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Really think I made a mistake getting pregnant

(96 Posts)
userfame Wed 06-Apr-11 19:17:13

I am not sure how to articulate this without offending people but I am 2 months pregnant and feeling horribly trapped and regretful. I am married and we wanted a child, although in hindsight I wonder how much thought we put into it. I previously had a miscarriage and I think my mindset was focussed on getting pregnant with little thought for what follows.
We're both older, in our mid thirties, and have a pretty great life. I happen to be in a career that I love and I earn a lot which I know is a privilege and I appreciate it. I have worked for years to get where I am in a cut throat industry and I am dreading the effect of maternity leave on my career. The net effect of all of that is that we lead pretty selfish lives and enjoy ourselves. I absolutely accept that any one reading this would be perfectly entitled to call me selfish and remind me that I made a choice and now I am stuck with it.
I'm constantly tired, constantly nauseous and constantly going to the loo. I know that any rational response would be that it's just pregnancy I amn't enjoying and when a child comes along that it'll all change. I don't know why, and I wish I didn't, but I only feel dread about a child coming and how life will change.
I'm posting this on the off chance someone else feels/felt the same and maybe their experience turned out ok.

OP’s posts: |
AuntiePickleBottom Wed 06-Apr-11 19:20:56

perhaps it's just cold feet, mixed with panic and fear.

i felt the same i was over the moon when 2 lines came up, but then a few weeks later i started having doubts.

my ds is now coming up 5 and i would not change him for the world

nethunsreject Wed 06-Apr-11 19:22:18

I think it is normal to worry about how much your life will change. Plus, you feel bloody rotten which messes with your head.

I blew hot and cold during both my pgs. I have a 4 yr old and a 10mth old now and they are the absolute light of my life. I cannot begin to articulate how much they mean to me. They are hard work and drive me crazy, but they are fabulous.

Tbh, if anyone really, really thought it through, we would have died out as a species! They are worthwhile, really they are.

Your life will not be the same, but it will be good in a different way.

RhinestoneCowgirl Wed 06-Apr-11 19:24:16

I think it's normal to have doubts, but if your feelings are feeling really overwhelming it may be worth speaking to someone - some women get antenatal depression (as opposed to PND which is more well known).

FABsBackAndIsWell Wed 06-Apr-11 19:27:27

TBH DH and I put more thought into getting a hamster than we did having a baby. It has been difficult for various reasons but I don't regret having them. Use MN as a sounding board so you don't feel alone and keep everything inside. I hope the sickness passes very soon.

Jux Wed 06-Apr-11 19:30:57

How's you dh feeling? Have you told him how you're feeling?

GingerWrath Wed 06-Apr-11 19:32:12

I was exactly the same, was 34 when I caught. I thought 'OMG what have we done' throughout the whole pregnancy. But dd is 4 and a half and is an absolute joy. I didn't really enjoy the baby phase but the more response you get the better it becomes.

You DO get a life back, and it happens quicker than you think because for some unknown reason, time speeds up when you have a child.

nethunsreject Wed 06-Apr-11 19:32:27

Lol at FAB!
Yep, more planning involved setting up our aquarium.

larakitten Wed 06-Apr-11 19:33:10

When I was pregnant with my DD, I could have written your post. Married 7 years, financially sound, both in good jobs.

I was terribly ill with severe hyperemesis through my pregnancy, but what made it worse was that I bled from 6 weeks to 17 weeks......had to be scanned every week and couldn't bond with the pregnancy at all because I was convinced I was going to miscarry. This got to the point that I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy. I was terrified that I had made the biggest mistake in my life, that we were fine as we were and didn't need this worry or change to our lifestyle. (Looking bad, I feel so selfish saying that)

What made me carry on was the look on my DHs face after I had a massive bleed, was scanned and told the baby was ok but he was utterly terrified I was going to terminate and said that he didn't know whether to be relieved that the baby was ok or not. I just felt that I had made a terrible mistake, was going to ruin our lives and/or put us through hell by miscarrying.

I just didn't feel like I could carry on.........but I did, despite my pregnancy turning very high risk and almost losing DD at birth, twice, and her subsequent serious illness.

Now? She's the reason I get out of bed in the morning. She's the light of my life, and worth every minute of pain, worry, heartache. I would do it all again....FOR HER. We decided to stop at one child as the risks to me, for both my mental and physical health would be too great to go through another pregnancy.

In hindsight, I was suffering badly with pregnancy symptoms and hormones, and a terrible case of cold feet; the fear of the unknown. Yes, our lives are very different as I gave up work to be a SAHM, but you know? Its great. I don't miss work, I spend all my time with my lovely 3yr old DD and I wouldn't change it.

Yes, its been challenging, soul destroying and bloody hard work, but its also been the most amazing 3 years of my life.

Good luck.

hairfullofsnakes Wed 06-Apr-11 19:34:03

Try not to worry too much - it's normal to feel scared and worried. The first few months of a first pregnancy are so weird as your body is experiencing so many changes! Nurture yourself, go away with your partner for a break and get things done around the house and nest!

Life will change but you are so blessed to be pregnant and healthy - try to focus on that. When your baby comes and you experience a love like no other and join the mummy club all will be better! ;)

mrswoodentop Wed 06-Apr-11 19:35:30

There was an almost identical thread to this a couple of months ago,maybe only a month.I would do a search .

I am sure you are not alone

bubblecoral Wed 06-Apr-11 19:35:41

When I got pg with dc2 I was devastated. Ds1 was a handful and I didn't think I had it in me to to that great a Mum to one child, let alone two. I thought about abortion. I didn't want to give my body over to another baby when I had only just got it back after the first one. I dreaded the arrival of dc2 up until my last trimester when I began to realise that it was goin to happen and I just had to accept it.

When he was born, I didn't feel the same rush of love and adoration that I had for ds1, but I did feel fiercely protective. Then over the next week or so, I fell in love with him, and that process was possibly better than felling the initial rush that people describe.

It all worked out ok. Better than ok. I genuinely wouldn't want our family dynamic to be any different to the way it is. Dc2 is awesome!

It's scary making such a big change to your life, but the chances are that you wil love you baby when he/she arrives, and you will be happy to make any sacrifices because your outlook on life and your whole perspective of things will change. You will cope, and if you need extra support, it's there if you look for it.

You will be ok smile

washnomore Wed 06-Apr-11 19:36:18

Oh I so felt the same way as you. The first 4 months of my first pregnancy absolutely sucked, it was a bleak, miserable time.

The pregnancy itself will be easier to cope with when you have something to show for it - a bump, a wriggly baby to feel. Afterwards, well, you won't have time to think about it grin

It is a blessing, that's beyond doubt, but YANBU to feel negative about it too. It's basically the biggest leap of faith ever.

Keep posting, and I second whoever said see your GP if your feelings worsen or are very persistent.

SleepySheep Wed 06-Apr-11 19:36:46

I can sympathise completly. My emotions towards having a baby swung to either end of the spectrum throughout my pregnancy and labour! I still have moments (my ds is 16 months old) when i wonder if we did the right thing - which i know will probably anger a lot of people, but then he'll smile at me or reach out for a hug and say mummy and my whole world melts and i realise how lucky i am to be able to be someone's mum. I love him more than i ever thought possible and wouldn't change him for the world.

I agree that you must keep talking, you're never alone with anything you're thinking, there's always someone xx

Onetoomanycornettos Wed 06-Apr-11 19:36:55

I cried for a week when I found out I was pregnant first time. I didn't feel truly delighted about it the whole pregnancy and I felt ill much of the time, even though I had planned to have a baby. Luckily I have found out that although my body and mind doens't love being pregnant, I do love being a mum an enormous amount. I think it is normal (or at least not unusual) to have mixed feelings on that type of life change, especially with all the hormones swilling around. I do believe, in hindsight, I probably had pre-natal depression (i.e. before the baby) and was highly anxious in the pregnancies, but as I say, this didn't carry on after the births and I now relish my two and think about having more on a frequent basis!

HandMini Wed 06-Apr-11 19:37:41

I definitely understand some of what you're saying, but reassuringly, I found all these fears diminished a lot as pregnancy continued (I'm now 33 wks pregnant with first baby). I found early part of pregnancy very stifling, difficult (mentally rather than physically) and worried a lot about our home, work etc. I was also terrified of the idea of birth and looking after a newborn. All of this has decreased hugely over time and now I feel way more positive and happy about the whole experience. I think you should be gentle on yourself at the beginning - it is a huge life shift and it's a good thing pregnancy is such a long haul to get yourself used to it. Good luck and I hope (and am sure) you will be more positive soon.

CheshireDing Wed 06-Apr-11 19:38:13

I can understand User, DH and I had a miscarriage last year with our first planned for baby. After that I did not want to try again and thought maybe we should get another dog or something (or a horse) and that we had been mad to decide to try for a baby anyway.

We are 34 and have travelled lots and enjoy our lifestyle. I don't want us to have to use posh hotels, I like backpacking but not sure how conducive to a baby this is.

I am now 13 weeks pregnant (planned once I got my head round it again) but even after seeing the positive test I though "s**t" and even when people have asked me if I am pleased I am but then I have panicked because maybe they thought I was not pleased and that I should be all gushy about it.

Hence you see I think confusion is abounds when pregnant. Today I am really looking forward to it. In a month I might change my mind if the nausea, ridiculous weight gain and sleepyness does not go away. Plus I have to wait for my horse

PommePoire Wed 06-Apr-11 19:38:16

lara- really honest well written post. Thank you. Hope userfame finds it supportive.

QuoththeRaven Wed 06-Apr-11 19:38:26

i felt like i had made a huge mistake all through my second pregnancy. my doubts only ended when i was holding my dd in my arms. Even while i was waiting to be taken in for my elc i was thinking "oh god i've made a huge mistake"

its completely normal. life does change but in a completely fantastic way

fedupofnamechanging Wed 06-Apr-11 19:40:20

Some women feel really rough during the early stages of pg, and it's maybe hard to feel excited when you are feeling sick and trying to do your job at the same time. Remember that your hormones are all over the place and it's natural to be scared when facing a big life change.

I also think it's natural to worry about your career. Given that you are only 2 months gone, you have plenty of time to work out the logistics regarding childcare and I think you might feel better once you have definite plans in place. i think if I'd had my first in my 30's I'd be worried about the life changes too.

Things tend to slot into place in the end, so try not to worry too much

loler Wed 06-Apr-11 19:42:25

I was driving home tonight with the lovely sunny evening thinking how lovely it would be to be sitting in a beer garden with dh but instead heading for the dreaded bedtime routine - I think everyone with dc wants to be selfish sometimes and wishes for a time without dc, if you didn't you wouldn't be normal.

In 18 years we'll be crying over our empty nests............

yonker Wed 06-Apr-11 19:43:12

YANBU, I was 39 and we had been married for 19 years when my son was born. He was planned and wanted but we had spent many years happy being childless, having a really good life - probably much the same as yours. I then had a miscarriage not knowing I was pregnant, and that made our minds to try and have a baby. I conceived within a couple of months of first trying and although happy my first thought was Oh God, now we have done it - no going back! It was a very panicky first couple of months. I have now been a SAHM for 6 years, (something I could never have imagined before), and my life has changed beyond all recognition - but ALL for the better. As everyone else says, they are wonderful from the moment they arrive. I really hope (am sure actually) that it will be the same for you. Could go on for hours about how great my life is now but is bath time!

millie30 Wed 06-Apr-11 19:44:02

I was very unhappy in my pregnancy. I was in an abusive situation, the baby was unplanned and I felt utterly trapped. My body also appeared to turn against me as soon as I conceived, I had hyperemisis til about 28 weeks, recurring urine infections and gestational diabetes.

I felt guilty because I was supposed to be glowing and enjoying this wonderful time, and instead I spent most of my time with my head in the toilet and wishing I could just disappear. I had no idea how I was going to cope with a baby, felt completely disconnected to my bump and thought I would fail as a mother.

But then my DS was born and within seconds of pushing him out I felt the healthiest I had done for 9 months, and a rush of pure love for this little bundle. He became my reason for living and I've never looked back since.

Take your time to make the right decisions for you OP, but remember than it can get better. Good luck.

hairylights Wed 06-Apr-11 19:46:18

Exactly WHY does mat leave have to affect your career?

Portofino Wed 06-Apr-11 19:47:12

I was a bit similar. Dd came as a bit of a surprise - I was 34 and DH was 45. We'd kind of given up on the idea. I did suffer a bit when dd was first born, and felt a lot of resentment that my life had turned upside down, but that lasted only a couple of months I think. The overwhelming sense of responsibility and sheer FEAR was the worst thing as I recall.

As I got in to the whole mummy thing I relaxed a lot and by the end of my 6 month's ML I was in no hurry to get back.

Dd is 7 now and is the light of our lives. You can still do things even with a baby. In the early days we took it in turn to go out, then got a good babysitter. We still did/do holidays and weekend breaks. Dd went to a very good creche.

I find pleasure in simpler things now though I think. Not worried about having a wow social life though we do still go out. We swapped posh hotels for Eurocamp and still have a fab time. It's great to go on days out and see things through a child's eyes again. And you feel so PROUD at every milestone - smiling/talking/walking/reading/riding a bike/learning to swim etc. It is a feeling like nothing else.

You will be fine and a lovely mummy! The very fact that you are thinking about it so much shows that you want to do a good job I think.

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