DH's costly birthday party plans

[Loopytiles]

DH has a "milestone" birthday next spring. He wishes to host a (child free) camping weekend for family and friends (perhaps 40 or 50 people) at a location 3 hours away. The place has a (basic) barn for dancing and a couple of toilets, with plenty of space for camping, but minimal other facilities.

I estimate that venue/site hire (£700), some form of heating (outdoor heaters and/or fire pit stuff), lighting and music (DJ), and providing food and booze for the Saturday could cost between £1500 and £2000. We would also need to clean and clear rubbish on the Sunday.

DH is being given £1000 as a birthday present by a kind and wealthy family member. I received the same on my milestone birthday, spent £300 on myself and put the rest towards a new kitchen (which had cost more than we'd budgeted). Problems with house renovation, my work and our relationship around the time of my birthday meant I didn't do much to celebrate.

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Some more information, so as not to drip feed. Childcare for the weekend shouldn't be a problem as a relative would help. DH has a couple of expensive long weekends away with his friends each year, and often socialises (me much less so, but that's my choice). We are well off, but have a lot of expenses (mortgage, childcare, home improvements, car very old so needs replacing) so money is a factor. We often spend around this budget on a family holiday each year, and would need to do something cheaper than usual if he spends money on this.

We have relationship problems, including that I feel that (after DC) DH prioritises work and socialising over time with me. We have not been away or done much together since we had DC, which is down to both of us, and the pressures of young DC, both WoH, money, health etc.

[Kokusai]

I do not think that £2k is too much to spend on a 40th birthday party weekend

It easily costs £500 to do a decent party at home.

If you can afford it whats the issue?

I feel that his plans are much too costly and a lot of hassle, and am (stupidly) a bit concerned about what guests might think. (I have an anxiety disorder). AIBU?

Yes. As long as he deals with organizing his party and doesn't expect you to do it all.

[KatyBerry]

it sounds like you regret spending your cash gift on the kitchen?
(and for what it's worth, having a hoolie and waking up with a hangover in a field without any washing facilities is my idea of sheer hell and i'd be busy that weekend)

[Loopytiles]

Not my idea of fun either, but it's not my do!

I don't regret spending the money on the kitchen, doing that was a joint decision, but we don't have money to spare for me to spend that kind of money on myself in addition to DH's plans.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

But its his birthday and he wants a party. £2,500 isn't that much in the grand scheme of things when and if you can afford it which it seems like you can.

Just because you didn't want a party doesn't mean he should want one.

For my big one I had a party (marquee/black tie/3 course meal and all booze for 100 people for just under £5k).

DH didn't want a party and wanted to go away somewhere nice but I got to chose and surprise him. The trip was about £4k for 5 days.

Let him have his party!

[Loopytiles]

It's not a matter of "letting him": he will go ahead as he wishes.

We couldn't afford to spend the equivalent amount in me, or a trip together or a holiday with the DC.

[KatyBerry]

the more you say, the more it sounds like you are resentful that you didn't blow your cash on yourself rather than the kitchen. Let him organise his party (& you may find fewer guests than 50 so lower cost) and maybe you get to pick the holiday & something for yourself on that?

[Loopytiles]

I didn't want a party, but would have liked a special night out, trip together or with the family.

[321zerobaby]

I can't get passed the coming bit. Does he know 40/50 people who would want to camp?

[Loopytiles]

He thinks so He has lots and lots of friends. I'm not so sure. Even with fewer people think costs wouldn't reduce much.

[KatyBerry]

so why didn't you organise that for yourself? if that's in the past, it's gone and you can't use it as a stick to beat him with over his birthday. He's got himself together to plan this, jsut as it was up to you to do the same when you had the same gift / birthday. You have to get over the fact you didn't when you had the chance - it was (presumably) your decision what you did and how you spent the same gift.

[Loopytiles]

Am not bothered about spending money on myself but would personally prioritise a family holiday or trip with DH.

[Lonoxo]

I think if you try to stop him, he will feel resentful and this will add to your relationship problems. In the grand scheme of things, going on a cheaper holiday one year is not that big a problem.

I don't think you should have spent your birthday money 'fun money' on a kitchen which is used by all members of the family, that should have come out of joint funds. Next time, put your needs first and tell your DH exactly what you want to do for your birthday (he can't read your mind).

[Loopytiles]

It wasn't really my decision to spend the gift on the kitchen: we had pretty much run out of funds and needed to pay up! And I couldn't organise anything for myself at the time, due to difficult circumstances.

[Loopytiles]

I did tell DH what I would like.

[theymademejoin]

It sounds like hell and a mad amount of money to spend.

Do the invitees need to supply their own tents or are they provided by the campsite? Loads of people won't have tents. If he's inviting family, does that include parents? There is no way my mother would be able to sleep in a tent without suffering massive pain. Even if she could, she certainly wouldn't want to. Is there other accommodation around for those who can't, or don't want to, camp. Will those who can't camp feel hurt at being effectively excluded?

[RandomMess]

I would be concerned about the costs spiralling upwards...

I would ask what is the maximum that he thinks is ok to spend on it bearing in mind that the rest of the family is compromising on a holiday etc, to enable it to happen. It does seem a bit selfish tbh!

[Loopytiles]

No older guests, they have ruled themselves out Will be more friends than family. No tents provided.

Yes, he will definitely resent me if I don't "get on board".

[Lonoxo]

Well, you can't turn back time and organize something now. But you could say the money you put towards the kitchen was a loan from your personal account to the joint account and if your finances are back on an even keel, you could claim it back and spend it on something fun?

[Loopytiles]

Some alternative accommodation in the area (B&Bs, pubs and so on).

[Loopytiles]

Finances are not yet back on an even keel, unfortunately.

[Whatthefoxgoingon]

It sounds like a lot of money to spend on one day if you don't have much money saved for holidays etc. and need money for house renovations.

[RandomMess]

Well if finances are an uneven keel still then I think it's not ok to spend more than the £1k on a party!!!! It's selfish and putting his desire for a huge party above the family needs.

[Lonoxo]

Well, if your finances are not back on an even keel, then he is being selfish. If you had to make sacrifices, then he should too. It's not fun being the responsible one in the relationship all the time. Tough one, balancing living for the moment vs. planning for the future. It does sound like you have some compatibility issues.

[KurriKurri]

Actually I agree with you about the money - I think that's a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a supposed milestone birthday and rather selfish if it means there is not money for family activities (I am of the grumpy opinion that too many birthdays are deemed milestones these days)

But you know your finances and whether that is a lot of money to you or not. I also get your feelings of irritation that your birthday was bypassed with minimal fuss while he gets a big shindig. I lived in an unequal relationship like that and yes it gets to you after a while that you are always the less important one.

Regarding the hassle - I would make it very clear to him that he shoulders all the hassle - organisation, catering, invitations, childcare etc etc. I would also consider camping in spring with basic facilities fairly hellish, so you might find there are less guests than anticipated. Leave him to get on with the arrangements, and then you just turn up on the day to join in.

It sounds as if you have the money but there are various options that it could be spent on, and they can't all be chosen. He has chosen the completely selfish option.

[Kokusai]

Am not bothered about spending money on myself but would personally prioritise a family holiday or trip with DH.

Well he isn't you.

Overall it seems that you are pissed off that you felt you 'had' to put your birthday money into the kitchen pot. It is OK to feel like that!

Just tell DH that on reflection, the disparity is causing you resentment and you want your birthday money to be repaid from the family pot so you can do x with it next year.