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Strip club!

(646 Posts)

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 22:48:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DreamingofSummer Fri 29-Mar-13 22:49:29

What's the weather like today in black and white land?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Fri 29-Mar-13 22:52:57

I asked a male friend of mine who regularly visits lap dancing clubs how would he feel if his 25 yr old daughter started working in one. His response was that he wouldn't mind her dancing around a pole but wouldn't like her doing lap dances, never mind the VIP/private dances. He reckons there are 'clubs' and there are 'bad clubs' meaning what goes on in them. He should know, he's been to that many.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 29-Mar-13 22:54:40

I would divorce my DH if he sent he a Chippendale-o-gram. It would prove that he didn't know me at all.

I do really wonder at the people being so unsympathetic to a women who was fine with her DH going out, even though she has a young baby, gave him a nice birthday but draws the line at him paying a woman to be sexual with him. Either it is sexual, in which case wrong or not in which case why exactly are they doing it?

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 22:58:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NumericalMum Fri 29-Mar-13 23:02:56

I am very sympathetic MrsTerry but can't recommend breaking p a family after one idiotic moment by a drunken man?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 29-Mar-13 23:05:00

I wasn't referring to you Numerical smile I don't know if I would. I would be very hurt and angry and expect him to understand why. I don't think this is a woman breaking up a marriage, though. If he knew this was a deal breaker and in most marriages being sexual with another person is, HE did the breaking not her.

i understand that numericalmum, but then surely im giving the message that this kind of behaviour is acceptable? He has well and truely disrespected me + he was not thinking of r family unit when another lady shook her ass at him + stuck her tits in his face!!

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 23:06:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ok, so please help me, what would u suggest. Its easy giving advise when your not hurting and it's not u, remember that.

Darkesteyes Fri 29-Mar-13 23:15:52

everything ask him how he would feel if you shook yr boobs in the postmans face tomorrow morning.

FucktidiaBollockberry Fri 29-Mar-13 23:17:58

Your question was "what would u do"

Well, I would not want a man who goes to strip club and pays for lap dances in my bed or my home. He would not be a man who has values consistent with mine and with those I want my children brought up with, so out he would go.

I don't care what other women would do, if they're married to weak five year olds, that's up to them, I personally would not find someone with the moral integrity of a weak five year old sexually, intellectually or emotionally attractive, but each to her own - some women find pathetic losers knee-tremblingly gorgeous, some women fancy Jeremy Clarkson - there's no accounting for taste

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 23:27:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whataguy Fri 29-Mar-13 23:27:50

I suggest making him do all the work at reconciliation now, just be extremely cool and maybe keep it out of the house for a couple of weeks, so that it really sinks in. See how much effort he makes and what exactly he says, whether it comes across as hearfelt. If he really didn't enjoy it for one minute (as he said), then possiblt there is something to save.

whataguy Fri 29-Mar-13 23:30:24

surely she should put her foot down now, not let it go as if it didn't affect her, she's very upset, kot! It is even worse than other cases because his wife just had a baby fgs, must really feel like betrayal when she's so vulnerable angry.

Lovecat Fri 29-Mar-13 23:33:28

What I'd do?

Pretty much what you've already done. And be looking up divorce lawyers. I couldn't be with someone who a) didn't respect me b) showed so little respect to women in general. That you have a newborn just compounds the yuck factor.

You know your relationship and your boundaries best, OP. I wouldn't allow his family to make you feel like you're overreacting.

Lessthanaballpark Fri 29-Mar-13 23:34:11

LOL at thought of someone fancying Jeremy Clarkson.

On a "what would you do" note, I would convey to him how hurt you are and betrayed you feel and tell him you respect him less as you didn't think he was that kind of man.

But I wouldn't leave him if you are happy in every other aspect of your relationship.

everydayaschoolday Fri 29-Mar-13 23:34:36

Everything you're Q should not be 'what would u do' but rather like your last post 'what do u suggest'. We're all different with different boundaries.

What do I suggest? - I think you should talk to him. You need to establish if you can see yourself moving on from this, and regaining trust and respect in due course.

whataguy Fri 29-Mar-13 23:35:08

I meant, keep HIM out of the house

Lessthanaballpark Fri 29-Mar-13 23:37:31

And definitely impress upon him how gross it is that you were tending to your newborn whilst he was getting his rocks off with another woman.

kotinka Fri 29-Mar-13 23:47:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aldiwhore Fri 29-Mar-13 23:54:01

op whatever I think, or whatever anyone else thinks, on this issue you are utterly alone I'm sorry, because 'we' can only give our take on it, based on the relationships we are in (or not in).

The question is not AYBU, but more, what is acceptable to you? Worst case scenario, you split with your DH forever. Is that what will make you feel that justice has been served? If so, go for it. If not, when will you feel that it's worth working through? (Given that you're fuming now and would happily roast him alive, that would be very unreasonable by the way) How much time do you think you'll need? Your hurt is immediate and will last a while. The 'punishment' isn't doing anything to resolve this, it's just kicking him into the doghouse whilst you collect your thoughts. (I disagree with you on the whole 'send him to his mothers' issue, but it's not MY life, I do however agree that there needs to be a period of silence while you both think).

You ask, AIBU to evict a person from their own home when they've done something the other finds seriously offensive and hurtful? You'll get many saying you haven't gone far enough, you'll get many saying you've gone way too far. As an adult in an otherwise loving relationship you need to try and find a way to resolve this. It's not a 'new' problem, married couples have faced these things for years, but it's not one with a solid answer either, the question is, is this out of character for him? That is key.

Coould his actions fall under your 'mitigating circumstances' radar, as in, not acceptable, not immediately forgiveable, but not a deal breaker either? He's a man, and that is not a dismissive statement. He's a grown up, he's also human, he's fucked up. He needs to show you he's sorry, prove he understands that whatever reason, his behaviour has deeply hurt you and he needs to accept he fucked up. I don't think what he did was okay. I also think that sometimes humans do the stupidest of things, especially when they fall on your lap (no pun intended), and if you're in a really good relationship, you take time to make it up, and you try and work through it, which requires YOU to find a point of forgiveness, and mostly, requires time.

Only you can decide whether you can or can't. Only he can decide if it's worth taking the shit for.

I'll be the first to say LTB if he does it again.

kotinka Sat 30-Mar-13 00:00:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomethingOnce Sat 30-Mar-13 00:04:58

What does his mother think about her DS getting a lap dance while her DIL is at home with newborn GD?

Darkesteyes Sat 30-Mar-13 00:11:27

kotinka if he had taken a gun and shot someone because his mates had demanded that he do it, he would be serving the prison sentence not them.
He is responsible for his own actions.

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