Really think I made a mistake getting pregnant

[userfame]

I am not sure how to articulate this without offending people but I am 2 months pregnant and feeling horribly trapped and regretful. I am married and we wanted a child, although in hindsight I wonder how much thought we put into it. I previously had a miscarriage and I think my mindset was focussed on getting pregnant with little thought for what follows.
We're both older, in our mid thirties, and have a pretty great life. I happen to be in a career that I love and I earn a lot which I know is a privilege and I appreciate it. I have worked for years to get where I am in a cut throat industry and I am dreading the effect of maternity leave on my career. The net effect of all of that is that we lead pretty selfish lives and enjoy ourselves. I absolutely accept that any one reading this would be perfectly entitled to call me selfish and remind me that I made a choice and now I am stuck with it.
I'm constantly tired, constantly nauseous and constantly going to the loo. I know that any rational response would be that it's just pregnancy I amn't enjoying and when a child comes along that it'll all change. I don't know why, and I wish I didn't, but I only feel dread about a child coming and how life will change.
I'm posting this on the off chance someone else feels/felt the same and maybe their experience turned out ok.

[PenguinArmy]

I had a complete mourning for the life I was going to lose. Now DD is there I can't imagine her not being and I still most of the things we did, just a bit less so. I really regretted getting pg.

She is 13 months but we have moved countries for a job I got (and wrote up my PhD), I climb at least once a week still (now it's getting lighter I am going outside again so twice a weeks some weeks). We have a weekend away once every 2 months and have done since the early summer. I run once a week and we go out every weekend just for lunch or to the park. I even BF (didn't think I would do that

I'm trying to say you can keep a lot of your life, but also you'll be probably be happy not to when the time comes.

[AngryGnome]

I felt really similar - DH and I in our 30s, very nice life thank you, but really wanted a baby to complete it, but I ended up falling pregnant a lot quicker than we expected, so DS was planned and not-planned IYSWIM. I hated every second of being pregnant, the tiredness, the nausea, the weight gain, and I had severe SPD and was on crutches from 5 months. It utterly sucked, and whilst other mums-to-be were happily cooing over their bumps and naming them, I always referred to mine as the parasite . When asked if i was delighted to be pregnant, on more than one occasion I was heard to mutter angrily "i'd rather be in cuba" - had to cancel a holiday due to pregnancy

Anyway, bit of a grim birthing experience so never really had that "rush-of-love" that others talk about either. DS is now nearly 5 months though, and finally i get it! All the amazing feelings that everone else seemed to have from the day they did their pregnancy test, I FINALLY HAVE THEM TOO!

You'll get there userfame - i wouldn't have believed it if someone told me that when i was pregnant, but you will!

Disclaimer: I am a grumpy old cow by nature anyway

[userfame]

I was just coming home there from work and thinking will I check the board or will loads of people just have told me to get a grip on myself....

You all honestly have no idea what a lift I have gotten from reading these responses. I can't single out any one of you but....

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you.

Part of what was making me feel so bad was that I presumed that this apprehension was totally unnatural and it was proof positive that I am just too selfish to even begin to be a Mother. I don't know why it is but to realise that I am not a complete freak and a lot of great ladies managed to come through is a huge comfort.

My husband is over the moon. We had an early scan and he just beamed when the Dr. pointed out the heartbeat. He's a brilliant support but is stumped when I tell him I feel ambivalent about the whole thing. I've only told one other friend and she is a sweetheart but can't really understand why anyone wouldn't be on cloud nine.

p.s. Someone was asking why maternity leave affects career. I'm self employed in area where out of sight = out of mind. There aren't maternity provisions and unfortunately so many in my position have never recovered from an absence so I just can't ignore it.

[GnomeDePlume]

userfame - life does change when children come on the scene but at least for me those changes have been manageable. After each of my DCs I was back at work very quickly despite having Csections for all three. After the third DC I was back at work after 4 weeks. It doesnt have to damage your career. Since we had DC3 my job has moved us abroad and back again.

Children are a challenge but a very rewarding one. I have never had the great surge of emotions that some describe just a steadily growing love for my three - they are 15, 12 & 11 now and that love doesnt stop growing.

One of the things you will get used to being told throughout pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing is - 'it's normal'. As a comment it will drive you mad and keep you sane!

[WidowWadman]

I've had similar feelings when I finally fell pregnant with our much wanted daughter - albeit I wasn't earning well at all then, but still loved my job.

Those doubts are normal, I remember vividly thinking "crap, what have I done?". And, guess what, in the end everything was alright, she simply slotted into our lives, I even managed to get a better job, and am pregnant with the second now.

Going from no children to having a child is a huge transition and completely knocks you of your feet, especially if you never envisaged yourself in a Cath Kidston apron baking muffins for the nursery cake sale (and I don't). Doesn't mean you will be a bad parent, and yes, your life will change dramatically, but you'll get used to it, and hopefully enjoy it.

I didn't get overly maternal until I actually held my daughter in my arms and then it just worked.

I can totally understand your anxiety, I've been there, but I've come out the other side happier than I ever thought I could be, I wish you the same.

[CheerfulYank]

Glad you're feeling better.

I found out I was pregnant when I was 24, three weeks after my wedding. (Apparently the rhythm method works exactly the opposite from what I thought .) I remember walking across the parking lot to the store to buy the pregnancy test, chanting "please no, please no, please no," under my breath.

I had horrible depression through my last trimester and really until DS was about two months old, when I slowly started getting better. (If I hadn't been such a stupid cow so stubborn, I would have asked for help long before and gotten better sooner.) When DS was four months old I was rocking him to sleep and I suddenly just started weeping. I realized how very, very much I loved him and it was all quite overwhelming! :)

And now ten feet away from me is a little boy, almost 4, building a "monster trap" out of string, his blanket, and the vacuum. :) He is my very life, and in my unbiased opinion, the sunniest little pal you could ever want. I don't know what we'd do without him!

You will be fine! Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it, and don't feel like you have to "be" any certain way once you're a mom. You'll be just fine, I know it. :)

[HuckingFell]

Me too. was in shock when i found out - planned baby.

It is normal, it is scary and it can be horrific. It is also overwhelming wonderful, enchanting amazing and humbling.

Make plans for support early after birth so you can remain in view workwise. in the short term childcare is horrifyingly expensive but you are playing the long game career wise. Do not feel you have to be uber mum sacrified over the alter of your changing table. Good enough is just that.

[Groovee]

I felt like this when I fell pregnant unplanned with dd. I freaked for most of the pregnancy. My pregnancy ended at 8 months when I developed pre-eclampsia and the minute I held dd after they'd helped her to start breathing, I just knew we were going to be ok.

With ds everything hit me at 38 weeks and I freaked out completely. Now we're 8 and a half years and we're complete and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[HuckingFell]

alter altar

[cerealqueen]

I remember feeling the same - I recall going to the doctors to say I was pregnant after a horrible day at work thinking all I want to do is go home and drink a bottle of wine, it was a friday night but even so [shame].
I was known amongst friends as the unmaternal one, always moaning about other people's kids. Even DP said to me 'you will bond with our baby won't you?'.
I also wondered how I'd cope with lack of sleep, no lie ins and early mornings (answer - still not very good TBH). Once the first three months were over and there there actual evidence of me being pregnant, I really enjoyed being pregnant and feeling the kicks and knowing I was creating a life.

I adore DD, she is the light of my life, I can't imagine life without her. I am a SAHM (never thought I'd be one) and love it, on the whole. DP and I are so proud of our little family, now a day at a funfair is a great family day out because DD has a great time and for us, that is what it is all about.
I am having a second and worry about that and whether I am upsetting the apple cart but overall, know it is right, so you see, the worries never really go away even second time round!

I am sure you will grow to love the path your life is taking - there is nothing better.

[scottishmummy]

is common to have a wobble when the enormity kicks in.and yes it is common sense to think about the impact but maybe not catastrophe it so much

if you are natural planner and organiser, then let that guide and reassure you.take control back
look into nurseries/nannies/cm
what mat leave does firm offer
maybe look nice mat clothes online eg isabella oliver
have wee browse prams
peruse Nice bags

and best wishes, dont bottle up what you feel acknowledge it and work through feelings. take bit control back and accept things wont be same again but wont necessarily be worse

[LoveLeonardCohen]

When I got pregnant with my son I was not in a good situation with partner. We were rowing all the time, didn't have a good income, didn't even live together. I felt terribly depressed and down, resentful if you like of the baby. I also felt the dread you speak of.
At about 5 months this changed and I started to feel happier. Of course now my son (and his sister) are here, i wouldn't change a thing. Though it's been hard work, only just today I was thinking that actually there are the best things (not things, but you know what I mean), that have happened to me.

[Want2bSupermum]

I have had the same thoughts regarding the impending loss of my freedom as we were not expecting to get pregnant. I was laid off twice in two years and I have just finally got my career back on track. DH is shooting up the ladder at work and doing an MBA part time right now so he can qualify for a promotion in two years. Added to this we live in the US, 3000 miles away from family.

With regards to your career I don't think you can start planning your leave too soon. I spoke to other working mothers and asked them what time off they found worked for them. My new career as an accountant was very helpful as I asked a couple of my clients who are mothers how they managed their leave while making sure their business ran somewhat smoothly. Their reply was to return part time after 8 weeks. They hired a nanny to come in two days a week and they worked from home. They also pumped from 6 weeks so they didn't have to do all the feeding. All told me that their schedules shifted so they do client facing work during the day and leave the work until after the child(ren) have gone to bed. During their eight week leave all hired an assistant to answer emails and a service to answer the phone.

My career is important to me and I am returning to work after 5 months. Finding good daycare hasn't been easy as we live in the US and DH doesn't want a full time nanny (grrr!).

[steben]

I could have written this and would have descrfibed myself as a complete nutcase (not saying yoiu are btw)for my entire pregnancy - even during my labour when i was saying to the midwife that i could not poss be a mother because i had never changed a nappy and didnt know what to do!
However I am not sure this will help as I didnt believe it....BUT when she was born it was amazing and everything came naturally - hard yes - but it is totally worth it and i love her so much! My DH and i work hard to give each other 'me time' so we both get time to ourselves. As for your career - I felt same in some ways but wait and see how you feel.

[scottishmummy]

planning,is crucial start look for childcare now. think about workload over nxt few months, and cut self some slack

[magicmelons]

I am about 6 weeks pregnant but its my 3rd, i sort of feel the same BUT i have little flashes of excitement at having a newborn ( not a toddler though) and i love my other dc to bits and wouldn't be without either of them.

My husband put it like this which sort of sums it up, you will never regret a baby once its born but you may regret getting rid of one.

[magicmelons]

also pre natal depression is quite common, look into it, it may help you post natally.

[userfame]

I'm breathing a lot easier here now. It's great to hear that so many were in the same boat and came through.
Will be taking on board all of this brilliant advice.

[scottishmummy]

no dont necessarily medicalise it yet.do be aware of overall mood and discuss any concerns with mw and gp. really most of us get a wobble when pg

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

What you're feeling is normal, but one day this little bundle will make you re-asses all your priorities in life. My DC's are the reason I get up in the mornings and keep going, they always stress me but I'd never be without them.
When I fell pregnant with DC5, we had decided that 4 was most definitely enough! Only I was already PG without knowing. You'd think at pushing 40 and having 4 DC's I'd realised what the problem was!!!
I paniced and worried all the way through the pregnancy, I didn't bloom at all, but I pilled on sooo much weight whilst constantly feeling sick.
Eventually DD arrived, with the added panic of Eclamptic seizures, we're lucky that DD and/or myself didn't die during that time. Brought her home after a week in HDU where DD promptly started screaming for about 5 months with ever worsening gastric reflux and multiple food intollerances (dairy and wheat intollerant even through breastmilk!)
Now she's 11m and I love her to the moon and back, and feel fiercely protective of her (always did really, just used to do it in an exhausted flood of tears.) Couldn't imagine our life without our dramatic little dud.

[WidowWadman]

Wise words, scottishmummy

[FlamingJamie]

Lovely post lara

op - glad you are feeling better. I can identify with some of what you have said, but also would add that you do have 9 months to get your head round it (and then that process continues ad infinitum... ).

[nellyjane]

I was 5 weeks when I found out I was pregnant at the fertility clinic and I still spent the whole day wondering over and over again, 'how did this even happen?!'

Then for about the next 2 weeks I had at least one minor panic attack a day where I would have to sit down and take some deep breaths to get over the cold sweat feeling that this was all a hideous mistake. I have always wanted to have a family and thought I would be delighted when I finally got pregnant, but in reality all I felt was slightly dazed and, when I wasn't panicking, slightly numb.

Then the sickness and tiredness set in and I spent the next 6 weeks feeling like I just wanted to curl up and die.

Then I hit the second trimester, I had a big burst of energy, and I felt like a goddess! Loved my bump, loved being pregnant, loved giving birth, still loving breastfeeding! There've been some very rough times, and my life has changed beyond recognition, but I've never been so happy or so content.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

[foreverondiet]

OP - with respect to maternity leave, if you are self employed and worried about being out of sight, hire a nanny to start as soon as the baby is born, and work out how much face time etc you can put in. If you plan well the impact might not be as big as you fear.