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AIBU?

Social service involvement

249 replies

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 17:45

Don't really know where to start. My husband and son have had real issues. Major conflict over the last couple of years. Ds is now 16.

Have been physical altercations between them on quite a few occasions. I've had to call the police a few times. Ds lashed out at dh on most incidents, but after dh has got in his space or tried to snatch his phone off him as a 'consequence'. As a consequence, ss now have quite major involvement and ds is on a child in need plan, as long as I agree to keep dh and ds separate (will be cpp otherwise).
We are currently having to juggle them living in the house. I.e. 2 days for dh and 5 days for ds. I have two younger children who have witnessed all this violence.

So my question is, has anyone on here had ss involvement? Any experience of a cin plan or child protection plan or experience of domestic violence between husband and son and outcome?

I guess I just need some support. It's hellish.

Please no judgement. Have been proactive in getting help for both of them in past couple of years, and am drained.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

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MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 17:47

That sounds awful. Where does your DS go for the 2 days? Is your DH his father?

GabiSolis · 18/10/2015 17:49

That sounds awful. :(

I'm afraid I don't have any experience in this, but a couple of things stood out to me. Firstly, is your DH the father of your DS (stepfamily dynamic possibly at root of this)? Do you have any other idea where any of this has come from? How are the two of them when they are apart?

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 17:51

My ds goes to a family member on those nights and dh is stepfather but has legally adopted ds several yrs ago

OP posts:

MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 17:59

Sounds absolutely awful for your DS that he has to leave his home every week because his stepfather is abusive towards him.

And sounds like you his mother are not adequately protecting him. He's a child.

Sorry to be harsh but I really feel for your DS.

GabiSolis · 18/10/2015 18:04

OP could you give a bit more info on the dynamic between your DS and DH? You say about your DH snatching the phone away and getting in your DS's space, but that could be 'normal' discipline or an abusive situation. It's not clear to me exactly what you mean by that.

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:08

My dh maintains that my ds has assaulted him. It has been my ds who has kicked/punched/pushed my dh and dh says that he has retaliated. BUT my dh has initiated a lot of incidents by trying to grab ds phone or blocking ds from leaving etc.

OP posts:

vaticancameos · 18/10/2015 18:09

I was a single parent of a two year old when I met met my now ex partner. After we had a child together three years later, he started getting really bullying to my son. And me really. He was and still is really jealous of fuck knows what. It was a clear choice for me. I ended the relationship.

Leavingsosoon · 18/10/2015 18:10

Have you ever witnessed these exchanges Drained?

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:11

My dh looks at it as discipline. E.g. if my ds has sworn at him and dh has gone to grab phone as a consequence

OP posts:

Leavingsosoon · 18/10/2015 18:11

Yeah but Vatican, that's a 5 yo.

A 16 yo is very very different (obviously!)

MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 18:12

So your DH 'retaliates' to a 14/15 year old child with physical violence. And he's supposed to be the parent?

Chippednailvarnish · 18/10/2015 18:13

You don't seem to completely believe your DH...

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:18

Yes I've witnessed most of these exchanges. I've called police and called ss

OP posts:

Leavingsosoon · 18/10/2015 18:18

Is your husband being physically abusive, would you say?

flippinada · 18/10/2015 18:19

From what you've written, it sounds like your DH is goading/provoking your DS (his stepson) and then using this as a reason to be violent towards him - is that right?

Toraleistripe · 18/10/2015 18:20

Well at 16 your son is still a child. Your DH should not be using violence towards him whatever the provocation. Of course he will be on a CIN plan. I think you need to see that unless your DH stops his violence then your son will continue to be on the radar of SS.

Sorry but would be asking DH to move out, seek help with his behaviour.

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:21

It's more like dh is overly controlling towards ds. Then ds gets physical and dh restrains him and so it goes on..

OP posts:

MaudGonneMad · 18/10/2015 18:22

Your DH sounds fucking awful.

Crazypetlady · 18/10/2015 18:23

My ex stepfather used to abuse me physically and blame me whilst my mum was at work. Be sure your DH is truthful o.p
Sorry you're having a crappy time.

flippinada · 18/10/2015 18:24

It sounds like your DH should move out. Is there a reason why he hasn't gone yet?

MaryMcGregor · 18/10/2015 18:24

I would ask your DH to leave.

Crazypetlady · 18/10/2015 18:24

Oh just read your last post your DH seems to be inflaming the situation. Not nice.

yorkshapudding · 18/10/2015 18:27

I work in children's mental health services so I work with lots of families who have CP or CIN plans. The thresholds for ongoing SS involvement are so high now, you would be amazed at some of the stuff we witness/hear about and when we refer to SS are told "sorry it doesn't meet the threshold for CIN".
OP, what I'm trying to say is that for your children to have been put on a CIN plan and for you to have been threatened with CP if your DS and DH aren't kept apart, there must be some very serious concerns about the risk to your children. Im not trying to be unkind. It's just that I see so many women in your position trying to minimise the violence that is going on at home, maybe because it's become the norm, maybe due to fear of judgement or maybe just burying their heads in the sand. Your DH may regard his behavior as "normal discipline" but clearly there is more going on. Do you believe your DH when he "maintains" his version of events?

Drained12345 · 18/10/2015 18:29

Dh has started an anger management counselling course. I may appear very blase or uncaring when I'm describing this situation. The reality is, I am knackered. Have always intervened, have tried to get them help and am a loving mother. It is hard as my son has a tendency to react in anger and so it's not always that clear who is at fault. My stance has always been that he's the child and my dh is the adult. My other children have a good relationship with dh and so I feel that whatever I do, I'm tearing someone's life apart.

OP posts:

HeartShapedBox · 18/10/2015 18:29

Are you the poster who's Ds is racially abusive to your Dh and his children? And possibly his younger half siblings too?

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