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to only invite one of a pair of twins to a birthday party?

(171 Posts)
humptydumptynumptymumpty Thu 09-Jun-11 20:04:43

Dd is friends with one of a pair of identical twins. Last year I asked her who she wanted to invite and, being a crappy wohm didn't know who most of them were, just sent invites into school with the names on she'd said.

So one was brought by her mum... with her twin in tow looking a bit sad. Felt awful, but totally accidental.

This year, obv I know better - but the party is a bit tight for numbers, and really dd has to choose between inviting someone she's friends with and inviting the twin that she doesn't actually play with.

Anyone know what you do in this situation? Anyone with twins got an opinion?? (They're all 7 btw)

nancy75 Thu 09-Jun-11 20:06:26

watching with interest - we are in the same situation!

menopausemum Thu 09-Jun-11 20:08:54

I am the mother of identical twins. We loved it when only one twin was invited as it showed they were seen as individuals. Plus we didn't have to buy two birthday prezzies! Seriously, we have always preferred our girls to have their own friends so that they are never called 'the twins' but always known by their own names.

troisgarcons Thu 09-Jun-11 20:09:01

My son is friends with one twin - the twins have different parties and he only goes to one party.

On the rare occassion they have a joint party - each twin gets to invite the same amount of guests and the invitation comes from one twin, not both.

A clever mum there, not treating them as the same entity.

Yekke Thu 09-Jun-11 20:09:57

<<hands out hard hats to humpty and nancy>>

I know what I'd do. But it won't be the popular choice!

<<snatches hard hat back and claps it on own head>>

valiumbandwitch Thu 09-Jun-11 20:11:38

Oh my God have you no common sense at all.

NO. You can't do that and feel good about it. It's stupid.

If one was a boy and one was a girl it'd be different but you can not seriously be asking if you can ask ONE identical twin and not the other!

MilaMae Thu 09-Jun-11 20:13:26

Mum of 7 year old twins,just invite the one she's friends with.

Being a twin shouldn't give you preferential treatment. All kids will have parties they're not invited too,really bad for twins to think they should get invited to everything just because they're a twin,real life isn't like that.

I have a dd a year younger than said twins and she has to poke up with not getting invites to things they go to regularly. She's only 6 and it doesn't bother her at all.Doesn't bother my twins either.I actually think it's good for them ie knowing they have to work at friendships,people like different people,that they're individuals etc.

I tend to do something nice with the stay at home twin,quite enjoy it actually.

cat64 Thu 09-Jun-11 20:14:04

Message withdrawn

beesimo Thu 09-Jun-11 20:14:12

I had lad/lass twins

DS would not of cared if he wasn't invited with his twinny

DD would of gone into total melt down and I would of crossed other Mam off!

Yekke Thu 09-Jun-11 20:15:01

What's lacking in common sense about it Valium? (Serious question). It may not meet with your idea of PC or acceptable but I don't quite get why the OP's common sense is being questioned.

stealthsquiggle Thu 09-Jun-11 20:15:24

It sort of depends if they are old enough to be dropped off. Do you know the mother at all - could you talk to her? I would guess she must be OK about only one twin being invited, otherwise the invited twin wouldn't have come last year.

I have the opposite problem - DD is friends with twins (boy & girl) and wants to invite them both to play. I don't do playdates with more than one guest. I am stalling.

iEmbarassedMyself Thu 09-Jun-11 20:18:17

I'd ask their mother about her opinion on it. If she doesn't think it's a big issue, then just invite one. If it is an issue for her then invite them both.

valiumbandwitch Thu 09-Jun-11 20:18:34

Because the child who's not invited actually lives in the same house as the child who IS invited, and will have his nose rubbed in the fact that he's not invited. It's really insensitive. It's not the same as leaving out a child in the class. The mother or father will have to drop off one child and say to the other x invited your brother but not you. Hope you're ok with that pet! and if you're not, well don't worry, at least it proves they see you as separate entities hmm even though that was never in doubt.

Honestly, it's common sense. Are you going to risk really hurting a child and rubbing their nose in it just to prove that you are treating the twins differently.

It reminds me of the parents raising the genderless child, truly believing they're doing the right thing but totally lacking common sense.

stealthsquiggle Thu 09-Jun-11 20:19:36

valium - but that would be the same with any siblings - are you suggesting only inviting only children or whole groups of siblings hmm?

Fuctifano Thu 09-Jun-11 20:21:40

Not a mum of twins but an identical twin myself. Dsis and I have always been very close but both hated being reduced to one of "the twins", we tried our best to look less alike - one with short hair one with long, different taste in clothes etc. We would have been delighted that we were thought of as unique and seperate people. We hated getting sympathy/polite invites as we had no choice but to go if someone had been so well intentioned. Might be a PITA for the mum but as Mila says she might relish some quality time with the stay at home twin.

stealthsquiggle Thu 09-Jun-11 20:21:52

Also - Valium - they are 7 - easily old enough to talk about who is friends with whom - the implication of the OP's DD only being friends with one of them is that they have different friends - so will get invited to different parties.

Unless other twin has issues and is never invited to anything (which is why I would be inclined to talk to their mother) then the situation will be the other way around at some point.

needanewname Thu 09-Jun-11 20:22:14

Would you invite all siblings to the party valium? My initial reaction would be to agree with you, but how would that child feel knowing they were only invited because they were a twin.

If I was the parent I would take the opportunity to do something nice with the twin not invited, I'm sure there will be other parties.

OP maybe the other twin was looking sad last year as they didn;t want to be there

thisisyesterday Thu 09-Jun-11 20:22:48

but it's ok if they're boy/girl twins valium or if they're different ages?

you're talking crap

OP... invite the children your child is friends with!

jellybeans Thu 09-Jun-11 20:22:57

YABU I think. It's not about treating them as a pair or set, it is just abit different with twins unless only one is a friend. I have 8 year old twin boys and once, when they were about 6, one got invited to a party and the other didn't, he cried all the way home. Luckily, as they are in a small class almost every invite has involved them both being invited. I think most mums would invite both. It is obviously going to upset the other one. i would say for under 8 or 9s YABU to only invite one.

MilaMae Thu 09-Jun-11 20:23:14

Valium I have twins,my sister has twins,countless friends of mine have twins you're talking tosh.

So all siblings should go then?

When does it stop-13,18????

News flash being a twin aint anything special.It's just 2 kids born on the same day(just siblings if non identicals).My sister's twins are 3 and identical,very close-believe me they'd cope.The whole world doesn't fall in if you don't go to your brother's party.

My boys have been doing it for a long time and have never even shed a tear. They'd get short thrift if they did.

nancy75 Thu 09-Jun-11 20:24:30

can I just add that there are 11 sets of twins in dd's year - this is potentially 11 children she doesn't play with.
this year she is having a party with 10 children, 3 of the children she wants to invite have twins, she doesn't play with any of the siblings

MumblingRagDoll Thu 09-Jun-11 20:28:10

My sis has twins who are in year 2 and she positively encourges seperate friendships...she knows that one is more in need of independance than the other.

MilaMae Thu 09-Jun-11 20:28:13

Also kids aren't daft.

My boys are in different classes and both went to a party this weekend.The mum kindly invited both even though bday boy is only friends with one.The twin he wasn't that friendly with had a fab time but felt a bit on the sidelines as it was the other twins class at said party not his.

I actually doubt most 7 year olds would choose to go to a party of somebody they don't actually play with.

Yekke Thu 09-Jun-11 20:28:54

Oh dear, just as I thought, it's being mooted that we can't upset poor little Johnny and he can't possibly accept that the world doesn't revolve around him and that he must accept that he can't have something just because someone else does.

My children are very close in age, they live in the same house and I could argue as you do. I'd be rude to do it to the mother of the party child, but I could. Id be senseless to instill into my children a sense of entitlement too.

<<superglues hard hat to head>>

MumblingRagDoll Thu 09-Jun-11 20:28:56

11 sets Nancy? shock HOw maky kids are there? There must be a lot!

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