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to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

(462 Posts)
NeonPegasus Tue 14-Jun-16 14:53:05

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

Elllicam Tue 14-Jun-16 14:59:17

How odd, I would be annoyed too. Do you live with your partner? Do the kids get on?

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 14-Jun-16 15:00:06

shock you are absolutely not being unreasonable shock I'd choke him with his apron strings to be honest. You are together five years and have a dd ffs, the whole thing is weird - the holidays, the staying at his mothers, the level of his mothers involvement - weird! (Not helpful)

Sorry for your loss btw

Johnny5isAlive Tue 14-Jun-16 15:04:06

YANBU to be upset. That seems v strange to me. You've been together a while and have a DC together. Therefore you are a family. Both mil and DP are unreasonable to not consider you and all DC

Tryingtostayyoung Tue 14-Jun-16 15:04:18

Ouch I would be seriously annoyed at this blatant separation!! You are definitely NOT BU!!

NeonPegasus Tue 14-Jun-16 15:07:13

We've lived together for four years, the kids all get along brilliantly, we've never had an issue with them all being together.

I suppose I just thought after five years, a 'family' holiday would y'know, actually include all of us. His mother has always been overly involved in everything, but I think it's because DH and his sister are the only family she has, here is nobody else, although she does have a very active social life, lots of holidays etc so I don't think she's particularly lonely.

GloriousGoosebumps Tue 14-Jun-16 15:08:04

Don't you think the clue may be in your statement that "...he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking)." It looks as though the children's mother has totally banned them from spending any time with you, which would, of course, include holidays. After marriage and 5 years together your DH needs to grow a pair. Perhaps it's time for him to instruct a solicitor.

Ragwort Tue 14-Jun-16 15:09:00

Why on earth don't you discuss it with your DH What is his view on the situation?

MrEBear Tue 14-Jun-16 15:15:15

Tell him he can go with his mum and 2 kids but you & your 3 are going elsewhere. Might make him and his mother think.

Do your kids know his if he never brings them to your house?

Ilovenannyplum Tue 14-Jun-16 15:22:25

YANBU

What a weird situation, I'd be livid if MIL booked a holiday for everyone but left DS and I (and any hypothetical other children) at home.
Very very odd, I think you need to have a proper talk with your husband about it.

araiba Tue 14-Jun-16 15:24:02

they ask, you say no, eventually they get bored of asking and just dont bother

can dh mum afford to pay for 4 extra people?

HouseworkIsASin10 Tue 14-Jun-16 15:30:08

How on earth does your DP not feel guilty when he swans off with the other kids and leaves you at home with yours? I could never do that to somebody I love, leave them out knowing they had no chance of a holiday.
Is he a selfish fucker in other ways?

RestlessTraveller Tue 14-Jun-16 15:33:52

Have you spoken to your DP about this?

AllegraWho Tue 14-Jun-16 15:35:51

Your is being a diDHdickor allowi.g this situation. A family holiday for you should be him, you, and the kids that leave with you - sure, the kids that don't should be welcome, but if their mum is not happy with you being around them, that's her problem, she can take them on holiday herself.

At the very least, and only if you were happy with it, he could go on hols with you, then separately with the girls.

But to go off on holiday with his children, and consistently leave behind what is also his' wife and stepkids... Jesus wept. Talk about wicked fucking stepdad.

Does he not realise that his stepkids are also his daughter's siblings ? And they just lost their Nan, too ?

Dick.

Ledeluge Tue 14-Jun-16 15:36:21

I'd assume MIL isn't that interested in your 3 children from previous relationship and def isn't interested in paying for them to go away. Which isn't that unreasonable, really.

Maybe you and OH need to talk about how you can have a family holiday without MIL?

LeRoom Tue 14-Jun-16 15:37:04

I can't think how to put this more tactfully so I'm just going to let it out:

That's weeeeeeeird. I mean, I can see how you've eneded up there, with it being a thing they did and you having a new relationship but it's been 5 years. If your family (by which I mean your immediate family - you, your dh and all the children) don't come as a package now, when will you ever?

How much time off does your dh get per year that he is willing to squander a week of it that he could have spent with his family? Not his extended family. His family. You!

AllegraWho Tue 14-Jun-16 15:38:25

*Your DH is being a dick for allowing this situation

Sorry, the rage made me incoherent

Janecc Tue 14-Jun-16 15:40:45

Totally totally unreasonable. I would be massively annoyed if she decided your young child could go with them without consulting you. How old is your DD?

And yes, you should have been consulted about taking your boys. You are in a stable relationship and she is undermining you and dp isn't standing up to her. I would be having words with dp. I wouldn't stand for it.

FeckinCrutches Tue 14-Jun-16 15:42:03

I'm agog that your partner would even consider it, is he not the tiniest bit ashamed or guilty? What's he actually said about it?

Janecc Tue 14-Jun-16 15:44:45

And a holiday as a FAMILY without mil would be a massive priority to me. It's not so expensive to go camping in a couple of tents if that's feasible. I would also EXPECT a holiday with my boys (and your DD) in return if he goes ahead with the plans.

NeonPegasus Tue 14-Jun-16 15:46:48

your DH needs to grow a pair I've had this discussion with him many times. I've given up trying. Believe me, I agree with you.

Why on earth don't you discuss it with your DH I have tried to, several times. The issue is he won't just say 'no' to his mother. About anything.

Do your kids know his if he never brings them to your house We do days out, or we all go to his parents. I think they've been in this house twice in the five years we've been together.

can dh mum afford to pay for 4 extra people yes, she could. I wouldn't expect her to, though, I'd be perfectly happy to pay the extra, but it's not even an option.

Is he a selfish fucker in other ways? He isn't a bad person, he just has no backbone. His mum decides she wants to do something, he just goes along with it. I just wish he'd take my feelings into consideration more. I do talk to him, I do tell him how these things make me feel, but clearly it's easier to say no to me than it is his Mum. I dunno if that makes him selfish. I love him, very much, and he does a lot for all of us.

This makes me feel like we're an add-on or an optional extra rather than a family, though.

liz70 Tue 14-Jun-16 15:47:54

If I were you, I would be booking a holiday in an 8 berth EW static on a decent holiday park (they do exist). At least that way you would all seven of you be able to have an affordable holiday together.

Completely agree that your DH is out of order going away without you and your DDs.

TheNaze73 Tue 14-Jun-16 15:49:22

I think the problem here is your DH. The MIL probably doesn't give a toss about your children & certainly shouldn't be expected to pay for them but, your DH needs to stand up to his MIL & to put you on a level footing as him Mum.

winningticketholder Tue 14-Jun-16 15:49:37

The term is 'blended', tell your OH to look it up. Also perhaps you need to own this a bit and call MIL to discuss suitable dates before you book a large holiday home cottage / camping trip (depending on budget) for everyone in the very near future. Stop allowing her to make the rules for your family.

Rafflesway Tue 14-Jun-16 15:49:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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