!
If it was me I wouldn't be rude but would literally act like she wasn't even there unless she spoke directly to me then I would answer with as fewer words as possible, strain a smile and not engage further.

I would also prepare yourself that it might be a backwards step with your relationship with your partner for a while.

Fishface77 Mon 25-Sep-17 15:12:05

She might be "like a sister" but you are actually her sister.
Your DSis is a bit of a bitch really.

MissEliza Mon 25-Sep-17 15:13:04

I've never had to deal with infidelity so I don't know how it truly feels but I think I'd be much angrier with my dh than the OW. I also think if you've forgiven him and moved forward, you should do the same with her.

elQuintoConyo Mon 25-Sep-17 15:14:19

Be the bridesmaid. But tell her upfront you won't be going to any hen do, at home or abroad.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Mon 25-Sep-17 15:15:00

I would be wary of going to the hen do - alcohol and bad feeling are a bad combo. Plaster on a smile for the wedding and sit elsewhere during the meal /night time do. .

QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:15:34

Thanks foxy, I think you are probably right. I can't even think of a way of bringing this up with my sister without casting a pall over her special day.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Mon 25-Sep-17 15:16:34

Hmmm tricky.
In a way your sister has been/is being insensitive. Regardless of the friendship she should have put family first imo.
The ball is in your court - how long is the hen do? Is it one night or a four day break? Obviously one night is easier to get through.
Maybe it's a chance to show OW how well you are doing, subtly of course wink

QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:18:33

That is one of the worries, I give it some gob when I have been drinking! I take your point fishface and I have swung between being angry at my sister and thinking is what she is doing really that different from me and DP?

misseliza the OW has never asked for my forgiveness or even apologized which is not true of DP.

QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:21:42

Thanks userthenlotsofnumbers, it IS tricky. The hen do is one night and as I am MOH, up to me to arrange ! She is pretty shameless so not sure that she will care how I am doing!

I know that people are often 'its not the OW fault alone' and it is not, they both betrayed me but by Christ I would NEVER have done this to my friend. I seem to expect more from my friends than DP which is not explainable but there you go

littlehandcuffs Mon 25-Sep-17 15:22:46

I could never do this to my sister or put her in this position, I feel really sorry for you. She should have some thought for your feelings, your marriage must still be fragile. flowers

QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:27:11

littlehandcuffs - the consequence of my sister choosing this approach has been that our relationship has suffered badly. We were best friends before and now there is a barrier that will never fully come down. If you had asked me before this, I would have said that she would never in a million years forgive someone who hurt me like this. That said, I expect her to forgive and be civil to DP - so who am I to demand that really!

Anatidae Mon 25-Sep-17 15:28:39

Go to the wedding, it's big enough to avoid her
Don't go to the hen.

guilty100 Mon 25-Sep-17 15:29:36

Your sister is being massively unreasonable, and a totally unsupportive cow! You've been more than understanding about the continuing relationship between her and the OW, but this absolutely takes the biscuit. Tell her where to get off!

TitaniasCloset Mon 25-Sep-17 15:30:45

Your sister is completely and utterly wrong. Her loyalty should be with you and it's your feelings that should be protected her as the wronged party anyway. I cannot understand how your dsis is just expecting you to get over this. Yes she may have 'forgiven ' but it wasn't her that was cheated on. I'm sorry I would just tell her no, then tell everyone else why you won't be going. I think this situation is appalling and you are still being treated very badly. As for the OW, fuck that bitch, if she had any decency or compassion at all she would have declined the invite. I don't think she is one bit sorry.

I would never treat my sister like this, nor her me.

Excited101 Mon 25-Sep-17 15:31:58

Your sister is being an absolute cow to put you in this position.

LemonBreeland Mon 25-Sep-17 15:33:07

Your sister is being horribly unfair to you. I would not go to, nor arrange the hen. I'm not sure I could be bridesmaid either. If your sister cared she would not put you in this position.

TitaniasCloset Mon 25-Sep-17 15:34:05

Oh and my sister and I aren't even close, last time I saw her face to face was about two years ago. We do text though.

QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:34:52

Thanks guilty100, it is tempting sometimes! But at the heart of all this is love - I love my sister dearly and would not want her to be hurt, not even if I feel like I am justified. I love my DP and our family. Worst of all, i loved the OW and believed that we were good friends, almost family...would this be better for me or DP if I told my sister off? Nope, it would just be passing my pain down the line and I wouldn't wish it on anyone to be honest.

I might spit in her food though.

QueenofallIsee Mon 25-Sep-17 15:36:15

Our Mum is horrified as it goes, and is by no means sure if she can sit there and see her face.

krustykittens Mon 25-Sep-17 15:38:24

Your sister is behaving appallingly. You are asking her for her support in asking her to be civil to your H so that your fragile marriage isn't taking any unnecessary knocks. She wants her relationship with a good friend (a good friend that messed about with her BIL and hurt her sister) to go on as if nothing every happened and for you to swallow your hurt and humiliation to make her life as convenient as possible. This is NOT the same thing.

If you are MOH then just don't invite OW to hen do.
I think as you have forgiven DP then really you need to maybe try and put your anger/upset aside for your sister wedding day. Your DP actually did worse as he is then one in a relationship with you (I know this is all easier said than done though)

Nuttynoo Mon 25-Sep-17 15:39:52

Your sister is being a bitch to you. Nothing wrong in making her see it. She deserves having her wedding ruined tbh - who does this kind of shit to their own sister? Maybe on the hen do you can loudly proclaim that she should keep her soon to he husband away from the slag?

TitaniasCloset Mon 25-Sep-17 15:39:56

If your sister wants to remain friends with OW she should first apologise to you and explain that. But no fucking way should that woman be at a big family event like this.

Yes love is wonderful, great, but you need to fight back OP. Maybe this is why she -ow -thought she could get away with it in the first place?

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 25-Sep-17 15:41:42

I feel for you. As someone's sister I couldn't imagine having a close relationship with a person that almost ruined my sibling's marriage. Oh, I know the old MN mantra 'it wasn't her marriage, it was him that was in a committed relationship', but bollocks to that. She was fully complicit and it says a lot about a person who's willing to get wrongly involved in someone's marriage.

I would be a bridesmaid for your sister. However, you're perfectly entitled to just do what is 'necessary' (dress shopping, help organise, wear the awful dress). You do not have any obligation to go on any hen do or party the wedding night away with this woman there. Quite frankly, your sister should understand that. Perhaps she could put herself in your shoes for a minute and see if she'd be happy in that situation if her soon to be husband did something similar.

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