Really think I made a mistake getting pregnant

[userfame]

I am not sure how to articulate this without offending people but I am 2 months pregnant and feeling horribly trapped and regretful. I am married and we wanted a child, although in hindsight I wonder how much thought we put into it. I previously had a miscarriage and I think my mindset was focussed on getting pregnant with little thought for what follows.
We're both older, in our mid thirties, and have a pretty great life. I happen to be in a career that I love and I earn a lot which I know is a privilege and I appreciate it. I have worked for years to get where I am in a cut throat industry and I am dreading the effect of maternity leave on my career. The net effect of all of that is that we lead pretty selfish lives and enjoy ourselves. I absolutely accept that any one reading this would be perfectly entitled to call me selfish and remind me that I made a choice and now I am stuck with it.
I'm constantly tired, constantly nauseous and constantly going to the loo. I know that any rational response would be that it's just pregnancy I amn't enjoying and when a child comes along that it'll all change. I don't know why, and I wish I didn't, but I only feel dread about a child coming and how life will change.
I'm posting this on the off chance someone else feels/felt the same and maybe their experience turned out ok.

[scottishmummy]

self employed?yes hire nany from birth,start few days before birth so you used to her being around,and you can plan appts and meeting and she can help you with baby

to do
look for nanny now
consider cleaner really soon
on line groceries
look at diary and determine wht big meets and appts you have coming up,and prioritise your energies and time esp near birth

[Mrswhiskerson]

DOn't worry you are not alone , I think a lot of women have felt like this at some time duringtheir pregnancy . When I found out I was pregnant I put on a happy face for my fiancé (now dh) but I would cry at every opportunity I felt trapped and out of control but it does get easier then it gets really exciting . Once you have had the baby the love you will feel will be unlike anything you have ever known , also don't put too much presssure on yourself to get the rush of love people talk about , when I gave birth I waited for it to come and it didn't , it did for
my dh but I felt blank I just wanted a good bath and a sleep . But it does come and it s amazing, yes your life does change but you love this child so
much you won't have it any other way .

[dreamingbohemian]

Another one here who felt the same... I was late 30s and tbh had really been enjoying my selfish, self-absorbed existence! Loved going out, travelling, working all the time (self-employed and doing phd).

I was miserable my entire pregnancy, I was sick from week 5 until the moment they pulled him out of me. I had terrible anxiety as well as my medical support was not great and no family around. I worried that I was too selfish to be maternal. I had never even changed a nappy!

But I promise, when the baby actually comes, it will all be such a (pardon my french) mindfuck that none of these things will matter anymore. You will be so amazed at your child and what you have done that you will just get on with things and not really worry too much.

I love my son so much, even on the worst days I have never regretted having him for a minute. And you will be surprised how possible it is to maintain your old life as well, I still go out and travel.

I sympathise with your work worries. Do you meet clients face to face, will they know you are pregnant? I do much of my work online and I didn't tell people I was going on maternity leave, I said sabbatical or a course -- I think they're less likely to write you off that way.

Also, I was worried about my brain going mushy, but I managed to do some tricky work 3 weeks after birth, even with severe sleep exhaustion. So with some childcare you should probably be able to do part-time at least.

Keep writing when you feel down! Good luck

[becknotts]

First time posting but wanted to say as others have , I felt exactly the same way and it does get better.

Didn't think I would get pregnant so quickly when "letting nature take it's course." in my mid thirties. We were finally moving from the sticks back into a city , was really looking forward to cinema , bars and restaurants again, also looking for a job after leaving one with a horrendous 6 hr daily commute.

Partner was so happy I was pregnant, I was miserable cried a lot and got so far as booking the termination. Felt guilty at what felt like selfish motivations and for not "thinking things through" before I go pregnant.

Combination of honest talking with partner and mum somehow helped me carry on , the first 4 months were horrendous with tiredness , all day nausea, first ever migraines. Being an over-acheiver the key thing for me was accepting there might just be some things I could not control and that some things would change but by no means everything.

Now 28 weeks pregnant, cannot say I don't occasionally panic but when I do I try to talk about it (Biggest change so far- I used to be a real closed book) , surprising how many people feel/felt exactly the same. Having the actual bump , feeling it moving helps, I even love how my body looks now.

As others have said making plans helps and searching out people who have made it work to share experiences.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Don't worry - you are 8 weeks pregnant and with all the hormones I am sure we are verging on depressed during this first trimester.

I'm now 12 weeks with DC2 - and oh boy how desperate I was for another baby, how gutted when it didn't happen first cycle and how thrilled when it happened 2nd cycle.

But from about 5 weeks in I have just felt ill, very sick and tired. Am dreading the rest of pregnancy and then how on earth I will cope with newborn and 2.5 year old.

BUT. I was exactly the same last time round and I am sure I get depressed in the first trimester, along with just being very ill (signed off work both times for a few weeks).

Once I get to about 15 weeks, something happens, the mood lightens, the hormones settle, you stop feeling ill, you've seen your baby on the scan wriggling around and waving his hands, you feel the baby kicking etc. And it becomes joyous (if uncomfy towards the end!)

And once you have the baby, yes, life changes dramatically, but in my experience it is the opposite of the first trimester - there are all these feelgood hormones (from breastfeeding?) and adrenaline flowing round. And you are so thrilled to have done labour and birth and to have your own body back after 9 long months. Although the newborn period is tiring, I was on a kind of high for much of it.

I really do think in another couple of months you will be feeling much better, physically and mentally. For some of us, the first trimester is just a grim three months to be got through as best as we can. I was uncomfortable in the last trimester, awful heartburn, difficulty sleeping, but my mood was nowhere near as depressed as it was at your stage.

Baby steps - not too long now before your 12 week scans. That does change things - seeing baby on the screen, you start bonding with him/her, at the same time your hormones are starting to settle.

It will get better promise! The first weeks drag horrendously, once you have had the 12 week scan, time speeds up, it really does.

[Bumpsadaisie]

PS Don't forget too that by the end of the first trimester the baby is essentially complete - all organs in place etc. All it does for the next 6 months is get fatter and taller (and a few other things but you get my gist).

So it's no wonder with all that stuff going on that the first three months are an utter headcase for us poor mothers. It takes my tomato plants three months to grow to the size my baby is now (6 cms from head to bum) and they don't even have bones, skin, organs or the ability to suck their fingers and tug on an umbilical cord!) Quite how we manage to make such a complex little being in a few weeks does really amaze me.

[EdwardorEricCantDecide]

Do you have a pregnancy book? Most books actually say it's more unusual not to worry or possibly regret the decision once your faced with the reality of impending parenthood.
Im currently 3mths pg with DC2 it was planned and I was over the moon then my company cut my bonus structure by 70% I'm now very worried about money and wether I can afford another.
I'm reading what to expect when your expecting and I feel it helps me focus on what's going on with the baby rather than worry about my sickness or money etc.

Hope your feeling better soon, just wanted to say it's perfectly normal to feel this way and shows what a good mum you'll be as u can think realistically, and not just romantically about the new baby.
Good luck and take care

[Morloth]

When I was about 10 weeks pregnant with DS2, I seriously considered a termination.

Happily married, financially secure, planned pregnancy and the panic hit me so hard that I just wanted it over with, I had changed my mind, I didn't want another kid, I was tired of feeling sick all the time etc.

DS2 is now 12 months and all that is a distant memory. It is a bit of a PITA career wise. But I am an intelligent resourceful woman, when I feel he is ready for daycare, I will sort it out, because sorting stuff out is what I do.

Besides he has learned to blow me kisses by sucking the back of his hand and waving it at me. I can put up with a bit of career stalling for that.

[larakitten]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit brighter OP. It is, for some people (me included) an utterly terrifying prospect......but there's a lot of good info on this thread. Relax, take care of yourself and if it gets too much, seek help.

If I had my time around, I would have sought help instead of bottling things up and hiding my true feelings from everyone. I put on this brave face, but was crumbling inside. Even when my DD was born, I couldn't bond with her because I still felt like we had made a terrible mistake - made worse by the fact that she was so ill.

Over time though, as she and I recovered, our bond grew and now our life is great. I never thought I would enjoy being a SAHM but I love it! I'm dreading her going to nursery after the summer as she will be attending more sessions than she does at present - what will I do without my wee pal?! But, its all good and I love her more than life itself.

I would echo the other comments and tell you that its totally normal to feel like this. I was overwhelmed by anxiety and stress - but it does get easier, promise. Regular treats of nice maternity clothes, expensive chocolate or whatever floats your boat is always a good place to start

[bigbabushkas]

I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 4.5 months (had come off the dv jag a few months earlier so no period was normal) My ds was then born 6 weeks early by c section and was in special care for a month.

I suffered from appalling PND for the first few months, nobody was aware, and returned to a fairly high pressured job after 4 months - and within a few days had a complete meltdown.

I handed my notice in yesterday as was aware that the company offered no flexibility with regards to hours etc.....but the upside is that my baby and I's relationship is better than ever, we have finally bonded and loving being a mum.

What I did was drastic and certainly not for everyone, I handed my notice in after a lot of soul searching and prioritising, but my point is that I felt like I had reached the end whilst at my worst....you will feel better and you will get through this.

[redruby5973]

I just had to sign up when I read this post. I am 38 years old and pregnant (planned) for the first time. I feel exactly the same way.

I am totally depressed and anxious, constantly thinking "oh f*£@k, what have I done?". So far I have lived a fantastic life, travelled, socialised, bought what I wanted... yes I know totally selfish. But it's not so much this what I worry about. I have been a primary school teacher for 16 years and I have seen how difficult children can be. My very good friends constantly complain about their children (ranging in ages from toddler to 20 somethings). They have even told me in the past to not have them!! I know I sound stupid, because it was a planned pregnancy, but I never thought I'd feel this way. I feel in some way I didn't want to disappoint family by not having children.... and there is a part of me that wonders if I'd regret not having them once it was too late. But now that I am pregnant, I feel that it is a BIG mistake. I feel no bond towards the growing child inside me and I feel fat (even though I'm only 9 weeks) and constantly queesy.

I fell pregnant quite easily (when everything I read led me to believe that it would take ages at my age). It was a big shock when I took the pregnancy test and the two blue lines showed up. At first I was pleased, and then the dreaded black emotions swept in.

We told our immediate families this weekend and they are over the moon, but this has just made me worse. I can't talk about it and change the subject really quickly when I'm asked pregnancy questions. I feel so much pressure and anxiety, which is totally foreign to me as I have always been a very laid back person.

I already feel bombarded with pressure to breast feed (and I'm not against bottle feeding, as it takes some of the pressure off me). But the biggest thing that has set me off this weekend is that my mother and father-in-law are now planning on visiting us from the USA (we live in Australia) in September (baby is due end July) and my husband wants them to stay with us in our 2 bedroom apartment. He is talking about moving the baby out of it's room, into ours and then buying a queen bed off ebay for them to stay for 4 weeks. The thought of this makes me so anxious, and I have struggled to get out of bed because of trying to figure out how I am going to cope.

But the worst thing is, last night whilst lying awake in bed, I was thinking about how I could abort without anyone finding out and then just calling it a mc.


Having read that other women have felt the same way as me has brought me some comfort today. So thank you, thank you so much for helping.

[AlpinePony]

Redruby they can check in to a cocking hotel and, if you want to use formula, you can.

It is frightening, and it is life-changing, but it doesn't need to be life-limiting. You can be a 'martyr mummy' or you can continue to do most of the things you've always done, albeit with a bottle and a spare nappy in your bag.

For all your friends that moan about their children, I'll bet they've not phoned social services and demanded a pick-up. ;) even the bad days are good days.

It is really hard to 'feel' at 9 weeks if you've yet to have a scan and you've yet to feel it move AND you're feeling vile, but you've got 31 weeks left to get used to it all. 'bonding' is such a bollocks word anyway, Wtf is it even supposed to mean? Creating a warm, loving, supportive, caring and nurturing environment? 2 decades of professional experience indicates you already do that in spades! X

[TadlowDogIncident]

OP, I can't add to the good advice that people have given you about the pregnancy itself and life with DC, but I wanted to add something on the career front.

If your career is really important to you, you need to plan now how you're going to keep it going once the baby arrives, which means (a) your DH has to expect to pull his weight with childcare and house and (b) you need to work out what's going to happen when you go back to work. Ruthless planning and good childcare is the key. If you have enough money to have had really nice lives to date, would a nanny be a possibility for you? (And don't assume you have to take a year's maternity leave just because you're entitled to it: if you actually don't want to be off for that long, you can go back sooner, and there's something to be said for getting your childcare in place before the baby's separation anxiety kicks in.)

[ginmakesitallok]

April folks? She'll have had baby by now...

[TadlowDogIncident]

Ooops! That'll teach me to read the dates.

[AlpinePony]

Don't worry, ruby posted this morning so hopefully she'll get strength from your words too! :)

[Plotless]

I know that this is a really old thread but I wanted to thank you all for your comments. I’ve been feeling exactly the same and you have no idea how much they have helped me. OP and Ruby, I really hope everything worked out.

[Sweet666]

You're only 2 months pregnant you can get an abortion really easily

[Mally2020]

I think a child would be a gift, but if you truly cherish your work over future family and love your situation right now do what you need to do, a child is a lifelong commitment

[snugglepuff]

@Sweet666

You're only 2 months pregnant you can get an abortion really easily

It's a bit late now considering that this is a 10 year old thread!

[FudgeSundae]

You must do what works for you- but re work, you don’t have to dial back unless you want to. I took a 2 month mat leave and we got a (wonderful!) full time nanny. Having the space to still focus on my career makes me really enjoy the time I spend with my toddler.

[snowydaysandholidays]

I don't think you should feel you HAVE to continue with a pregnancy if you don't want to op. I am not dismissing your feelings. I am hearing someone that is having serious second thoughts.

It is your life and your body. If you don't want to be pregnant you don't need to be. You don't need permission from anyone to want to keep your life exactly as it is.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Zombie! Read date of OP before jumping in .........

[RedHelenB]

It's not too late to terminate. Nit everyone is cut out to have children. I think if you look into this then your true feelings will come out

[DappledThings]

It's not too late to terminate
The kid is 9 years old. I think it probably is too late.