EA fathers messages to 7 year old DD

[Iamneverfull]

Come on aibu for more traffic..
I left my EA ex partner when my d's was 18 months, i had been very brainwashed and everyone around me seemed to think that my ex was an amazing father, he does love her very much but its almost in a way thats over emotional? She is 7 now, loves her dad very much but there's a lot that worries me.
He sleeps in the same bed as her ROW when she stays
He cries, she cries when she comes home, tells her to be 'brave' holds his face in turmoil and tells her he is lonely.
Sends bombardments of messages, gifs of crying girls holding out their hands, threatens to take away days out, holidays, him visiting if she doesn't respond in time. (Latest is a holiday he is threatening to cancel)
If we go on holiday she is reminded by him that he would love a holiday but he works too hard.
So my problem is that he has an excellent way of fooling everyone around him, if i deal with this (which I don't know how to) he gets very scary. He slams every part of my mothering skills (which I now know are absolutely fine!).
I cant cut contact can I? I would worry that my d's would be traumatised as she loves him so much (which a horrible feeling in my stomach suspects it's done in a grooming/over emotional way)
But I am so worried for her mental health, she worries about him all the time and she shouldn't have to worry about an adult!! She won't wear certain things and hides her likes and hobbies because she's afraid he will deem them chavvy (he used to say this to me too, he thinks he is of very high class)
Any advice to what on earth I do? Another thing is that he terrifies me, he terrifies my family too and bombarded us with hate messages ECT. I'm scared he will turn it all around and go for custody or something? I called an abuse helpline about a year ago who helped me with how to communicate with him when he is being abusive (I stupidly invited him to help out with dd's party but he said i was more interested in helping all the other children than my own..i was looking after 17 children on a Santa tram..so he threatened to go for custody??) Anyway, any help would be great, thank you
Examples of messages since shes home from school..
You are hurting daddys feelings very much (three crying faces)
Don't you want us to have a nice little holiday?
I want to see your face and speak to You
Why are you ignoring daddy?
I've forgotten your face...amongst 20 others straight after school.

Your poor daughter, the damage that man is doing. His need to abuse is greater than his need to parent his daughter appropriately. She needs protecting.

Does he have any sort of alcohol issue.

You left this emotionally abusive turd when your daughter was young, so you wouldnt have to suffer his manipulative behaviour. Yet your poor daughter is now bearing the brunt of it- it is not normal, your daughter is not free to live her own life for fear of upsetting the monster and he still threatens you with taking her away... cut contact, until supervised contact can be arranged. No child should have to live with that. The NSPCC is very helpful when it comes to advice on EA, i hope you can both realise your life's are your own and they dont have to be lived under his controling shaddow- good luck

He sounds absolutely awful!

I know school can't do a lot with regards to parental rights if he's on the birth certificate but it's definitely worth talking to them as she may disclose something that ephld ordinarily be brushed aside but in the right context can be used as evidence of the EA.
Some schools have counsellors but other than that your dds teacher may be able to have a chat with her about how it's not ok for an adult to make her feel like that (she may listen to the teacher/school staff more iespecialy if ex dh has conditioned her that you're in the wrong)

Pinksnow- so i breastfed her and she was a terrible sleeper so she slept next to me until I finished breastfeeding but she used to cry herself to sleep so he would sleep with her (was not helpful) and has never stopped. I've told him it's not appropriate or helpful but he sees it as their time and it's his child etc.
He hasn't got alcohol issues, his mum died from being an alcoholic when he was 17. He had a very horrible upbringing. He never sought any therapy etc.

He sounds narcissistic, he's using your dd as a therapeutic tool for his own issues which is completely selfish and damaging to your dd. Maybe get some help for your dd too.

Dd thinks he is her best friend, cannot wait to see him every week and i genuinely think they have a nice time. He enjoys spending time with her equally, they go on lovely days out. But then i dont know what's being said, all I know is that she hides her hair bows as she doesn't want him to think she wears chavvy clothes. And then i think he tells her he is lonely etc. Then I get messages after ive peeled her off him asking if shes ok, is everything ok, I'm worried etc! He thinks she has an awful life and that I'm cold because i dont cry when i say goodbye to her etc.

Walkingdead I did think about therapy for her?

It's obvious she is scared of upsetting him, he's already making her feel like she can't wear something as innocent as a hair bow because it could be considered "chavvy". If she stays at his house she needs to have her own bed to sleep in, even if she chooses not to sleep in it. I've been in similar circumstances to you... the school won't be able to stop him from taking her if he has PR and nothing else official is in place but they can notify you if he turns up to collect her. He is definitely going to cause her some emotional issues later in life if this continues. Schools, police, social services will all tell you to go to court more than likely. My childrens father tried to take my daughters after normal contact, with no intention of returning them just because he decided to...the police did return them because he refused to let me see them, he was pissed and they had nowhere proper to sleep < that was reason enough for the police to get involved BUT the officer said that would be the only time and I would need to go to court for a contact order.

op

Hand holding! Sorry I had to go out but back now.

You have just given him a fright.

Talk to the school, call womens aid and get a good solicitor.

Your DD had a great mum, and you're 100% on the money here. He's awful and very damaging to your DD.

Do you have real life support?

Also when he speaks to DD on your phone have it on speaker phone and record it.
As soon as he crosses the line. I would be breezy, mute him, say something like "oh we have to dash to school now, bye!"

Speak to the SENCo and head at the school and they may be able to give your dd some one to one nurture time to give her space to explore her feelings.

How glad are you he is your ex!

She does have a bedroom at his but she still sleeps in his bed.
Do you think if i talk to him and point out that this is emotionally harming her (because i think he thinks it's normal) and ask him to get help/therapy/parenting course before he can see her unsupervised? Or is that a waste of time? But saying that he's totally unreasonable. It's not a very nice feeling to think I could be taking them away from each other, even though he is not being a good father. What are supervised visits? Would it be in a room with a social worker?

But it's not a lovely relationship. It's a relationship built on guilt and dependency and that's really messed up.

He's moulding her for a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships and she has no good role model in him.

Yes poverty you are right, i need you on my shoulder! I know all of this but then i get a pang of guilt because i know she is going to be heartbroken

Not as heartbroken as she'll be when she goes trough life picked bad partner and making bad decisions based on one of the most influential influences in her life.

Through picking. Sorry, phone hates me.

That scares me the most blahdy.

Op read the whole thread and feel your doing the best thing for your dd in the long run.
My cousin did this emotional guilt tripping to his dd when his partner split with him. It's like his dd became his parent and it was so damaging to her. He used very similar language with his texts.

His dd was initially very angry and upset with the mum for cutting contact with him but she is doing fine now. She was 5 when they split and 7 when contact stopped. She's 16 now and a strong emotionally secure teen, I dread to think what she would have been like if the mum hadn't intervened.

As soon as my cousin met his new partner his dd became a distant memory he would constantly let her down at visiting times, he is now emotionally bullying his partner.

your dd must feel so conflicted and guilty as he is making her feel that, she may resent you initially.

I'd speak to woman's aid as another poster suggested as well as the school, the school will put you in touch with a support provider who can help you and your dd deal with this.
Good luck

In a nutshell, my friends ex was abusive physically and emotionally to her, they have a 9 year old son, on contact he used to sexually abuse him. This was reported to the Police and professionals, yet nothing was done. Contact was court appointed, so she had to make him available for contact. After being sexually abusive to his son, his attention would turn EA. "When your mum dies, I will have a big party to celebrate" "hope your mum crashes her car and dies". As well as sharing a bedroom with his dad, and his girlfriend, and witnessing them having sex, whilst they thought he was asleep. He was 7/8 at the time.

There was nothing my friend could do, authorities did nothing to protect him, and court as adamant contact should always go ahead, if she refused, he could be taken away and put into his care. That would be worse. So what she does, he is 9 now, she is the 'protective parent', she makes his homelife as positive and happy as possible. Contact is EOW so its not a lot in his life. What you do, is do that, and control things from your end. No phone whatsoever, if he wants to contact your dd, he does it through your landline or phone. If he wants to send a message, the same, so you can vet it, and don't show her, if its inappropriate. You have to protect her as much as you can from your end.

There is nothing you can do whilst she is on contact. My friends son knows the measure of his father, when probably he is 10/11, once he starts senior school, will stop contact, by then hopefully in the eyes of the court he will be old enough to have his own say in contact.

poster Aeroflotgirl

That is so disgusting!! How can the courts ignore sexual abuse??? Was ss involved?

7 year olds are dreadful at losing things like phones OP...

I agree though that sending the text was a good idea, all you have to do now is enforce it.

He can't nobble her if he can't get to her.

She needs bringing up to (age appropriate) speed DAMNED fast.

FWIW, I'd refuse all holidays etc so he can't use them as weapons

You are right to be very concerned, this is awful, defiinitely emotionally abusive and possibly unlawful . I had the ex crying in front of the children and still power struggles over return times, but not as bad as this. She must be torn in half, poor love.
No great words of advice, except don't let him see it upsets you as it will be exploited by him. Take legal advice and possibly get a solicitors letter in place - these people do tend to follow the law as they hate being seen as low in the eyes of society...

Hissy, its just a phone that she was allowed in the house, it was in a reachable place for her if she wanted to message or call her dad after school. I've taken it away, funnily enough she didn't bat an eyelid. I just said it's not working very well and her dad will be calling her through my phone.
I have called women's aid, i left a message for a call back.
I've not heard back from him which is very unusual.
She told me that she couldn't wait to see him this morning, i dont even know what im going to say.
Aero thats horrendous, how has this been allowed. It scares me that this may happen and it will make everything worse.
Twillow she does feel torn in half, he wants her to 'pick him all the time. I think you are right, he would probably go very quiet if he got a solicitors letter.
Holidays will definitely be refused!

Walkingdead there's worse, but to put that up on here will take 2 pages. My friends case is not an isolated case, it happens all the time.

www.thetimesbrief.co.uk/users/39175-the-brief-team/posts/20338-keep-parents-away-from-children-at-risk-of-psychological-abuse-judges-told

My friends abusive partner was his abusive and nasty self in court, but the judge (who was sent away for gardening leave in the past, was wheeled back in), ignored the the High court recommendations that her son has no contact, and instead ordered unsupervised overnight, as the father told the judge that he does not want anything to do with his son, if he does not get unspervised. How crap is that!

I think I remember that situation, aero. BNC? Sad that the only option now is to wait for the DS to be able to refuse himself.

Yes sonicBoom that is the one. We still contact each other, and its is awful for her. She is too afraid of going back to court, it has really damaged her. So I told her to wait until he starts senior school, than he can refuse to go to contact. He will probably be making his own way there an back, so can leave dad waiting, whilst he goes home·