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EA fathers messages to 7 year old DD

(80 Posts)
Iamneverfull Wed 20-Sep-17 18:08:14

Come on aibu for more traffic..
I left my EA ex partner when my d's was 18 months, i had been very brainwashed and everyone around me seemed to think that my ex was an amazing father, he does love her very much but its almost in a way thats over emotional? She is 7 now, loves her dad very much but there's a lot that worries me.
He sleeps in the same bed as her ROW when she stays
He cries, she cries when she comes home, tells her to be 'brave' holds his face in turmoil and tells her he is lonely.
Sends bombardments of messages, gifs of crying girls holding out their hands, threatens to take away days out, holidays, him visiting if she doesn't respond in time. (Latest is a holiday he is threatening to cancel)
If we go on holiday she is reminded by him that he would love a holiday but he works too hard.
So my problem is that he has an excellent way of fooling everyone around him, if i deal with this (which I don't know how to) he gets very scary. He slams every part of my mothering skills (which I now know are absolutely fine!).
I cant cut contact can I? I would worry that my d's would be traumatised as she loves him so much (which a horrible feeling in my stomach suspects it's done in a grooming/over emotional way)
But I am so worried for her mental health, she worries about him all the time and she shouldn't have to worry about an adult!! She won't wear certain things and hides her likes and hobbies because she's afraid he will deem them chavvy (he used to say this to me too, he thinks he is of very high class)
Any advice to what on earth I do? Another thing is that he terrifies me, he terrifies my family too and bombarded us with hate messages ECT. I'm scared he will turn it all around and go for custody or something? I called an abuse helpline about a year ago who helped me with how to communicate with him when he is being abusive (I stupidly invited him to help out with dd's party but he said i was more interested in helping all the other children than my own..i was looking after 17 children on a Santa tram..so he threatened to go for custody??) Anyway, any help would be great, thank you
Examples of messages since shes home from school..
You are hurting daddys feelings very much (three crying faces)
Don't you want us to have a nice little holiday?
I want to see your face and speak to You
Why are you ignoring daddy?
I've forgotten your face...amongst 20 others straight after school.

Poshtottykins Wed 20-Sep-17 18:11:45

Keep the messages - change her number or stop how ever he is contacting her and limit contact - log everything

FenceSitter01 Wed 20-Sep-17 18:12:53

Can I ask how she is receiving all these messages if she is 7?

Take the phone away, disable any social media. She shouldn't be accessing it.

sprockercrazy Wed 20-Sep-17 18:15:20

Take her phone away from her but keep all of his messages and contact a solicitor ASAP..

Butterymuffin Wed 20-Sep-17 18:18:47

Yes, you should control messages, she shouldn't just be reading all this stuff. Stop that even if it's a phone he has given her.

Have you been to mediation or court about contact and residency?

Domino20 Wed 20-Sep-17 18:21:25

It won't only be people on MN that realise those messages, both in content and number, are totally inappropriate. Take the means of contact away. Awful awful man. You need legal representation.

Walkingdead11 Wed 20-Sep-17 18:21:41

He is emotionally abusing your dd. Get some legal advice. Personally i would stop contact and let him take you to court. He won't stop unless he is made to stop. Deffo no phone. What a freak!

TrustingTrudie Wed 20-Sep-17 18:22:13

Why on earth does a 7 year old have a mobile phone?

HopefullyAnonymous Wed 20-Sep-17 18:22:44

How is he contacting her? Presumably he sending them to your phone as she's only 7 - just stop showing her!

PovertyJetset Wed 20-Sep-17 18:24:32

How is she getting these mesages??

What is ROW??

He's a bastard. Go and see a shot hot family solicitor and cut contact

AdalindSchade Wed 20-Sep-17 18:25:01

Take away her phone. Tell him there will be no contact other than phone calls on X days.
If he starts being a twat in a way that negatively impacts your dd then stop contact. He will have to take you to court. You need to keep the phone as evidence of his emotional abuse.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 20-Sep-17 18:25:25

This is massively, hugely, utterly fucked up.

Remove the phone. Speak to Women's Aid, her school and social services. Involve the police re the threats.

You need to do all this. She's 7,she can't.

ChevalierTialys Wed 20-Sep-17 18:26:42

This is madness. He is emotionally abusing her and it's absolutely unacceptable. Have you been to mediation with him at all? The messages have to stop. Take her phone away or change her number. Tell him until the emotional blackmail stops he will be unable to contact her while she is with you.

ZeroFuchsGiven Wed 20-Sep-17 18:30:25

She is 7, she does not need a phone!

Get rid of the phone and speak to a solicitor about a child arrangement order.

Crowdie Wed 20-Sep-17 18:31:39

Squirmyhedgehog - involve the Police? Why?

OP - get legal advice pronto. From a specialist family lawyer.

Iamneverfull Wed 20-Sep-17 18:36:42

So she has a phone especially to contact him, i have already taken it away. He used to message my phone to speak to her but the messages were fine then..just not to me. So from the replies my first step is the school and social services?
Do I tell him? And any ideas how to word it?
The stopping contact worries me, firstly am i allowed and secondly my dd would miss him terribly/although it's doing her damage

Sparklemummyx0x0x Wed 20-Sep-17 18:39:58

Why has your 7yr old daughter got a mobile phone? Why does she need one? If you're happy for her to access a phone then why aren't you withholding these texts or blocking them from her?
Surely she doesn't have it at school so you can hide them before she sees it.
Do not delete these messages. They are evidence and proof of his bombardment of emotional threats.
You need help and support, he's transferring the abuse from you onto her. Please speak to someone.

BeccaAnn Wed 20-Sep-17 18:41:51

call 101 now, it is not acceptable to put that sort of emotional abuse on anyone let alone your 7 year old daughter. call the school in the morning and ask for a meeting with her teacher and the head and tell them what is happening. keep all the messages and seek legal advice ASAP check if you can get a prohibitive steps order against him (they're pretty quick) and ask the solicitor if it would cause issues if you prevented him from seeing her at weekend until its is resolved, knowing they sleep in the same bed is not an appropriate thing and she should have her own room and space at his.
Take the phone away but don't tell him you have it.

I think you should probably get him to do supervised visits and get the contact agreement changed to reflect his actions. ensure the school don't let him pick her up either.

Sparklemummyx0x0x Wed 20-Sep-17 18:43:40

Sorry cross posts.
Ok so the phone makes sense, glad you've taken it away.
Please don't let her see these texts from him.
Yes speak to school to inform them of the situation in case it affects her learning or get advice from a women's aid phone line or similar. I've not had experience in this but I'm sure someone will come along to advise.

PovertyJetset Wed 20-Sep-17 18:46:18

I don't know if this is right but I would message and say.

We are not using phones/screens between 3.30pm and 7pm. If you would like to call Dd to say goodnight you can do so on my phone. The no more phone mesages until 8-9am, which you can call Dd on my phone.

I am enforcing this new rule as the volume and content of your messages has become unmanageable.

AdalindSchade Wed 20-Sep-17 18:48:12

DOnt call 101 hmm there has been no crime.

LakieLady Wed 20-Sep-17 18:48:12

Contact children's services and tell them you think your daughter is at risk of emotional abuse from her father. If you can screenshot the messages and email them, do that.

AdalindSchade Wed 20-Sep-17 18:48:54

There isn't much point contacting children's services. They will just advise you to seek legal advice.

lollipop7 Wed 20-Sep-17 18:49:35

Goodness me that's very worrying indeed. I don't want to sound like a drama queen but some of the emoting and lack of filters in his behaviour are seriously inappropriate. At best they are emotionally abusive and controlling at worst to me they speak of the potential for this to become something else way more sinister and physically harmful to her.

I would discuss your concerns immediately with children's services. At 7 she is just about old enough to be aware of what's not "right" about this and should be appropriately interviewed or spoken with.
Keep the messages and get a solicitor.

I wouldn't let him see her again to be honest. He sounds as he requires a mental health assessment for so many reasons.

Trust your instinct.

PollytheDoily Wed 20-Sep-17 18:51:08

Good grief.
Nothing to add on top of other PPs but this is very worrying.

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