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to not have enjoyed our wedding day?

(191 Posts)
HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:28:04

We're in couples therapy at the moment. We've a "disconnect" around our wedding anniversary - DH wants to celebrate it; I just want it to be just another day. When I think back to our wedding day the strongest memories are:

* seeing my sister (we hadn't spoken for 3 or 4 years until that day)
* DH's brother (usher) turning up with a fat lip and a black eye after a fight a few nights before
* none of the ushers (DH's brothers) doing what we asked them to do so missing things we'd wanted to happen
* best man being incapable of getting DH to the venue so DH had to find his own way there
* best man arriving as my car pulled up at the venue (and i was 20 mins late)
* best man leaving his speech at the hotel
* crying as I walked up the aisle
* several babies screaming through our vows (as the ushers didn't do as asked and ask them to step outside)
* neither of DH's parents speaking to me all day
* my only grandparent refusing to come outside for photos
* DH's grandparents suddenly deciding they didn't want the food they'd chosen before the wedding and demanding something else be made specifically for them as the food was served
* nobody offering to buy me a drink (DH was bought several)
* my only bridesmaid had met a bloke at a club the week before and instead of bringing him to the evening do she left without saying anything
* DH wanting to stay at the venue until every other guest had left (3am - I was shattered)
* DH's parents being unhappy that a distant relative had turned down her invite so they arrived at the hotel at 9am the morning after the wedding to collect DH and took him to the relative's house for the day, leaving me alone.

On their own most of these are pretty minor, but all together they make a pretty unhappy memory for me that I don't feel like celebrating. I don't really like seeing photos or being reminded of the day more than 10 years later. DH doesn't understand and thinks I should find those things funny. hmm

I'm not BU L, am I?

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 07-Aug-16 18:31:39

No, you are not being unreasonable, but maybe you need to find a way to move past it, for your own sake.

WardrobeMalfunction Sun 07-Aug-16 18:32:22

You are, of course, entitled to feel how you do about your wedding day. However, a wedding anniversary is less about reliving your wedding than it is about celebrating your ongoing marriage with your DH. Maybe you need a bit of solo therapy to help you let go of something that happened so long ago?

PerspicaciaTick Sun 07-Aug-16 18:32:51

It does sound like things didn't go as planned, but I do think YABabitU. Most of this doesn't sound like it was your DH's fault - more flakey friends and relatives. And I do think that most people find a way to turn these sorts of things into the stuff you laugh at eventually.

The only thing that really worries me is...why did you cry walking down the aisle? Did you not want to get married? Most of the stuff you listed happened after the ceremony, so why the tears so early in the day?

honeysucklejasmine Sun 07-Aug-16 18:33:42

Yeah, it sounds pretty sucky, but it doesn't really sound like your DH's fault. Personally I would be hunkering down together, muttering about "between our families and friends, we know sone right knobs" and trying to make myself feel better.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 07-Aug-16 18:36:20

I like the sound of hunkering down honeysuckle - a bottle of champagne and some nice food, consumed in bed with a toast of "Fuck them all".

FATEdestiny Sun 07-Aug-16 18:37:12

Gosh you remember tons!

My 13th wedding anniversary this month, I can barely remember anything specific about the wedding day. It's all a blur.

Being married is far more important than getting married.

HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:37:19

There had been some stuff in the run up to the wedding that made me doubtful about it being the right thing to do. I suppose I got swept along by it.

Thinking back (and being brutally honest) I've gone along with stuff DH really wanted (moving in together/getting engaged/marriage/kids) which I didn't have strong feelings about. I think I was overwhelmed on the day, and probably thought I wasn't doing the right thing.

HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:38:43

If only, honey. He's invited the feckless relatives down the weekend of our anniversary. (I made a thread about it if you want more detail.)

SomedayBaby Sun 07-Aug-16 18:38:59

I think YABU and agree with a pp - a wedding anniversary is about celebrating your marriage not your wedding day IMO.

Surely there are nice bits about the day you remember?

HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:39:34

I can barely remember anything specific about the wedding day. It's all a blur.

Congratulations. I was stone cold sober and watched it all in the 3rd person. sad

mrsfuzzy Sun 07-Aug-16 18:39:35

wedding from hell but it was 10 years ago and you need to think about your marriage since and less about dodgy relatives flowers.

madcapcat Sun 07-Aug-16 18:40:02

Sorry I think you are a bit but I can understand why. Thing is, the anniversary is (or should be) to celebrate your marriage and commitment to each other, not the wedding bit which is the bit that didn't go so well. I do think the media and the wedding industry are partly to blame for all this hype, but you don't have to buy in to it. But then so many things went wrong on my admittedly very low-key wedding day that I can't even list them all here, including spending our wedding night in a room with 3 single beds and my dm because dmil (whom I love) insisted that she had to have the double room downstairs.

AtSea1979 Sun 07-Aug-16 18:40:09

I think it's a bit sad that you don't want to celebrate your marriage to DH. Some couples would give anything for another year together.

HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:40:16

Surely there are nice bits about the day you remember?

Not really.

HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:41:18

We're in couples therapy. Things are pretty critical. So not much to celebrate there either!

absolutemug Sun 07-Aug-16 18:42:26

To be honest why don't you just celebrate your wedding anniversary if it makes your husband happy? It's all about give and take and I'm sure he does things to make you happy. It doesn't have to be a huge thing: a meal, wine and a little present.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 07-Aug-16 18:44:04

I think I was overwhelmed on the day, and probably thought I wasn't doing the right thing.
Now that I can understand, and I can understand why you don't feel the day was a happy occasion. I can also understand why all the other more minor stuff seems really significant too and have perhaps taken on more importance than they really warrant.

Could you come up with a different day to celebrate your relationship, may be your first date or when you first met? Or has something significant happened in the years you've been married that you to celebrate instead?
Or is it that you don't want feel the need to celebrate the longevity of your relationship at all (whole different question perhaps?)

Dutchcourage Sun 07-Aug-16 18:45:23

Not surprised your pissed off, I would be too.

Him leaving the day after your wedding is the pitts tbh - what the fuck was he thinking.

Do you think it's so apparent still becUse you don't want to be married any more?

HackAttack Sun 07-Aug-16 18:46:26

In all honesty I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this but you seem a bit in victim mode and not looking at maybe why you had only one bridesmaid, people want to buy drinks for your oh and not you plus you are struggling to relate to your oh. There can be a power in realising your unhappiness is partly your responsibility because then you can change it.

PerspicaciaTick Sun 07-Aug-16 18:46:36

Sorry x-post with several OP posts. You've changed my mind. YANBU to not want to have a big, public celebration of a marriage that is struggling.

Bearbehind Sun 07-Aug-16 18:48:00

No offence but your families sound more than a little dysfunctional.

Your in laws nor speaking to you on your wedding day is just bizarre.

It's not about your wedding day, it's about whether or not you want to be in the place you are and I suspect you don't.

ChrissieS79 Sun 07-Aug-16 18:48:21

Makes me glad we buggered off to Vegas to get married. Life would be grate if it wasn't for everybody else.

Eminybob Sun 07-Aug-16 18:49:25

Aww op that sounds bloody awful.

Things being sucky with your DH are reason enough not to celebrate though, it needn't be anything to do with the wedding itself.

If you do want to make things better with your DH, perhaps do something really nice on your anniversary, just the 2 of you. Perhaps try to rekindle things and remember why you fell in love in the first place. Don't let one day/party overshadow all of that.

And thanks for reinforcing my decision to elope!

HeCantBeSerious Sun 07-Aug-16 18:49:35

I chose to only have one bridesmaid because I wanted as small a wedding as possible (impossible with the size of DH's immediate family, and he went several steps from inmediate!). I had many friends there on the day.

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