Really think I made a mistake getting pregnant

[userfame]

I am not sure how to articulate this without offending people but I am 2 months pregnant and feeling horribly trapped and regretful. I am married and we wanted a child, although in hindsight I wonder how much thought we put into it. I previously had a miscarriage and I think my mindset was focussed on getting pregnant with little thought for what follows.
We're both older, in our mid thirties, and have a pretty great life. I happen to be in a career that I love and I earn a lot which I know is a privilege and I appreciate it. I have worked for years to get where I am in a cut throat industry and I am dreading the effect of maternity leave on my career. The net effect of all of that is that we lead pretty selfish lives and enjoy ourselves. I absolutely accept that any one reading this would be perfectly entitled to call me selfish and remind me that I made a choice and now I am stuck with it.
I'm constantly tired, constantly nauseous and constantly going to the loo. I know that any rational response would be that it's just pregnancy I amn't enjoying and when a child comes along that it'll all change. I don't know why, and I wish I didn't, but I only feel dread about a child coming and how life will change.
I'm posting this on the off chance someone else feels/felt the same and maybe their experience turned out ok.

[FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken]

Hi I felt like this. Same age, I got pregnant straight away then massively panicked. I considered abortion. I referred to the baby as 'it' even when I knew the sex. I absolutely hated being pregnant, I felt like it was ruining my life, hobbies, work and social life and had taken away everything I enjoyed.
I did feel a bit better when i could feel the baby start to move and again after the 20 week scan when I could visualise it as a baby a bit more.
When my first was born I felt an overwhelming rush of love. Dont worry if this doesnt happen though, when my second was born she was screaming and angry and I felt completely different for a few weeks.

I actually coped a bit better with the baby stage than my husband as I expected it to be shit and have our life on hold for a while, he thought it was all going to be fun and we would be able to do a load of jobs on our 'time off'.

I am pretty on the fence about having kids now though. I love them but I miss going skiing, weekend trips, holidays, impromptu nights out, long lie ins etc. However I dont wish we hadn't had them, I just know I'd have equally enjoyed my life without them...mine are still little though so maybe that will change.

Can you share paternity leave with your husband? I have found impact on career really depends on how involved the father is, and sharing leave really helps. Also means you can concentrate on the return to work without trying to settle the baby in nursery etc

[DappledThings]

Can you share paternity leave with your husband?
Fathers of nine year olds are not entitled to paternity leave

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

@DappledThings 😂

[dontdisturbmenow]

I have met a few women in exactly your situation. Older, settled, very happy in their career, struggling with the shock of pregnancy, convinced they would be back at work a few week after birth.

2 never returned to work and became yummy mummies their lives totally devoted to their child.

One went back after 1 year and was miserable, said that her perception of her job had totally changed since being a mum and ended up giving it all up despite being just a few months away from her dreamed promotion. She now has her own business in interior design that fits around her two children.

Another has returned to her career and balance her profession and being a mum well but will always put her daughter first and can't stop talking about being a mum.

Hang in there, it will be all worth it.

[Pesimistic]

Completely normal response to a massive life changing event, I can say once you get more into the pregnancy and you've had your scans, feel movement ect your fears will ease slightly then return when you realise you've got to give birth but in my experience (2dc) it all works out good in the end and you wouldn't be with our them.
Congratulations!

[EvelynBeatrice]

Its not unusual to feel like this. If it helps there are two myths about pregnancy and parenthood - that there’s one right way to feel and one right way to do it. There isn’t. Do what suits you and ignore anyone else’s judgement.
You don’t need to worry about maternity leave. It’s not compulsory beyond two weeks off post birth. Returning after a fortnight would be hard core but you needn’t be off for more than a month if you don’t want to and your health allows. You earn well so could have a superb live-in or local nanny and maybe a night nurse to help with the baby initially. You can get that set up well in advance.
Alternatively your husband could take time off - friends of mine each negotiated with work to each work a four day week for a year then each had half a day off a week until the child was older, meaning that the baby had a parent 24/7 for at least three days every week. Keeping their careers going has bought them many advantages now their kids are growing up - able to afford the private healthcare they needed when NHS let them down etc. , tutors for dyslexic kid, time with kids bought through outsourcing cleaning, gardening etc. People often prioritise the baby years, but often it’s when your kids are older that needs increase.
You may find you want to be more hands- on in early years because you love being with your baby - the thing to remember now is that you have choices; it’s not the nineteenth century.

Finally, in case it helps, I had a very stressful responsible job and nothing about having a baby or sleepless nights came close to that - it was far more enjoyable getting up with the baby I loved than trying to draft or negotiate something in the wee small hours with rooms of people waiting. It’s all a matter of perspective. I really enjoyed the vast majority of early parenthood after a month or two. It’s a case of not sweating the small stuff and knowing what you want without worrying about anyone other than your baby, you and husband. You can’t please everyone, so you have to prioritise.

[Orangebitters]

I’ve felt much the same as you - very similar situation (& timing!)

Things that helped...

I gave myself ‘permission’ to consider alternatives and ended up making an active choice that this was what I wanted (but you shouldn’t feel forced into that)
I don’t plan to take a long maternity leave - somewhere between 6 weeks and 3 months (which people in the U.K. will think is insane but is very common in other countries) & we are lucky that we will be able to afford childcare from that point
Very open discussions with DP about sharing parenting responsibilities
Right now, I don’t think I plan to have more than one
I’m using a ‘reliefband’ which I think is helping a lot with the nausea!

Hope that helps a bit...

[DappledThings]

Hope that helps a bit...
Perhaps if she chooses to have another child now the one in question is 9 years old it may help.

[R2221]

With 1 child, your career is going to be ok.
Make sure you find a really nice childminder or a nursery (and a backup child care arrangements).

Also, get a cleaner.

My career depended heavily on my childcare arrangements and cleaners.

[DappledThings]

Make sure you find a really nice childminder or a nursery
I don't think nurseries take 9 year olds.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

😂 @DappledThings you are killing me

[DappledThings]

@SchrodingersImmigrant . There are so many zombies about but this one is just amusing me endlessly for some reason!

[FlibbertyGiblets]

Proper guffaw at the numpties and DappledThings you are very funny.

People checking the dates before posting, RTWFT, pigs might fly.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

[quote DappledThings]@SchrodingersImmigrant . There are so many zombies about but this one is just amusing me endlessly for some reason![/quote]
I wonder if op is still here and it's now popping up on "threads you are on" bit😂😂😂

[MissMarpleDarling]

I know people say about PND after babies born but i was fine then and felt how you do before the birth I think I has the baby blues the wrong way around. Hope things improve for you x

[MissMarpleDarling]

Oh God is it a zombie one. I never date check

[Plotless]

I’m so sorry for starting a zombie thread (love the name!), am new here and just found the original thread so helpful that I wanted to say thanks.

However, I’ve found the newer posts even more helpful - so similar to me and my position - so thank you and apologies!

[DinosaurDigestive]

All of mine were desperately wanted but I intitally had the exact same feeling you have described. I tried for a long time for mine and had several losses yet still experienced that whole feeling. It can be completely normal especially after a loss to feel that way

[DinosaurDigestive]

Whoops!!!! Only realised after I posted and saw above! How did I read the post and not even notice it was 2011?!?

[Emeraldshamrock]

@DappledThings type in Capitals. 🤣😂

[Giegie]

I don't think you are being selfish, I just think you feel that the timing is wrong for you right now. Don't beat yourself up you are not alone promise. :)

[TinFoilHatty]

@Giegie

I don't think you are being selfish, I just think you feel that the timing is wrong for you right now. Don't beat yourself up you are not alone promise. :)

@Giegie darling, the baby is now 11 you great ninny.

[DrManhattan]

Zombie

[bibliomania]

Normal. I googled abortion options quite a few times during pregnancy, but she's 15 now and one of the main blessings is my life. So glad she's here.