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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

EA fathers messages to 7 year old DD

79 replies

Iamneverfull · 20/09/2017 18:08

Come on aibu for more traffic..
I left my EA ex partner when my d's was 18 months, i had been very brainwashed and everyone around me seemed to think that my ex was an amazing father, he does love her very much but its almost in a way thats over emotional? She is 7 now, loves her dad very much but there's a lot that worries me.
He sleeps in the same bed as her ROW when she stays
He cries, she cries when she comes home, tells her to be 'brave' holds his face in turmoil and tells her he is lonely.
Sends bombardments of messages, gifs of crying girls holding out their hands, threatens to take away days out, holidays, him visiting if she doesn't respond in time. (Latest is a holiday he is threatening to cancel)
If we go on holiday she is reminded by him that he would love a holiday but he works too hard.
So my problem is that he has an excellent way of fooling everyone around him, if i deal with this (which I don't know how to) he gets very scary. He slams every part of my mothering skills (which I now know are absolutely fine!).
I cant cut contact can I? I would worry that my d's would be traumatised as she loves him so much (which a horrible feeling in my stomach suspects it's done in a grooming/over emotional way)
But I am so worried for her mental health, she worries about him all the time and she shouldn't have to worry about an adult!! She won't wear certain things and hides her likes and hobbies because she's afraid he will deem them chavvy (he used to say this to me too, he thinks he is of very high class)
Any advice to what on earth I do? Another thing is that he terrifies me, he terrifies my family too and bombarded us with hate messages ECT. I'm scared he will turn it all around and go for custody or something? I called an abuse helpline about a year ago who helped me with how to communicate with him when he is being abusive (I stupidly invited him to help out with dd's party but he said i was more interested in helping all the other children than my own..i was looking after 17 children on a Santa tram..so he threatened to go for custody??) Anyway, any help would be great, thank you
Examples of messages since shes home from school..
You are hurting daddys feelings very much (three crying faces)
Don't you want us to have a nice little holiday?
I want to see your face and speak to You
Why are you ignoring daddy?
I've forgotten your face...amongst 20 others straight after school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamneverfull · 20/09/2017 18:53

ROW was meant to be EOW.
Ok thank you, that's very helpful. I will go and see the school tomorrow.
Povertyjetset I will use those words. I will let you know how that goes, it won't be well!

OP posts:
AbsentmindedWoman · 20/09/2017 18:55

I'd stop contact. Yes, she might be upset but you won't actually be taking away a genuinely loving relationship.

Squirmy65ghyg · 20/09/2017 18:56

"Another thing is that he terrifies me, he terrifies my family too and bombarded us with hate messages ECT."

No crime? If he's threatening the OP and the family, that's literally what the police are there for. Hmm

SisterhoodisPowerful · 20/09/2017 18:57

I would approach your local Women's Aid and ask for the name of a local counsellor who understands domestic violence and can support your daughter. You need professional support from someone who understands emotional abuse. As others have said, you also need legal advice to stop corruption tact.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 20/09/2017 18:58

Stop contact!

SonicBoomBoom · 20/09/2017 18:59

Poverty's wording is really good.

Christ, those texts are awful. Your poor DD.

DancingLedge · 20/09/2017 19:00

Sorry you're having such a difficult time.

You need to be legally correct in your actions. I would suggest starting a thread in Legal, where there are some great solicitors who can give you good advice about controlling contact, without doing something which might later go against you.( Bear in mind that not everyone who replies in Legal is actually a legal professional, you might need to check that out)
Best wishes

Original poster
Iamneverfull · 20/09/2017 19:04

Thank you everyone, that's a great help

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 20/09/2017 19:06

I wouldnt mesaage him. Id just take the phone and switch it off and hand it to your solicitor / womens aid.

blahdyblahblah · 20/09/2017 19:07

She may be upset but if he continues to act as he is he could ruin her life and make her a very different person with life long issues.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 20/09/2017 19:08

Is the contact court ordered? If so you need to go and see a solicitor with a view to stopping unsupervised contact and also so that someone who isn't you can have stern words with him re the messages etc.

Is he on the birth certificate? If so the school are very limited in what they can actually do as he has equal PR.

But I would make it very clear to him that the mobile phone has been removed and that he is free to call her on your mobile.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 19:12

What a nasty piece of work, though I am not sure what to do. Poverty wording is very good. I would remove that phone from her, a child that young should not have a phone, if he wants to contact her, he can contact your landline or your mobile. That phone is another vessel for him to control and EA her.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 20/09/2017 19:12

"I wouldnt mesaage him. Id just take the phone and switch it off and hand it to your solicitor / womens aid." ordinarily I would agree with that, but given we don't yet know how this will turn out there's a chance he will havecontact with the DD still, and you don't want her to be in a situation where he asks her outright why she doesn't reply to daddy and how hurtful this is for him etc. So he needs to be told that his messages have now been curtailed and that they are with the relevant bodies as evidence...

lollipop7 · 20/09/2017 19:13

I would second Women's Aid, they were a marvellous kick start for me in terms of help.
I have left an emotionally abusive man who uses email and text to confuse the children through me. I'm having to comply with an indirect contact order until the next hearing but he uses it to impose his own agenda, confuse and dominate the children. I record them all. I log every breach with my solicitor and the serious ones with the police.

Even if it seems ridiculous to log everything, it all adds up.

Being consistent, calm and transparent in contrast to your hysterical, fa ting ex is what you need to project and substantiate.

Yes this is about your daughter but it's also about you.
He has no business haranguing you and your family, disturbing you and threatening you. If you log it all it will accumulate until you've got grounds to go for an order against him and he will certainly be warned if not interviewed for harassment.

I really feel for you, I'm in it up to my neck and eight months pregnant. It's so draining and hideous. It's also galling that these men can try and play father of the year when they are batshit crazy quite frankly.

PersianCatLady · 20/09/2017 19:13

Please don't contact the police.

Although he is being a test, he hasn't committed a crime.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 19:13

If he's bombarding you and your family with hate messages, go to the Police, keep the messages to show them,

lollipop7 · 20/09/2017 19:14

@PersianCatLady I disagree. Not in relation to his daughter but OP. He is harassing her and this is most definitely a matter to refer to the Police.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 19:14

He has committed a crime sending hate messages to op and her family!

AdalindSchade · 20/09/2017 19:26

Yes I'm sorry I completely missed that bit of the op, thought the pp meant report his messages to dd to the police.

Original poster
Iamneverfull · 20/09/2017 19:26

I stupidly haven't kept any of the old messages from when he was harassing me. The advise I got was blunt emotionless responses to his messages and he soon got bored but now it looks like he is re directing his emotional abuse via messaging my dd. I have messaged him povertys words, have heard nothing back yet which has unnerved me slightly! Im expecting a horrible venomous message. But its evidence. I'm buying a notebook tomorrow and screen shotting everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamneverfull · 20/09/2017 19:27

I will ask my parents if they have kept their messages

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 20/09/2017 19:30

Do you have a custody agreement from court? I was just wondering about a court welfare officer if so. I'd be really tempted to phone Women's Aid, and also Social Services to be honest. Your poor DD, she has to be protected from this, you are very much doing the right thing. He's the one in the wrong here, and at risk of losing access to his DD because of his behaviour, nothing else. Make sure you keep screenshots etc of his messages. What a nasty toad of a man.

ADayGivingMeHope · 20/09/2017 19:31

Keep your doors and windows locked and if he turns up then call the police straight away!
Keep your daughter safe and away from this man - just because he's her biological father doesn't mean he is automatically someone safe for her to be around.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 19:34

Definitely take her phone away, this is being used for him to EA her. I would go into Legal section on Mumsnet. If contact is court ordered it has to go ahead. But you can do things at home to help her. Contact childlike or Nspcc on what you can do to help. Any books or tools you can use.

PinkSnowAndStars · 20/09/2017 19:38

Why are they sharing a bed???

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