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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these parents are very rude?

87 replies

Pandorasaquarium8 · 09/05/2015 14:50

We moved ds at the end of his reception year from a failing school in our catchment area (which is slightly rough) to an outstanding school in a very middle class area (extremely low proportion of FSM and very high perfoming) Academically I don't regret it as he's come on massively and the other school had very low expectations but socially it's not so good.

From the word go the other parents were very standoffish. I can't help thinking it's because we are from out of the area and from an estate. They will literally blank me. Ds has been there since September and it's no better now than it was then. Sometimes some of the mothers will speak to me and other times they will literally walk past me without even acknowledging me at all. I'm not bothered about making friends but their attitude seems to filter through to their children. Ds isn't invited to any parties or play dates, I've tried to build bridges by arranging play dates myself but excuses have been made and no offer reciprocated. It's ds's 6th birthday soon and he's asked about 12 children to his party. Not one is coming. Apparently they are all busy. The party is five weeks away. They had plenty of notice, what's the chances they would all be busy.

Most of the mums stand together in a circle on the playground, occasionally they will look over and say something to each other. I know this sounds paranoid but that's truly what happens. I feel desperately sad for ds, he's a cheery little soul, very well behaved and a normal 5 year old little boy. At school the other children will play with him, it seems to be the parents that have the issue. It's made harder by the fact the other children mainly live in walking distance from each other and we are about four miles away. I just worry that ds is going to become more and more excluded.

One evening a mother was talking to me on the playground as we were the first ones there to fetch our dc. Another parent arrived and she literally turned her back on me mid conversation, as though she didn't want to be seen talking to me.

Aibu to think this is really really rude behaviour? I cannot believe how cliquey it all is!

OP posts:

Mumzy · 09/05/2015 22:00

Usually there are other mums whose faces doesn't fit in these cliques and suffering in silence as well. Can you find them and suggest you all go to the park after school for an easy play date, then take it from there. I think in these circumstances its small steps in friendship building.

beezlebop · 09/05/2015 22:03

Me too, I used to hide in my car. Then I decided to create my own role as the slightly mad one and just tall to people. I have no close friends as such but can now find a friendly face. Ours is also a village school, and our problem stems from our perceived class as well I think.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 22:08

Perceived mad one! Ha!

beezlebop · 09/05/2015 22:08

Starlightbright1 · 09/05/2015 22:19

How awful for your DS.

Our PSA is very cliquey, not somewhere I would want to go though although generally a friendly enough bunch of parents.

AS the weather is getting brighter ( fingers crossed) is there a local park you could go to.

mandy214 · 09/05/2015 22:27

I think the PTA is a good idea. Does the school ask for volunteers to do reading / gardening club / walking bus? I'd volunteer for a while to get your face known and also to go an inside view of how your son plays / who his friends are.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 22:29

Anyway - what about governor?!

Haffdonga · 09/05/2015 22:51

This sounds so extreme it's hard to believe that there isn't something else going on. (Did your dc somehow jump the waiting list above other local dcs? Did you fake a religious conviction? Are you sleeping with the Chair of Governors?

Anyway, rhere are two different playground issues here - 1. DS's and 2.Yours. I wonder if you're blurring the two?

It sounds like your ds is happy, making friends and thankfully not very aware that he is being snubbed by the bitch-mums. If that's the case then with time, I'm sure the dcs themselves will resolve this issue. DS will become just another classmate and the other boys will want him at their parties and play dates. The bitch-mums will move on to a new victim perhaps the next non English speaking dc or one with behaviour problems

Your victmisation by the bitch-mums is a separate problem from DS. You don't need their friendship. For ds's sake you can smile sweetly and continue to contribute to the class cake sale.

But if ds notices the Bitch-Mums then I'd be confronting the ring leaders.

Pancakeflipper · 09/05/2015 22:55

Don't ever go for Governor role to encourage people chatting to you in the playground (except to tell you how ineffective you all are cos their Johnny hasn't gone up a reading group this year).

And if your child ever does something great that is recognised in school there's a cheery group of parents muttering "they only got recognition cos they are a Governor's kid."

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:01

Good point pancake - I'm just excited about possibly going for governor myself

beezlebop · 09/05/2015 23:10

Tbh, on the governor suggestion when we moved into the village the head suggested I go for governor so I did after much persuasion. It was a vote, so the clique all voted for their mate. I was mortified.

Purplepixiedust · 09/05/2015 23:18

This is heartbreaking. I really feel for you and your DS. I don't know what to suggest other than maybe get involved in school volunteering if you can bear it and cultivate friendships for your DS outside school ( beavers is great ).

I can't believe how awful some people can be and this really is cliquiness at it's worst. Makes me grateful for choosing our large catchment school. There are no cliques that I have come accross. With over 60 kids in DS's year alone, people serm to gravitate towards like minded souls and even the parents who aren't on the same wave lenth encourage friendships between the kids.

It might be worth speaking to the teacher you know. I know they can't solve the problem but they may have come accross similar situations before and have some suggestions.

Hugs. I hope things improve.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:26

Do you think though...if you were a bitch mum, in a strange little clique, that maybe they're just eternally grateful they're in the clique? And given how busy life is with kids don't have time to cultivate friendships with new blood?

Just thinking about our current school - I have my mum school mates and although I certainly wouldn't ever, ever be unkind I might not literally have that brain space for someone else to be on the radar?

And also...the invites to my mum school mates' kids' badges are a must and the ones whose names I don't recognise if we are maybe planning a weekend away that weekend I'll say 'no' rather than cancelling potential plans.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:26

Bdays not badges.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:27

Just playing devil's advocate here now.

Tice · 09/05/2015 23:28

I do sympathise with you - I went out of catchment to a Montessori pre-school for my ds1 and the mothers there were awful awful. I'd add my voice to the Beavers / after-school stuff, but personally I don't go for PTAs so I'd say be true to yourself on whatever you choose as being genuine will bear real fruit. I wish you strength when you are in the playground pot. Really feel for you and wish a breakthrough for you soon.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:29

And you did say they are friendly enough...I just know my life feels full up and I'd be dubious about anyone else for who to put birthdays on for, given I miss most of them as it is!

Although no excuse if they see you're being left out.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:30

On calendar for

Pancakeflipper · 09/05/2015 23:35

Schooladvisor - go for it and be a brilliant Gov. It is an experience. I am just growly and on my third glass of wine as I try to get Governors mtg agenda notes together.

Schooladviceplease2015 · 09/05/2015 23:37

Me too. Eating potato salad with tomato sauce as a result. Can't wait to apply! Any tips?

beezlebop · 09/05/2015 23:43

You need to canvas x

tomatodizzymum · 10/05/2015 00:34

Poor you, they do sound horrible. It sounds like there is no mix in the village, so unfortunatly they don't mix with outsiders. That's a big shame. I agree with Schooladviceplease2015. it really will get less entrenched as the children get older.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 02:19

Listen, if you still want to have a party for him on that date, then invite his old friends and the DC of your friends. It might seem odd that none of his new classmates are there, but he'll have a brilliant party, he'll be able to rave about it when he gets to school and the children there might wonder why they weren't able to go, and say so to their parents.

Did you give the invitations to the children themselves, or to their parents? If to the chidlren, then they will know that they weren't excluded by your DS at least.

sparkysparkysparky · 10/05/2015 08:28

If you can be there for a couple of drop offs you might see your ds playing with classmates. Which might give you a chance to get to know a parent of the child he is running about with. I know that doesn't suit for work but it might be worth seeing if it is doable now and again.

Hercule · 10/05/2015 09:47

It might have been a better idea to have stayed at the old school and volunteered to be a governor. Just saying.

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