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To send a message to OW's boyfriend?

(326 Posts)
SassyOlaf Wed 29-Oct-14 12:49:32

I have it all typed out and ready. She had a year long affair with my 'D'H and her boyfriend is still oblivious.

I just can't bring myself to press send

I would probably be the biggest bitch in the world but then again I wish someone had had the guts to tell me what was going on. It sucks to be the last one to know and I'm tired of being the 'bigger' person hmm

AppleSnapple Wed 29-Oct-14 12:52:51

Everyone on here usually says no, don't tell them, it's not your place to. I haven't been in this position thankfully but if it were me I would want to know, 100%. Why would you not?! I would be careful not to be sensitive though, insofar as this poor unsuspecting chap is as innocent in it all as you are.

Sorry you're in this predicament, hope you're ok.

squoosh Wed 29-Oct-14 12:52:57

Are you still with your husband? If so, direct your ire at him.

If you've ditched your husband then go ahead and press send.

calculatorsatdawn Wed 29-Oct-14 12:53:07

I don't think you have a duty to but if the boot were on the other foot would you want him to tell you? (I certainly would).

Keep it factual, don't say anything inflammatory. That way the effect is the same (ie he knows) but you are still the bigger person for not mud slinging.

pluCaChange Wed 29-Oct-14 12:56:01

Just make sure that it is a medium which sends messages through straight away. Facebook puts messages from non-"friends" into an "Other" folder that people rarely, if ever, check.

If you have decided to send the message, it would be a shame for you to be frustrated in your aim.

Leeds2 Wed 29-Oct-14 12:57:16

My friend got an anonymous letter telling her that her DH was having an affair. She confronted him, and he confessed. She said she was glad, if glad is the right word, to have been told.

WorraLiberty Wed 29-Oct-14 12:57:23

Christ, by text?

Have some compassion and at least speak to the man if you're going to turn his world upside down.

cherrybombxo Wed 29-Oct-14 12:58:19

Personally, I would want to know. I'd sent it but, as above, be succinct and don't get personal or nasty.

HamishBamish Wed 29-Oct-14 12:58:31

I was in a similar situation a long time ago and it was my boyfriend, not my husband. I ran into her and her fiancé (by accident, not design!) and the sheer look of terror on her face put me off saying anything. I don't know what happened with their relationship, but I do feel a bit guilty that her fiancé didn't know.

JeanSeberg Wed 29-Oct-14 12:59:53

Does he know who you are?

Hurr1cane Wed 29-Oct-14 13:02:17

Oh I don't know. I would want to know. It's horrible being the only one who doesn't know about an affair

Jackie0 Wed 29-Oct-14 13:04:45

I wouldn't.
I understand completely why you want to but I don't think you've anything to gain from it, other than a short lived feeling of revenge.
You don't know ( I assume) what the dynamics of their relationship are. You don't know what this man has in his head or heart. For example, what if he assaulted her?
What if he took an overdose ?
I know I'm being dramatic but you never know, and for what ?
You must have been through hell, I can't even imagine.

SassyOlaf Wed 29-Oct-14 13:08:44

No he doesn't know me, he does know my DH though.

DH and I have been on and off since I found out and I really don't think we will stay together.

Your comments are all really good, it was a pretty neutral note but there is one line I will delete as it was a bit catty and your right, I don't want to be nasty, just informative.

Thanks so much.

Meechimoo Wed 29-Oct-14 13:19:30

press send.
This is her karma.
And he should know.

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot Wed 29-Oct-14 13:32:08

Sent it. Why should these people get away with their cheating and fucking people over. And give the poor guy the chance to make a fully informed decision as to whether he wants to continue a relationship with a lying cheat or not.

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot Wed 29-Oct-14 13:32:35


2minsofyourtime Wed 29-Oct-14 13:34:32

I would want to know. He deserves to know

Milchardo Wed 29-Oct-14 13:36:34

Probably not the correct advice, but I would send a succinct message as well. If it were me, I'd be devastated by the news but ultimately I'd want to know.

TimeForAnotherNameChange Wed 29-Oct-14 13:38:00

Hell yes. I'd send an unemotional, factual message. Every time.

WorraLiberty Wed 29-Oct-14 13:39:39

What is it with Mumsnet and sending messages?

Does nobody speak to anyone any more?

Allhallowspeeve Wed 29-Oct-14 13:40:40

Send it. I can't believe you have waited so long tbh.

Keep it clear and concise.

carlsonrichards Wed 29-Oct-14 13:41:54

I would definitely send it. Press send and be done with it.

squoosh Wed 29-Oct-14 13:42:04

To be honest I think I'd rather receive a factual email/letter than have a stranger tell me face to face that their partner and my partner had been shagging.

Allhallowspeeve Wed 29-Oct-14 13:42:26

worral I'd send a text as it would be a very emotional phone call for me. Keeping it in written form lets you control the information.

I don't think I could be cool headed on this one.

sillymillyb Wed 29-Oct-14 13:44:15

I'd rather revive a message than be told face to face / on phone too. My reaction to that news would be private. I wouldn't want anyone else to be privy to it if you see what I mean?

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