EA fathers messages to 7 year old DD

[Iamneverfull]

Come on aibu for more traffic..
I left my EA ex partner when my d's was 18 months, i had been very brainwashed and everyone around me seemed to think that my ex was an amazing father, he does love her very much but its almost in a way thats over emotional? She is 7 now, loves her dad very much but there's a lot that worries me.
He sleeps in the same bed as her ROW when she stays
He cries, she cries when she comes home, tells her to be 'brave' holds his face in turmoil and tells her he is lonely.
Sends bombardments of messages, gifs of crying girls holding out their hands, threatens to take away days out, holidays, him visiting if she doesn't respond in time. (Latest is a holiday he is threatening to cancel)
If we go on holiday she is reminded by him that he would love a holiday but he works too hard.
So my problem is that he has an excellent way of fooling everyone around him, if i deal with this (which I don't know how to) he gets very scary. He slams every part of my mothering skills (which I now know are absolutely fine!).
I cant cut contact can I? I would worry that my d's would be traumatised as she loves him so much (which a horrible feeling in my stomach suspects it's done in a grooming/over emotional way)
But I am so worried for her mental health, she worries about him all the time and she shouldn't have to worry about an adult!! She won't wear certain things and hides her likes and hobbies because she's afraid he will deem them chavvy (he used to say this to me too, he thinks he is of very high class)
Any advice to what on earth I do? Another thing is that he terrifies me, he terrifies my family too and bombarded us with hate messages ECT. I'm scared he will turn it all around and go for custody or something? I called an abuse helpline about a year ago who helped me with how to communicate with him when he is being abusive (I stupidly invited him to help out with dd's party but he said i was more interested in helping all the other children than my own..i was looking after 17 children on a Santa tram..so he threatened to go for custody??) Anyway, any help would be great, thank you
Examples of messages since shes home from school..
You are hurting daddys feelings very much (three crying faces)
Don't you want us to have a nice little holiday?
I want to see your face and speak to You
Why are you ignoring daddy?
I've forgotten your face...amongst 20 others straight after school.

I'm sure I'll be accused of overreacting here but I was abused by my father and I would be very wary indeed of him sharing a bed with her. It's not appropriate at all, especially with his other worrying behaviours. I'm not saying he's abusing her but I would make sure you reiterate to your daughter about inappropriate touching, not keeping secrets from you when asked. Mine got away with it for a long time as he manipulated me so well.

Exactly Tammy, tell her about this, and about not keeping secrets. To tell you if he does anything, and that you will always be there for her. Contact NSPCC for information on how to broach this.

I suggest cutting contact and informing SS. I have recently read a book by Cathy Glass called Daddy's Little Princess and it is very similar to you're situation, it happens often and there is places you can get help and advice on how to move forward. First port of call would be SS and hopefully if you believe your DD and ex are able to carry on relationship try suggesting he gets the help he needs to realise what he is doing isn't good for your daughter! Hope you get everything sorted!

Vv similar to my situation with exH, which also came to a head when she was 7. She was also sleeping in her dad's bed, which I didn't know it at the time. When I ended up going to court, Social Services were involved and took this point very seriously and recommended to the court to stop overnight contact until this was sorted out.

Dd's school was really helpful as they could see the emotional impact on her. They raised concerns independently to social services. The judge took it seriously because it came from an independent source.

I tolerated this for a long time, but it got to the point where dd was constantly anxious and it was really impacting on her day-to-day life. I went to court. It took a long time, but they did take concerns about emotional abuse seriously - as I said above, the big thing being evidence from the school rather than from me.

We initially had supervised contact (supervised by friends of exH's - very nice people, even though they'd completely fallen for his devoted daddy act) as an interim arrangement and we're now back to unsupervised contact. The advantages are (a) it's less contact than before and (b) exH knows he has to rein it in a bit.

My dd still has a phone from her dad. It's mysteriously always out of charge. Nothing to do with me - I think it's her subconscious way of limiting his calls.

I didn't realise how much it was affecting her until later on, when I started hearing her sing around the house again, and people kept saying she was like a different child, suddenly not weighed down by the worries of the world.

My overall recommendation would be to get allies on board, particularly the school. DD had access to ELSA (emotional literacy support through a TA) and that helped a lot.