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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feel like the MIL is taking over at 10 weeks

86 replies

Lauraw1989 · 20/02/2017 08:29

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have only told both sets of parents and my DP's brother so far ...

My MIL is a nightmare! She keeps talking about stuff I don't want to talk about until after the scan. I told her about 10 times the previous night and my DP's dad also told her off as well.

Last night she said to me "I've started looking at prams I would like to buy and can I choose?". I just lost it and said can you please stop it and so did DP's dad. Her reply was it's just your hormones ARGHHH! Surely she should be letting me look at stuff for MY baby first?

I understand she is excited but I feel like she is taking over. This is her at 10 weeks I dread to think what she is going to be like the next 6 months.

I was crying all the way home. My DP understands why I'm annoyed and he said he will have a word with her but can't guarantee she will listen.

OP posts:
August1984 · 20/02/2017 11:13

Oh god Bluebell. My MIL did text me to say "thank you for doing this for us" which was creepy as fuck a bit weird and gives me complete Rosemary's Baby vibes Confused

howrudeforme · 20/02/2017 11:24

My mil was like this, but luckily overseas. I used to dread the phone ringing as she'd scream for me not to move or do anything that might harm the pregnancy like walk, shop and work!

Set your boundaries.

stoopido · 20/02/2017 11:45

I feel for you. My parents were like this with my first pregnancy, very excited but it got to the point of almost controlling my pregnancy. They wanted to buy everything without any consultation with us. They wanted to go out a buy the cot without me and in a colour I wouldn't have chosen. They would rush to buy everything before me and get ahead of every milestone before I could even think about it. I know I sound ungrateful but I wanted to have those moments such as picking out the pram and cot etc with my husband and as we could afford to buy the things we wanted, I didn't need them to provide items for us. The shame of it was it pushed me away from them rather than wanting to involve them.

Grandparents often have (but not always) more disposable income than when they were having babies so consciously or not want to enjoy all the lovely parts of having a baby and going out to choose all the 'stuff' in a way that they were probably unable to.

MimiSunshine you have totally hit the nail on the head here.

Whatsername17 · 20/02/2017 12:16

Agree with everyone who says lay the ground work now. I've found breast feeding has helped - baby needs to stay close which keeps 'helpful' people at bay.

Osirus · 20/02/2017 12:16

I get the "my granddaughter" and "my girl" from MIL. Never refers to her as our daughter.

I've also been thanked, several times, for giving her to her. She's not yours!!!

Drives me mad but I don't say a word as she's nice really.

specialsubject · 20/02/2017 12:23

I assumed the baby was ten weeks old!! Put your foot down - write a letter if that is easier. You are more than a bump and when the baby arrives you will be more than a mum, and you get to make all the decisions.

Does mil need more of a life? Sounds like it.

Katy07 · 20/02/2017 12:30

Get DP to tell her that you (as a couple) aren't prepared to even think about buying things yet because it would be tempting fate so early on. (Then if you do buy stuff don't tell her!)
Who thinks they can choose what pram the parents are going to use?! Fair enough if you said x model but you can choose between y colour and z colour, but that's all.
Get the birthday over with & then keep her at arm's length till the baby arrives (and reaches its 18th birthday)

Quietlydemented · 20/02/2017 12:35

Set very firm boundaries now. People like this don't improve. 13 years on and I am still having battles over boundaries. Unfortunately it's my parents that are the issue.
Their tactic was to take over then have the temerity to get offended when i asked them to back off a bit.

Original poster
Lauraw1989 · 20/02/2017 13:20

It's nice to know most post posters are on my side. I have been sitting at work today questioning if I'm an ungrateful cow.

The only reason I told both sets of parents is because it was both my DF and DP's DM Birthday last week and I thought it would be a love surprise for them both.

Bluebell Evergreen she has also been firing names out at me all weekend as well. I was thinking of keeping our name choices secret too! Interfering cow Angry

OP posts:
RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 20/02/2017 13:23

Keep your names choices secret, definitely.

In fact, don't volunteer much at all, or she might try to get you to change things to suit her.

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 20/02/2017 13:29

My MIL did text me to say "thank you for doing this for us"

FFS!!! Shock

THirdEeye · 20/02/2017 13:30

Whatever you do don't even hint at any names!

jcne · 20/02/2017 14:02

it's great isn't it, being treated like you are simply a surrogate for their grandchild. at least your partner sounds like he sees your POV. that's something. might make my own AIBU actually 🤔

MermaidsTears · 20/02/2017 14:05

Please.do.not. tell anyone your name choices! It's a whole heap of shit when you do IME

Jaynebxl · 20/02/2017 14:47

Absolutely agree with not telling names. If she keeps hinting say well that's for us to decide and you to find out after the birth, with a warm smile!
Once you do announce the name (post birth) do it with gusto and confidence. My grandmother poo pooed our choice of name and actually thought we would therefore change it!

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 20/02/2017 14:56

thank you for doing this for us

Shock Flipping heck, I'd be massively creeped out by that.

Coastalcommand · 20/02/2017 15:02

My MIL chose and bought our pram. It's brilliant! I couldn't have justified spending that amount on a pram, particularly with all the the many other expenses and a lowering of income while I'm on maternity leave. I'm just grateful that our families take an interest and really, who can be bothered what type of pram they have a? For me there are all much of a muchness and nothing could my baby any less special. I'm happy to share her with both her grandmothers.

Bluebellevergreen · 20/02/2017 15:09

August I keep getting the "call me if you need me" (I dont) and the last time I said yes yes and she fucking grabbed my face!!! She went "I mean it" 😳😳😳😳
Dont touch me woman!
thank you for doing this for us are you her surrogate??!!! WTF?!

EmeraldScorn · 20/02/2017 15:13

She's excited, you can't begrudge her that but I agree the suggestion that she should choose the pram was a little too far, although it's nothing to "explode" at her for, just tell her it's too soon and you'll discuss it nearer the time.

At least she is taking an interest, you'd feel 10 times more pissed off if she had dismissed your pregnancy right out and I don't like the suggestion of avoiding her, why would you do that? It will only create future bitterness and resentment, that's not healthy or fair on anyone.

Start as you mean to go on, be assertive but kind, there's no reason to exclude her or expect her own son to do so either; She's overbearing yes but there's many more damning qualities she could possess, by the sounds of it she will love this child and that's not a bad thing.

Let her be a grandmother guided discreetly by you; Creating unpleasant situations now will negatively impact on your child as they get older.

AuntiePenguin · 20/02/2017 15:16

Coastalcommand - I don't know anybody else who thinks prams are all the same! Every parent I know has spent a lot of time researching which pram is going to best meet their needs (will it fit in car boot, is it ok for buses, is the basket big enough, is it the right height to be comfortable to push etc etc).

It's the parents who will be using the pram so of course they should choose it, I think your approach is unusual.

rollonthesummer · 20/02/2017 15:17

I wouldn't have wanted anyone else's to choose my pram-how odd?! I'd say-'well, actually-I'm really looking forward to choosing all my own baby things!'

Did her MIL choose whichever pram she had??

Coastalcommand · 20/02/2017 15:35

I don't know, maybe we are unusual? But I really didn't mind what type of pram we had. As it is we were given one that's great, and my MIL chose it with love.
There are things I really feel strongly about - my MIL suggested formula feeding but I knew I wanted to breastfeed.
Nothing makes my DD any less mine, or takes away my utter joy in her.
But if other people want to join in and help us out, I'm very grateful.

August1984 · 20/02/2017 15:57

Oh god Bluebell, she sounds fun. I did half jokingly ask my DP if they were all planning on doing away with me after i'd delivered him an heir. Hmm

August1984 · 20/02/2017 16:01

P.s The pram mattered to me because i'm 5ft 2 with the upper body strength of a slightly narked kitten and my DP is 6ft 3. Ended up buying a different pram than what i'd originally chosen as it was much easier for me to manage so its an individual choice.

Osirus · 20/02/2017 16:08

August I keep getting the "call me if you need me" (I dont) and the last time I said yes yes and she fucking grabbed my face!!! She went "I mean it"
Dont touch me woman!
thank you for doing this for us are you her surrogate??!!! WTF?!

She grabbed your face?! Shock

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