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AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

(348 Posts)
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 11-Jul-11 19:42:18

sad - i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head sad

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

AgentZigzag Mon 11-Jul-11 19:44:35

If you said it just in your head then no, YANBU smile

Don't feel too bad about it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 11-Jul-11 19:46:22

Honestly I didn't say it outloud - I wouldn't do that (I think)

I feel stuipid because I feel like crying and I can't believe that a silly little 14 year old could make me cry with horrid nasty comments.

allegrageller Mon 11-Jul-11 19:46:28

yanbu and indeed very reasonable for not saying it out loud!!

Northernlurker Mon 11-Jul-11 19:46:59

Ah well yes yabu to say it out loud but who cares what you say in your head grin

I have a 13 year old and whilst mostly delightful yes sometimes she is AWFUL!

You just have to try and move past it. I tend to get dh involved and try and back off because we just spark of each other whereas she can work better with dh. Obviously he follows the same line as me - just a different voice saying it and yes that BLOODY ANNOYS ME TOO! grin
Does she have an allowance? If not I would give her one and make it clear she has to pay for art etc out of it (make it a decent one). That has really helped us with dd - she manages her own money and nobody feels taken for granted.
O and yes I embarass dd as well. She still borrows my handbags though.....

BBwannaB Mon 11-Jul-11 19:47:06

You didn't say it out loud so you are NBU. Teenagers are so self centred and you showed great self control. I expect she is disappointed that you can't go and let the emotion out as anger, a bit like the toddler days when they are vile to you all the way home from nursery because they missed you so much. I'm sure she will feel bad and come around after a while.

janajos Mon 11-Jul-11 19:48:05

I expect she is disappointed that you can't be there and this is her hideous teen-age way of expressing it! Don't take it personally, maybe wait for a while and then go and see her and say how sad you are not to be able to make it and how you are very sorry to have let her down. She doesn't mean to be selfish, she just is at the moment and needs some guidance to steer her through to normal thinking patterns.

After you have had the softly softly discussion, you can then tell her how hurt you were by her rudeness to you of course!grin

bellavita Mon 11-Jul-11 19:50:52

sad poor you.

Remind her how vile she has been to you next time she needs a lift or some more supplies.

I hope she feels remorseful when she has had time to think about how awful she has been to you.

purepurple Mon 11-Jul-11 19:52:26

YANBU to say this in your head. I have a 14 DD too.

youmeatsix Mon 11-Jul-11 19:54:47

sorry but i dont think "its how teenagers are" etc
if one of mine had spoken to me like that i would have reminded them there and then all i did for them and how they had made me feel,
i have 3 teens, and whilst no angels, they wouldnt speak to me in that way

so sorry OP
you showed great restraint, but i do think you should tell her how she made you feel, give her the opportunity to apologize, if she doesnt, make it clear, next time there will be repercussions (threat of phone being taken away is usually sufficient)

Sparkletastic Mon 11-Jul-11 19:56:27

Is she extremely anxious about the exhibition? Doesn't excuse it but might explain it. I'd talk to her when you feel calm enough to manage her and your emotions. YANBU BTW...

Letz Mon 11-Jul-11 20:03:14

If that's the worst she's ever said to you I'd think myself very lucky LOL!

LeQueen Mon 11-Jul-11 20:04:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

well, LeQ, that does imply a little, that the OP is responsible for her DD behaving like a complete little shit.

I think that's a tad harsh. I work with teenagers. It doesn't always take much for them to be utterly full of crap and disrespect - out of nowhere. And it doesn't imply lax parenting.

Did you mean the post to come across as such?...

purepurple Mon 11-Jul-11 20:10:09

LeQueen You have a very black and white view of the world there. Do you have any teenagers?

AgentZigzag Mon 11-Jul-11 20:13:26

Just speaking from how I was at 14, I was definately not allowed to get away with any bad behaviour (and was very nice until I hit my teens) but that didn't stop me from becoming a shrieking/pouting/stroppy/outrageously rude minefield of emotions.

thefirstMrsDeVere Mon 11-Jul-11 20:13:47

I have always been strict with my DS about manners and showing respect for others.

And guess what? He hit about 15 and started carrying on like he had been dragged up in a crack den.

I hold my hands up. I used to think that kids didnt get like that overnight. I even said it to OH on several occassions. I cringe at that now.

He has calmed down now. He is 17 and our relationship is getting so much better. But he doesnt live at home anymore.

OP I got a really good tip once. When they start spitting and snarling at you imagine you have a crash helmet on and you pull the visor down.

Its suprisingly helpful.

AgentZigzag Mon 11-Jul-11 20:16:18

'When they start spitting and snarling at you imagine you have a crash helmet on and you pull the visor down.'

<<takes notes>> grin

At that age I think of it as a mother cat batting her kittens away when they get old enough to be more independent and move out.

LeQueen Mon 11-Jul-11 20:16:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz Mon 11-Jul-11 20:19:29

What MrsdeVere said (only mine went off the rails at 13 sad). Teenagers can be horrible - I have two who would never speak to me like that, but I take no credit for it, they are just nice kids.

But, reading your op, it was only when you said you couldn't go that she made the comment about being embarrassed by you hmm. When I first read your post it seemed to me that she had wanted you to go, was disappointed that you weren't going to bother (in her head you aren't bothering, even though you are working), and therefore she said something hurtful to hide the fact that she was disappointed.

It seems to me that she wants you to go, so imo you are being unreasonable to be upset by this.

I have learned to ignore an awful lot over the last few years. Turn up for the party, she will have forgotten it all by then.

Andrewofgg Mon 11-Jul-11 20:19:40

She's just 14 and female. Get over it. My niece when in her teens gave my sister the same hell my sister gave my mother and i had no sympathy at all for my sister who had it coming to her. OP, what were you like at her age?

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 11-Jul-11 20:21:56

But a generation ago very few children spoke to any adult like that - or at least not without a clip round the ear/some serious punishment. But of course, clips round the ear etc are not acceptable...

Teenagers push the boundaries all the time, it's part of growing up and establishing thier own identities/coping with raging hormones. Most come out the other side as decent adults.

MsTeak Mon 11-Jul-11 20:22:02

But what did you say outloud? Nothing? Why not?

LeQueen Mon 11-Jul-11 20:22:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 11-Jul-11 20:23:24

well i was terrible as a teenager! But that doesn't mean i don't feel hurt at nasty comments directed at me by mine!

I've a bloody good mind not to go even if I don't have to work on Friday. But I will of course.

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