Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

(274 Posts)
delishUsh Sat 31-Jul-21 07:13:48

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

OP’s posts: |
delishUsh Sat 31-Jul-21 07:16:11

Also at the time I did respond by saying 'no, but your their daddy'

His reply ' it's not the same as their mum '

angry

OP’s posts: |
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Sat 31-Jul-21 07:16:31

I'd have laughed, said "Nice try, mate" and gone for my haircut.

Galassia Sat 31-Jul-21 07:16:34

“Pretend that I have died for the next three hours!” Then walked out the door.

MiloAndEddie Sat 31-Jul-21 07:17:34

Umm I’ve have said ‘ok bye, I’m off to have my haircut’ whilst wondering how they’d got to 3 without him looking after them on his own

Intersmellar Sat 31-Jul-21 07:17:47

I would have said, something along the lines of “you are their dad, I’m sure you’ll manage”
Kissed the kids goodbye and left.

BertieBotts Sat 31-Jul-21 07:18:10

Realistically, I would have done the same as you. I'm not very good at direct conflict or getting my needs met.

Internally it would make my heart sink and I'd feel very alone and unsupported. The cumulative effect of this kind of thing over time is absolutely exhausting.

Being supposedly "unable" to do childcare was one (of a list of many) reasons the relationship with my first child's father broke down.

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LemonLemonLemon Sat 31-Jul-21 07:18:13

“If I left you, you’d have to do far more parenting than you do now because you’d have them every weekend…”

Chocolateemergency Sat 31-Jul-21 07:18:20

I wouldn’t have said anything. I’d have rolled my eyes and skipped on my merry way!

Needapoodle Sat 31-Jul-21 07:18:20

I would have gone and left them to it. So what if they're fighting? He would have worked it out.

Wjevtvha Sat 31-Jul-21 07:20:00

I’d have laughed and assumed/pretended it was a joke and left anyway

EveryoneWantsMumma Sat 31-Jul-21 07:20:26

Laughed and walked out the door!

Waxonwaxoff0 Sat 31-Jul-21 07:22:26

I'd have just left.

I'm assuming you're still with DP? Is that still his attitude? If so I'd be leaving.

My ex husband has been hands on ever since DS was born, he first looked after DS alone for a couple of hours when DS was 6 weeks old and is perfectly capable. He'd laugh at a man who was so pathetic that he couldn't look after his own kids alone!

delishUsh Sat 31-Jul-21 07:22:30

Up until then he'd never had them on his own for more than 20 minutes. They slept that whole time anyway.

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.

OP’s posts: |
lannistunut Sat 31-Jul-21 07:25:57

I can't imagine.

I can be really stubborn and quite petty so if a sensible conversation couldn't fix this I might have gone on strike with him. Either you're a family or you're not, if you're a family you share.

I deliberately married someone I knew would be fair shares about this stuff, so it is hard for me to say.

lannistunut Sat 31-Jul-21 07:26:53

"I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it."

Is this stressed or 'stressed' though?

Indigopearl Sat 31-Jul-21 07:28:19

I think if you can't risk leaving children with their father you should not be with said father.

MaintainingPositivity Sat 31-Jul-21 07:29:26

Rolled my eyes and told him to get a grip!

Franklydear Sat 31-Jul-21 07:29:58

@lannistunut that’s unfair, you don’t know until it happens, you might think how it’ll go but you don’t know, nobody thinks I’ll marry the most selfish miserable bastard I can find

Regularchoice Sat 31-Jul-21 07:30:12

I would have smiled and walked out the door.
It sounds like he suffers from strategic incompetence. It's a common affliction in men.

Franklydear Sat 31-Jul-21 07:30:59

@delishUsh you don’t have to stay with him though

Poppop4 Sat 31-Jul-21 07:31:39

I’d have also laughed and left him to it! No he’s not a mummy and in the nearly newborn stage that’s possibly the only time I’d say this an acceptable response because we all know tiny new babies often settle better for their mother. Anything after this period he’s taking the piss and I’d have made sure to go out a lot more often

FakeFruitShoot Sat 31-Jul-21 07:32:36

It simply wouldn't happen in our house.

He sounds pathetic.

MalFunkshun Sat 31-Jul-21 07:32:38

I would have assumed it was a joke - but I would never have let him get away with not having to parent them solo for 3 years.

His contribution to their creation was 50/50 and so should be his contribution to their upbringing!

mayblossominapril Sat 31-Jul-21 07:33:35

I probably wouldn’t have gone as I don’t think it’s fair on the children to leave them with dad if he isn’t going to cope well.
I might have booked a hair cut at home but it would have been when he was there and could look after them.

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