DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'
Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.
I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.
The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.
I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.
Is it me, or should she not have asked this?
I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?
AIBU?
to think this wasn't the midwife's business?
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 17:38
YANBU. I hate this kind of intrusiveness .
I had the nurse at the doctors surgery ask me why I wasn't using contraception! 
It wouldn't cross my mind to ask that question. Very intrusive, even without the miscarriages it is a decision that has to be made for one of you to be the carrier not both. Here are some congratulatory flowers for your future parenthood 
No, she probably shouldn't have asked that, not really appropriate. But - I expect she was just making small talk, probably didn't mean anything by it. I had midwives asking the most inappropriate questions of me when I was pregnant though - it feels like you become some sort of public property and anyone can ask the most impertinent questions.
A midwife asked me repeatedly if my third baby was my DH's - something complicated due to me showing pre-eclampsia symptoms, and not having had them on my first two pregnancies - apparently it's unheard of 
I realise why she asked, and that it is a thing people do and keep secret - but she went on and on until I said 'I know why you're asking, but I promise you, this baby and the two previous babies are absolutely definitely my DH's.'
Sorry about your miscarriages, and congratulations 
Firstly congratulations! And am so sorry for your loss.
I have had several losses, including one late in pregnancy and I was asked repeatedly in both my 'successful' pregnancies if it was my first pregnancy. Is infuriating and hurtful that often the HCP doesn't read notes properly but it's not personal.
And I think sometimes, especially in a situation that they haven't come across before, people make awkward/clumsy conversation (I was asked by a midwife during my last pregnant if we had buried or cremated our first baby ). That doesn't make it ok but it happens.
So you're not being unreasonable but I wouldn't talk it personally.
She was a twat and I'm sorry she upset you. I doubt she had access to your records though. Unless there's a genetic link between you and the baby I can't see why she would.
But what I really wanted to say was CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉 and it's nice to see you back on the boards and with such happy news.
Next time someone asks just tell them at length about the squillions you spent on your designer vagina. That'll put them off 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.