Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Feel like the MIL is taking over at 10 weeks

86 replies

Lauraw1989 · 20/02/2017 08:29

I'm 10 weeks pregnant and have only told both sets of parents and my DP's brother so far ...

My MIL is a nightmare! She keeps talking about stuff I don't want to talk about until after the scan. I told her about 10 times the previous night and my DP's dad also told her off as well.

Last night she said to me "I've started looking at prams I would like to buy and can I choose?". I just lost it and said can you please stop it and so did DP's dad. Her reply was it's just your hormones ARGHHH! Surely she should be letting me look at stuff for MY baby first?

I understand she is excited but I feel like she is taking over. This is her at 10 weeks I dread to think what she is going to be like the next 6 months.

I was crying all the way home. My DP understands why I'm annoyed and he said he will have a word with her but can't guarantee she will listen.

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 20/02/2017 09:36

Whilst your away for her Birthday if she starts to get on your nerves either change the subject(get your DP on board with this before you go away so he can help so it's not always you redirecting the conversation)or walk away for a few minutes if you can,pretend you need to do something.

Fingers crossed that will get yours and your DP's point across,your lucky your FIL is on you side and that he speaks up for you both as well,you never know he may have be talking to her before you all go away about calming down on the baby talk.

Then when you get back if she still keeps doing it and won't listen to you then try not to spend as much time together.

Coulibri · 20/02/2017 09:36

This is why I didn't tell anyone other than DH and my GP/midwife that O was pregnant until almost half through. My MIL and SILs were absolutely incredulous that I was just going to work as usual and not on some kind of permanently hormonal, shrieky shopping spree.

mummytime · 20/02/2017 09:37

I didn't tell people until at least 12 weeks, and 16 weeks really after the second scan.

I know you are excited (as she is) but it is still really early days. I would be if a mum to be started talking about prams at 10 weeks - it is far too early.

Get space from her, look after yourself. And I hope everything goes well.

pizzafrenchfries · 20/02/2017 09:38

My MIL did this! She spent the first few weeks not even acknowledging the pregnancy and then it was I've got everything from dh's old nursery saved for your nursery (think old toys, stained curtains, the works) she wanted to buy the cot but only if she could choose, and we needed one we could move easily- she was insisting on a enormous sleigh cot from john Lewis so dh went out and bought one quietly! I think it depends how she is talking about it- mine was definitely bull dozing and I should have put my foot down more as now my son is here everything has gone a bit tits up because of her!

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 20/02/2017 09:46

I don't really buy the idea that it comes from a good place. Not when she dismissed OP's understandable annoyance and upset with "it's just hormones"

user1487371341 · 20/02/2017 09:47

Do you like this woman? Is she going to be an asset when the baby arrives in terms of giving you hours of much-needed sleep during the day? Is she a kind and loving woman? If so, keep your trap shut and tolerate what actually only amounts to a very excited granny-to-be.

However, if she is a meddling and imperious cow by nature you need to grow a pair and give her an ultimatum.. I'm also wondering why you told her about your pregnancy at ten weeks. You could have waited months and months and just said you were getting fat.

EightiethElement · 20/02/2017 09:53

Good idea to say you're sick!

THirdEeye · 20/02/2017 09:55

She may very well be excited...but she's been told to reign it in and has not!

She may very well want to buy/choose the >insert whatever piece of baby equipment here

Silverthorn · 20/02/2017 10:05

I'm remembering a thread where Mil went out and bought stuff behind the OP's back and then went on to commandeer all the 'first' milestones in the babies life.
I'm hoping Granny is just over excited. Perhaps you, dh and fil could sit down calmly with her. Explain you are excited too but it's too early. She can come Pram shopping with you (after you have decided which one suits you), etc.
Good luck Op.

August1984 · 20/02/2017 10:05

Its all so much easier if your DH is on side so thank goodness for that. I'm not great with confrontation so i always go for shutting the conversation down- "Maybe, we'll let you know" to everything. It'll annoy the shit out of her but she'll soon get it. Don't let your DH discuss anything she brings up if you're not there, my DP always says "I'm sure August is looking into it" or "I'll ask August and let you know". Its not rude so its not like she can fall out with you over it. Then if you do pick a pram and she still wants to pay for it, send her a link to the one you like.

P.s If she's talking about buying a pram for herself to use, let her get on with it. Ignore it, barely look at what she buys, don't let it stress you out, because you can't control what she buys for DC even when he/she is here, as I've learned. Not worth the headspace.

TurkeyDinosaurs · 20/02/2017 10:12

Walk away if she brings anything up you don't want to talk about. She's already not respecting your boundaries and if you don't do something now, it'll only get worse. Believe me.

notinagreatplace · 20/02/2017 10:17

My mother is like this - the best strategy I have found is to deflect her onto things that I wouldn't mind her buying. So, for example, she buys all of our wipes and cotton pads and really (because she's strange) enjoys hunting down the cheapest place to buy them, etc. But I made clear to her that we wanted to choose the pram because it's something that we use every day and so we know what features we will need, etc.

Is there something that you could give her to focus on so that you can say "we want to choose our own pram but we'd love it if you picked out ... bedding/clothing/blankets/a playmat/whatever"

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 20/02/2017 10:19

The OP is visibly upset and suggestions are to go softly softly with MIL. Sod that. I would tell her clearly that her attitude is causing you distress and you will not be seeing all that much of her if it continues.

notanurse2017 · 20/02/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 10:27

"will have a word but cant guarantee she will listen"

OK, well you need to say - if she doesn't listen and wont take it on board then you cant guarantee she will be included at all in the pregnancy or afterwards.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/02/2017 10:29

Definitely stay calm when talking to her, it's much better to take the adult, mature approach. Also, it might be all talk from MIL. My mum was going to come to every scan with me (!) but actually, it was just excitement and the realities of it were that it didn't happen.

I agree with giving her things she can buy, or if she insists on buying stuff you already plan to buy yourself, then sell it (and use the money on something you do want) or leave it at her house. I have no time for people who go ahead despite plenty of conversations not to.

I'd also have lots of stock answers ready... We'll bear that in mind... We'll let you know when we've decided... etc

DH and I also had a codeword for visits, which meant that I needed some space and we should get out of the house. It was handy as it was just a one word (or a short phrase) and needed no further explanation or discussion. DH knew I was at the end of my tolerance and we should action the request or face the consequence! It was really useful, although in reality we only used it a couple of times. I'd recommend this so you don't blow up.

MimiSunshine · 20/02/2017 10:31

Grandparents often have (but not always) more disposable income than when they were having babies so consciously or not want to enjoy all the lovely parts of having a baby and going out to choose all the 'stuff' in a way that they were probably unable to.

Doesn't mean they get to take over though just because they're an 'enthusiastic' granny.

If she wants to give you the money for a pram then lovely and it would be nice to include her in a shopping trip to take a look at some. But ultimately it's your choice which one you get, same for all other purchases.

Next time she starts on and you feel she's becoming overbearing just say calmly that you've said you don't want to discuss this so please stop or I'll have to stop seeing you as you're making me anxious

SanitysSake · 20/02/2017 10:35

I'm in the same boat as pizzafrenchfries. I was recently admonished because I have not been 'eager' to go round an inlaws house and 'choose' which bits of baby stuff (used beyond comprehension, tat) I wanted. So much so, when it was disclosed that I'd gone and chosen my first baby's pram/carseat/bassinet - it was greeted with 'oh, but we have all that stuff already! Why didn't you come and get it'. Maybe because I want to choose and buy my own stuff for my own, first baby?

I was told that I'm creating a gulf and that I don't have to take it all, but I should show willing. I don't want to show willing. I don't want to take on loads of peoples second hand crap, I don't want to be a dumping ground for stuff that should really go to a charity shop/the dump or be beholden to proffer money (which I think is part of the motivation) for things I don't really want/need at this stage.

I don't want to be railroaded (I don't deserve it) and nor should you.

I will be putting my foot down fairly shortly if it continues. I suggest you do the same.

Best of luck x

2014newme · 20/02/2017 10:39

Definitely don't be a martyr. Skip the weekend away. Let the dramas happen without you

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 10:46

But no-one in their right mind thinks a first-time mum and dad want to let someone else choose their pram!

Mine did - she spent all day choosing it in another country with her DM I said to DH I could not possible accept an expensive pram I had not laid eyes on or used. We asked her to take it back and she was very bitter about it. All my friends - their DP or In laws contributed to pram cost and let the actual mum choose it - as she would be using it each and every single day !

Butterpuff · 20/02/2017 10:56

Try logic, thanks that's very kind of you but we really need to choose the pram ourselves to make sure it fits in the car, house, bus, train etc. these are expensive practical items that have to work for you. Unless she is buying for her house in which case who cares!

Balance is key. My MIL was pretty overbearing about her baby while I was pregnant and despite DH speaking to her several times and me trying to see the positive it did put a wedge between us which has never really recovered. We got on far better before DC arrived that we do now which is a shame.

Chloe84 · 20/02/2017 10:57

I'm remembering a thread where Mil went out and bought stuff behind the OP's back and then went on to commandeer all the 'first' milestones in the babies life.

Yeah, but most of them were more like yardstones - like 'baby's first going outside outfit'.

TheFullMrexit · 20/02/2017 10:58

SanitysSake Mon 20-Feb-17 10:35:16

Can you go and buy a load of charity shop furniture then start to demand they come round to take it - they must show willing!

Pineappletastic · 20/02/2017 10:58

This

Put your foot down now, otherwise she'll be coming to stay for a month when the baby is born and taking over.

My mum bought a (second hand) car seat for their car, they live 3 hours away and we don't have the best relationship, (also, my mum has a history of ignoring my wishes and instructions, which directly led to the death of a pet) I'm not sure where she thought they would be taking my child without me while it was still in a stage 0 carseat.

I managed to dissuade them from buying a cot and setting up a nursery. Her idea was that since they have limited space we'd travel, leave the baby with them and stay elsewhere ourselves. Um, no.

There was sulking and a very teenage period where they didn't get us anything for the baby because they 'weren't allowed' - as in, if I can't choose the big things I won't get you anything. But after a while the realised they were missing out and now they're happy with the level of contact I choose.

I didn't entertain even looking at stuff until after the 20 week scan, but I'm a natural born pessimist.

Bluebellevergreen · 20/02/2017 11:08

Ahhh my MIL is so fucking pushy. I give her 0 information.
On the matter of the name she kept pushing even though we said "we are not telling"
Then hinting about names that the other grandchildren have blah blah
I just said "you are trying very hard but we are NOT telling"
And she did her victim oh ohhh faces so DH would feel sorry and he gave her the surname we chose.
Still mad about that.

I am ready to put my foot down when baby is here.

She kept trying to "feed my grandson greens" when we were out for lunch. Eeerr I am still pregnant so trying to feed ME green beans.

I really dont like this "my grandson" thing

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.