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To think these parents are very rude?

(88 Posts)
Pandorasaquarium8 Sat 09-May-15 14:50:42

We moved ds at the end of his reception year from a failing school in our catchment area (which is slightly rough) to an outstanding school in a very middle class area (extremely low proportion of FSM and very high perfoming) Academically I don't regret it as he's come on massively and the other school had very low expectations but socially it's not so good.

From the word go the other parents were very standoffish. I can't help thinking it's because we are from out of the area and from an estate. They will literally blank me. Ds has been there since September and it's no better now than it was then. Sometimes some of the mothers will speak to me and other times they will literally walk past me without even acknowledging me at all. I'm not bothered about making friends but their attitude seems to filter through to their children. Ds isn't invited to any parties or play dates, I've tried to build bridges by arranging play dates myself but excuses have been made and no offer reciprocated. It's ds's 6th birthday soon and he's asked about 12 children to his party. Not one is coming. Apparently they are all busy. The party is five weeks away. They had plenty of notice, what's the chances they would all be busy.

Most of the mums stand together in a circle on the playground, occasionally they will look over and say something to each other. I know this sounds paranoid but that's truly what happens. I feel desperately sad for ds, he's a cheery little soul, very well behaved and a normal 5 year old little boy. At school the other children will play with him, it seems to be the parents that have the issue. It's made harder by the fact the other children mainly live in walking distance from each other and we are about four miles away. I just worry that ds is going to become more and more excluded.

One evening a mother was talking to me on the playground as we were the first ones there to fetch our dc. Another parent arrived and she literally turned her back on me mid conversation, as though she didn't want to be seen talking to me.

Aibu to think this is really really rude behaviour? I cannot believe how cliquey it all is!

mrslydiateapot Sat 09-May-15 15:01:29

Can you not ask one of the friendlier mothers what the problem is ?

I usually wouldn't give a toss but when it rubs off on your son I would have to ask

fridayfreedom Sat 09-May-15 15:04:30

Yes, that sounds vety rude. I had the same upto a point with my ds.
moved from one school due to a class with behaviour issues++, to a more middle class village school.
the only parents to speak to me where one who had also moved their chi,d from the other school and another who had just moved into the area.
I think its hard if your child hasnt been in the same class from day one, but people should be polite at least.
I joined the pta, which I didnt really like but in the end it did mean that more people spoke to me. You have to make an effort as well but its hard. Sometimes at the end of the day in the playgrlund I just wanted to scoop ds up and take him home away from it all.
No one coming to his party is really sad, is there another event on yhat day?

Pandorasaquarium8 Sat 09-May-15 15:04:37

None of them are friendly.
I only fetch four afternoons and ds goes with a childminder in the mornings as I'm at work. I'd say 90% of the mums are sahms and have a younger child so they are always on the playground.

woowoo22 Sat 09-May-15 15:04:41

Some of the parents must not be there at pickup surely? With work etc? How did you pick the 12 names, are they your DS's friends? Sounds so shit.

Pandorasaquarium8 Sat 09-May-15 15:06:04

No, they've all given different reasons. Well some have just said 'busy' and others have given a reason. But for all 12 to be unable to come seems unlikely.

woowoo22 Sat 09-May-15 15:06:33

Ah okay. That is crap OP sad

Pandorasaquarium8 Sat 09-May-15 15:07:11

The twelve we asked are the children ds wanted. There are 28 in the class. It's mainly the boys he's invited but a couple of girls too. They are the children who are in his reading / numeracy groups so he has more to do with them I suppose.

Euphemia Sat 09-May-15 15:10:09

I agree with joining the PTA or getting involved with the school in some way - once people get to know you things might get better.

arethereanyleftatall Sat 09-May-15 15:25:07

This sounds so rude, but unusually so. Is there anything else to this?

Pandorasaquarium8 Sat 09-May-15 15:27:29

I don't think so.
They've been really unfriendly since day 1 and I haven't had enough to do with them to have upset them in any way. Ds is pleasant and well behaved and averagey so can't see why they'd dislike him.
It just seems to be because we are new comers from somewhere else.

Aeroflotgirl Sat 09-May-15 15:30:40

Yanbu at all, they sound awful. Yes join tge Friends association or PTA. It's horrid when it filters down to your child sad

midnightvelvet01 Sat 09-May-15 15:40:29

I moved schools because I moved house back last June & one of mine is in Year 1. It does happen OP, its not just you.

I've since found out as more & more children have joined, that the parents tend to think in-year admissions is because your child was expelled, was badly behaved, or there is some kind of unknown problem with your child & its that which has led to the school change. A sort of victim blaming scenario, though not that.

Totally wrong but yes there are cliques. Eventually another mother started later on in the term & now I talk to her in the playground.

The birthday party is hard, just a thought, you haven't organised it on the school summer fete day or anything have you? Do you have the balls to change it to another day or a weeknight even & send invitations again? If its all no's again then you are not being paranoid but perhaps its a clash with someone else's party on that day already & their kids are already committed but nobody wants to say so as you are not invited to the other one?

AntiHop Sat 09-May-15 17:38:01

My child isn't school age yet so I've no experience of this yet. But I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear you're being treated this way. I guess all you can do is keep being friendly and hope these rude people stop being rude some day.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 09-May-15 17:42:20

That sounds awful, could you maybe explain how excluded he feels to his teacher and see if they would allow a cake with candles at the end of the day? At least he would have his birthday acknowledged.

TinyTearsFirstLove Sat 09-May-15 17:55:18

I wouldn't take too personally. I've felt exactly the same as you and, three years on, I think it's because they've all known each other since their kids were babies. It must be very hard and upsetting but in a few years, it wont be quite as bad. There will still be arseholes but you'll learn to realise that they're not worth the effort.
I joined the pta so at least Mums of older kids started talking to me. I've since made friends with Mums of my own kids age through the pta. Three years in I feel as though I'm just finding my feet. It's amazing how many insular people there are at the school gates.

sockmatcher Sat 09-May-15 17:59:21

I'd be inclined to send a text announcing party cancelled as not one invitee can come. Ask for suggestions on when a new date or play date would be convenient as your son is extremely upset.

How they response will show you exactly what there intentions are

sockmatcher Sat 09-May-15 18:03:08

I'd address it to them personally to so they know it's not a round robin text but requires a response.

paddyclampo Sat 09-May-15 18:18:12

Great idea Sockmaster!

PunkrockerGirl Sat 09-May-15 18:20:49

It's a hard one, but remember the only thing you have in common with these people is that you have children the same age. This doesn't mean you have to like them or socialise with them. I used to sit in playground at pick up time and just inwardly cringe at the parent dynamics and the sucking up to the parents who thought they were so, so important. Once the children go to secondary school, these parents who believe they've dominated the playground, suddenly become obsolete, a distant grim memory. As will their dc to your' s OP, although it a long way off.
Hang in there flowers

sockmatcher Sat 09-May-15 18:23:59

Also consider beavers for your son. It really will help balance the school clique and help him form other friendships

Babymamamama Sat 09-May-15 18:30:08

So sorry to read this pandora. It's just so nasty. It seems like you've been really unlucky to co incide with such a cliquey group. There must be some normal parents somewhere in the class. In the short term though could you arrange something with your sons friend out of school, maybe couple of kids from his old school or cousins and just do a really nice smaller party, taking them out or whatever. Be a shame for your ds not to celebrate his birthday just due to these mean parents.

yetanotherchangename Sat 09-May-15 18:31:14

I second going to speak to the teacher about it. This goes beyond normal playground clique behaviour. Perhaps there are some other children who are suffering at the hands of this cabale?

Ask the teacher what she suggests.

Just a thought - Is there another child with the same name in the year who is behaving badly?? We suffered a bit as some parents didn't realise there were two mini yetanothers in the class.

MagicMojito Sat 09-May-15 18:37:17

Honestly they sound fucking awful! Ive no idea what I'd do in that situation, but I just wanted to let you know that yanbu.
flowers for you, and cake for your lovely boy.

What arseholes! angry

Want2bSupermum Sat 09-May-15 18:43:52

DD is in a school where in her class of 15 you have it all going on from a parent in jail with a drug addiction to a hedge fund owner. The class teacher does a great job of pairing up families for play dates and parties. I would speak to your DS's teacher about what has happened and how to proceed. Play dates are very important and I would also be concerned about social interactions. My concern would be around these parents telling their DC not to play with your DC. This makes it super hard for your DS to form friendships.

Approaching the parents directly isn't going to help your son unfortunately.

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