To think these parents are very rude?

[Pandorasaquarium8]

We moved ds at the end of his reception year from a failing school in our catchment area (which is slightly rough) to an outstanding school in a very middle class area (extremely low proportion of FSM and very high perfoming) Academically I don't regret it as he's come on massively and the other school had very low expectations but socially it's not so good.

From the word go the other parents were very standoffish. I can't help thinking it's because we are from out of the area and from an estate. They will literally blank me. Ds has been there since September and it's no better now than it was then. Sometimes some of the mothers will speak to me and other times they will literally walk past me without even acknowledging me at all. I'm not bothered about making friends but their attitude seems to filter through to their children. Ds isn't invited to any parties or play dates, I've tried to build bridges by arranging play dates myself but excuses have been made and no offer reciprocated. It's ds's 6th birthday soon and he's asked about 12 children to his party. Not one is coming. Apparently they are all busy. The party is five weeks away. They had plenty of notice, what's the chances they would all be busy.

Most of the mums stand together in a circle on the playground, occasionally they will look over and say something to each other. I know this sounds paranoid but that's truly what happens. I feel desperately sad for ds, he's a cheery little soul, very well behaved and a normal 5 year old little boy. At school the other children will play with him, it seems to be the parents that have the issue. It's made harder by the fact the other children mainly live in walking distance from each other and we are about four miles away. I just worry that ds is going to become more and more excluded.

One evening a mother was talking to me on the playground as we were the first ones there to fetch our dc. Another parent arrived and she literally turned her back on me mid conversation, as though she didn't want to be seen talking to me.

Aibu to think this is really really rude behaviour? I cannot believe how cliquey it all is!

[GatoradeMeBitch]

This happened to me, but I suppose kind of the opposite situation. I moved to quite a rough council estate from what was seen as a 'naice' area, and I would hear some of the other mums taking the piss out of my accent. I invited the whole class to a party and no-one even bothered to reply. They even made a big deal of singing 'Happy Birthday' to another kid in class and leaving DS out.

In the end, because DS was so excited about his party and I couldn't stand to think of him waiting for party guests who weren't going to arrive, I took him away instead. He'd always wanted to see Monkey World so we did that. He thought I'd cancelled the party for something better, he didn't know no-one was going to come.

[sparkysparkysparky]

What horrible people. I can be grumpy with the best of them at drop off time but I'd always make the effort with a newbie. At least a friendly smile.
There might be one friendly face among the herd of cows. Although you've yet to spot them.
So sorry.
Speak to the teacher. Try the PTA.
Not sure if drop off might be more productive. Any chance you could make that happen?

[NorksWar]

My god this breaks my heart. What horrible people. I'm dreading my son starting primary school in September.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

God I hate this. Your poor poor DS, and poor you as well.

I just do NOT understand why supposed "grown ups" feel the need to carry on pathetic playground politics, and worse, pass it on to their own children to perpetuate the awfulness.

I also think you should talk to the teacher about it because as the children get older, he may become ostracised at school as well.

For now, I think cancelling the party for a trip out would be an excellent idea - something really special that requires going away for the weekend, something that can't involve any of his "friends" - and then start him in out-of-school activities where he will meet children from other schools as well, not just his own (as that's not going to improve the situation).

Beavers, swimming club, martial arts (especially this one, actually), football - find him some other children with whom to associate and if you can, get involved yourself on a volunteer basis.

Bloody bitch mums at your school, there is just no word too low for people who will gang up on a small child.

[anothermakesthree]

Awful. I think the problem is some parents think that they have gone back to school & that it's about the children, not themselves.

This happened to a friend of mine. She tackled parents indivually with phone calls, re parties/play dates. It seemed to work!!! Also, get invved with the PTA.

[anothermakesthree]

Should say they forget it's about the children & not themselves! Freudian slip!

[Roussette]

Your poor little boy and you too. God some parents are horrible aren't they? Why on earth would they be like this, it's so so mean.

My DC's are older now but I do remember when I moved one of my DC's in about Yr4 due to moving and being 'frozen out'. I've never forgotten it, some Mums actually turned their backs on me when I walked into the playground - I was new, friendly, cheery and trying to be pleasant. Luckily it had no effect on my DC.

Thumbwitch's advice is really good. The only thing I can say is - it won't last but it IS horrible whilst it's happening. I do hope it gets better for you.

[Justusemyname]

I had this at our previous school. I wasn't the same as them. Ie ostentiously loaded, skinny, fake tanned, spending days spending hubby's money, fake posh accent.

I found it hard at first (especially as they had spoken to me for a bit) but then I realised I was a fool to want such shallow people as my friends. Since leaving the school I've heard it's all gone tits up with their precious little clique.

New school - normal parents who speak to everyone. I make a point of saying hello to every I see as much as possible and always speak to new parents. I know how daunting it can be.

I think we should have a MN virtual party for LittlePandoraBoy. I'll do the .

[CocktailQueen]

I second Thumbwitch's advice. Jeez, they sound absolutely horrible. I'd definitely have a word with the teacher - you don't want it affecting DS as well.

I'm not sure about joining the PTA or anything - if the mums are being this horrible then why set yourself up for more?

And yes, get your DS doing some extracurricular things so he can meet other kids - football for a non-school team, swimming, beavers.

for you - they sound bloody horrible.

[CombineBananaFister]

Adults are fucking awful - your poor Ds on his birthday, and you just know the kids would be happy to rock up and have fun because they are actually more mature. I would call them out on it and full on ask about everyone declining? and how hurtful it is, maybe show your cards and shame them - cant hurt seeing as they are being so rude anyway.

Is the balance between academic and emotional wellbeing better than at the previous school or is it just academic? it all counts IMHO

[Ledkr]

I think the school should hekl with this. Id imagine ofsted have inclusion covered in their exoectations.
I had this with dd1. I was single mum knew nobody and was literally ostracised.
Dd fejt it too and played up a bit which only made things worse.
I have no idea why to this day.
One day one of the slightly more friendky ones was talking to me and I mentioned that I was a social worker in a deputy managers role, she literally nearly passed out so Id imagine they had some of their own ideas about me!!

[stateoftheart]

What the fuck can the teacher do?

I don't think playdates are 'incredibly important'. With my first DC I spent hours in the playground making friends and cultivating friendships and play dates for my DS. With DC 3 and 4 I work full time. I never meet the other mums. I have invited some children for play dates but it doesn't get reciprocated. Oh well! My children have cousins and a few friends in the neighbourhood. They socialise all day at school.

The friendships I cultivated with DS1 are useless now he has moved to secondary. I don't see the great benefit for him of having those play dates, those friends are all but forgotten.

I really don't think it's a big deal OP. He has friends at school, that's the main thing.

[Aermingers]

That sounds really odd. Can you think of any sort of rumour someone might have spread about you?

[Carlywurly]

I feel really sad for you. What a load of biatches.

I'm rarely there for pick up but just smile at people indiscriminately when I am. I can't imagining ever blanking anyone who talked to me.

I'd also try the pfa and the like, I could imagine ours seeming cliquey to outsiders but they've always been lovely to me when I've been able to help out.

[robynhood]

Your face doesn't fit OP, simple as that.
If they are all sahms maybe they all meet up in their little clique that you probably wouldn't want to be a part of anyway.
Some schools are like this.
I'd be moving mine back to the original school as I know when it filters through to the dc they become unhappy.
I'm so sorry for your ds, it is awful and not a school i'd be happy with.
It doesn't always pay to move to a better school, sometimes you are better of sticking with your own type.

[IFinishedTheBiscuits]

Gatorade oh my goodness...

Actually that reminds me that on DS2's birthday I invited 20 kids from nursery and only four turned up. And most didn't even RSVP.
But luckily he had some of my friends' kids there - he barely knew some of them but at least they turned up! God people can be rude.
I also moved DS1 at the end of reception year but from a school where I was ostracised to one where the mums are much nicer. I was also aware of parties where most of the class apart from him, were invited. And he was well aware too. There was a back story although I'd never done anything wrong. DS certainly hadn't.
Not nice.

[todayisayesterdaystomorrow]

This is awful, but don't contact the parents, how anyway, how will you email or phone/text if you are not friendly then this info can't be available surely. I agree with pp to speak to the teacher. Good luck.

[todayisayesterdaystomorrow]

I agree with Robyn & it's the same for me, my face doesn't suit queen bee and all her followers. I know it sounds nasty, but it's true, I can feel it, I've don't nothing wrong that I know of. I am different I suppose and people look for similarity when selecting friends Imo. Also the fact that you don't do drop off and pick up as much means you won't have to see them too often, that can effect making friendly chit chat though.

[Schooladviceplease2015]

Fucking bitches!

This has backed up my feeling that catchment schools are a good option unless something terrible happens as you're all in the same boat.

I went to an out of catchment good school and lived in a very rough area. I always felt left out as it was the days of 'playing out'. However I did have friends and it was the absolute right decision by my parents as my education UNDOUBTEDLY benefited (more realistically because of the types of kids I was associating with rather than any possible outstanding teaching).

However I totally understand your decision as we're agonising over a similar one. This has added to the 'con' list! We live in a medium area though rather than rough so would prob make same decision as you.

My advice would be to definitely send out a very lovely text saying no one can make it - is there a date people can.

Also --- you can do this!! Def PT. Def get involved in every way poss. And....can you move there?!

[Schooladviceplease2015]

Also is there any research in terms of low percentage of FSM and attainment?

Our school has bottom level on FSM and extremely high attainment - BUT Ofsted has just ripped school apart in terms of teaching etc and it now RI...

[Pancakeflipper]

I always want to cry at threads when it's no one turning up to their birthday party.

Save your money from the party and like the others say go and have fun together with a real treat.

I found by year 2 parents can no longer engineer friendships as much. But I would have a quiet word with the teacher to just check your son is happy in school and friendships good (for my own sanity).

Fucking cliques.

[Pandorasaquarium8]

The party is actually at a venue nearer the school than me. I chose a venue nearer to them.
Our estate isn't scary scary rough, it's just not as nice as where they are. And it's a big estate, it's a village where the school is. It's crazy how different the catchment is only 4 miles apart.

I could contact them as they mainly texted me to say they weren't coming rather than actually speak to me. They rarely ever actually speak to me. I bumped into one mother outside of school and actually she was lovely and was chatting about how ds is getting on etc but once back at school ignores me again.

I have spoken to the teacher about ds having friends at school and apparently he does play with the others but I just worried as time goes on and he gets older the problem will become more entrenched. He still has friends from his old school and he's very friendly with my friend's dc which is nice.

It's a tough call really but academically the new school is so much better it would be a tough decision to move him back. Otoh the parents at the old school were really friendly and so were the children!

[Schooladviceplease2015]

Will get less and less entrenched, not more.

[Schooladviceplease2015]

Also yep - our village four miles away school is a diff WORLD. But having looked around it's so less to do with teaching.