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AIBU?

deceased mothers items sister now wants

180 replies

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 17:36

Ok my mum passed 4 years ago my relationship with my sister has never been good. But we dealt with mums house and belongings very well.

Mum had some beautiful picture frames 2 large 2 medium and four small now they are stunning etched glass. My sister did not want them so I had them.

Now my sister has decided she would like one. I am using them and understand that she would want one but I have them displayed with pictures in them. I want to give her two small ones however I know she wants a large one. AIBU to say that because she didn't want them and I am using them I want to keep big ones.

I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think.

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Indantherene · 11/01/2016 17:42

Difficult. What did she have of your mums? Anything of equal value?

If she did, then you can point out that everything was divided at the time, and she had XYZ because she didn't want the frames.

If not then I think you'll have to suck it up and let her have one of the big ones. (and actually it would be fair to let her have one big, one medium and 2 small).

We've just had a similar family argument (and huge falling out) over some old photos, so I feel your pain.

YellowTulips · 11/01/2016 17:43

Personally I think that after 4 years has passed you are perfectly entitled to say no to her request.

It's not fair to start claiming items after such a significant period.

If you wanted to give her an item then that's up to you, but I don't think you are under any obligation to hand them over especially as they are in use.

TowerRavenSeven · 11/01/2016 17:43

I think you should give her one big one. When my dm passed my brother (a minimalist) didn't want much from her house. Dh and I took some items and put them in our house. A year or two later my brother was at our house and said that he really liked (something that he previously didn't want) and would I mind if he had it?

I packed it up and gave it to him right then and there. Sure he said that he previously didn't want it, but with packing up her house it was all so overwhelming he just made a broad statement that he didn't want anything rather than have to made decisions on what he wanted or not. It made me happy to think he had some of her things in his house too and it's what my mum would have wanted too. I do have to say we are close however. But I think even at this date (15 years later) if he wanted something that we had taken I'd give it to him. It made me happy that he Did want something of hers.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 11/01/2016 17:46

You are perfectly within your rights to say no.

Only you will know how much resentment there will be if you do say no, and whether it will impact your relationship with her.

Very tricky situation.

MoMoTy · 11/01/2016 17:47

At that time she might not have had the space or need for them, but I think now you should share it equally. It is fair and both have something treasured in your homes.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 11/01/2016 17:51

Have her circumstances changed? Perhaps she now has somewhere she could display one, or has got a little older and now appreciates them. Yes, you're using them to display photos but is that really a cast-iron reason not to part with one or two?

My sister took almost everything that belonged to our mum and to be honest I can't forgive her for it. I asked for one item, she told me I couldn't have t as she was using it to store things for her dog. That told me my place in the hierarchy.

Janeymoo50 · 11/01/2016 17:53

I am you op, but my sister wanted nothing....then. I would try and compromise in some way. She only wants one. It is annoying though I agree.

Sparkletastic · 11/01/2016 17:54

What would your mum want to happen if she were still with you?

Penfold007 · 11/01/2016 17:56

Is there anything she has that you would like? If it was my sister I'd split the photo frames in two so one big, one medium and two small but that's me and not you.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 11/01/2016 17:58

Also, why do you feel she shouldn't have one (or two)? Is it as inda says, that you divided things fairly at the time andhe wants a second bite at the cherry, or do you feel somehow she ought not to have these mementos? I'm interested as there seems a close parallel with my experience.

StayWithMe · 11/01/2016 18:11

Sorry to seem cynical, but are the frames valuable. The cynic in me would suggest that you do some research on them and ask her what changed her mind? Where's she planning on displaying it, in general chat, of course.

ratspeaker · 11/01/2016 18:13

I think she had her chance when you dealt with your mum's stuff 4 years ago. It seems a bit late now to be looking for things from the estate.t
If you hadn't taken the frames then they would have been disposed of either by selling, giving to charity, or binned so your sister would not be able to try and claim them back from those sources.

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 18:14

Mum had lots of collectables and we choose what we liked. My sister had figurines, crystal etc as I was not so keen. Value wise we both (sorry for the phrase coming) both did very well

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MaidOfStars · 11/01/2016 18:15

I packed it up and gave it to him right then and there
I'd do the same in this situation.

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 18:17

I look at some of the bits she has and now four years on think ohh I wish i had taken them at the time or split them. But would not think it's now appropriate to ask.

Like I say I'm willing to give two small ones but know that's not what she really wants

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whois · 11/01/2016 18:17

I'd do the same in this situation.

Yeah but do you get on wiht your sibling? If you didn't, you might have a different view?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 11/01/2016 18:18

Of course you should give her a large frame - and a medium one and two small ones! Providing there are just the two of you - no other siblings likely to want one in the future?

They belonged to your mum, not you. Therefore, they belong jointly to you two now. Whether you are using them or not is utterly irrelevant.

The only exception would be if your sister took more than you from the house in the first place - for example, if she has a house full of your mum's belongings & you have just the frames then no, she should not get one of those too.

Katarzyna79 · 11/01/2016 18:18

I think your being petty. I lost my mum too 5 yrs ago now my sis wanted nothing. Shecreluctantly took some gold but she recently gave that too me aswell because she saud its just sittung there.im sentimental so i like to keep them even if i dobt wear her gold ican remember how she looked wearing the.

If my sis asked me for the gold or any saree id give her it without a second thought this us not something to bicker over

StayWithMe · 11/01/2016 18:18

In that case, she got her 'share'. I've a sneaking suspicion, this is about money. You've already said that you don't get on too well, so I would simply tell her, no! Keep it simple and tell her you're not willing to give her the frames as you are too attached to them. Out if curiosity, has she still her share or have they been sold? This does sound more and mire about money. What was her reason for wanting them?

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 18:19

Not money orrientated she is loaded.

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SlatternIsTrying · 11/01/2016 18:19

I think if you divvied up at the time then she shouldn't come back for the item now. But........ If you want to maintain any kind of relationship with her you have to do something. I would try and explain that you were using the items and see what her reaction was.

Freeriver · 11/01/2016 18:20

I packed it up and gave it to him right then and there
Me too. As long as it is still in the family somehow. Been there, done that.

GruntledOne · 11/01/2016 18:20

If there are things she took which you would now like, it seems sensible to offer a swap. If she doesn't want to do that, it's probably the end of the discussion.

It really can't be suggested that, four years on, anything is owned jointly. That would be a nonsense in legal terms.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 11/01/2016 18:20

You should also ask to split some of the bits she has and you would like, if you each had similar amounts from the house.

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 18:21

Like I say does this mean then everything we took and are now using is up for grabs because 4 or 10 years later we changed our mind

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