Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

[delishUsh]

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

[ElizaDoolots]

But a diagnosis of GAD doesn't mean you have to be shit at parenting. If you have anxiety (and you're an adult and a decent person) you sit down with your partner and together work out how you can still parent alongside your anxiety. And you get professional help.

This! And he wasn’t saying that he couldn’t look after them because of his anxiety, he was saying he couldn’t look after them because he’s a man. Don’t enable this behaviour, you deserve to be able to have a break too OP.

[rainbowstardrops]

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.

What would I have done? Diagnoses or not, I'd have said, 'Are you bloody joking?', rolled my eyes and gone to have my haircut!
He ought to be ashamed of himself that his children had got to that age and he'd only ever had them on his own for the odd 20 minutes here and there!
Mind you, if you facilitate that then you're not helping him are you?
Absolutely ridiculous.

[WeepingWinnie]

@BertieBotts

Realistically, I would have done the same as you. I'm not very good at direct conflict or getting my needs met.

Internally it would make my heart sink and I'd feel very alone and unsupported. The cumulative effect of this kind of thing over time is absolutely exhausting.

Being supposedly "unable" to do childcare was one (of a list of many) reasons the relationship with my first child's father broke down.

Ditto.

[FlowerArranger]

OMG........ I've just seen your update: the twins are actually 8 - EIGHT!!! - and he is still unable to look after them for long periods.

Words fail me. How did you allow this to happen?

[DancesWithTortoises]

I had anxiety after DS2 was born. I had to push through, like most women do.

I think he let you down badly.

[lorca]

He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them - I'd have said 'well you need MORE practice then!' (not less, as seems to be the case here - or 'none' as is the case in Too Many cases!)

But as it's 5 years ago, I assume the kids have got more independent and he has become 'better' as he doesn't need to do so much.

[Abhannmor]

Dad of twins here. I'd have left him to it. They settle down eventually. Doesn't he ever play with them? That's the best way to stop the tears and fighting. It doesn't augur well if he can't cope with 3 year olds.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

I would have told him to get a fucking grip and walked out the door. My dp regularly says stupid shit to me like he can't change a shitty nappy. Yeahate I change several different children's shitty nappies a day, it's not rocket science. He also started baking the other day when 6 month dd was a little bit sick on him. Pathetic.

[PegasusReturns]

I’d have said a cheery “you’ll manage” and left.

His behaviour is rubbish and you’re enabling it.

[delishUsh]

@Foghead

If he’s such a great dad, why are you remembering that comment still?
What does it mean to you? Is he a great husband too?

If you re read my op I say that a thread on here reminded me of that time. It's not something I loose sleep over every night.

Just to clarify also, dp is capable of looking after our dc. When they were babies he bathed them, dressed them, fed them and cuddled them to sleep. He was / is able to parent them. He just couldn't have them on his own for long periods of time.

I'm not making excuses, just clearing up some misconceptions.

[Fiddliestofsticks]

Your updates are not making him sound better. He is not a great dad.

He is a Disney dad. He'll do the fun activity for a few hours, but actual job or parenting, slogging through the hard work, raising them up into good humans... that's all left to you. Because he is pathetic and a shitty dad.

[DaphneDeloresMoorhead]

Told him to jog on.

This would never happen in our house however as I had the presence of mind to marry and reproduce with a competent and capable man who is more than up to looking after his own child.

[NutellaEllaElla]

The twins are now 8 - has he become a more independent parent? Does he have them alone for several hours at a time now?

I have worked in adult mental health for many years and the number of women who literally cannot care for their children are a vanishingly small proportion with very complex and severe MH problems often with addictions thrown in too. Most look after their kids far better than they look after themselves.

[AlternativePerspective]

Sorry but a diagnosis of GAD isn’t an excuse for being a shit parent, or more to the point, being a misogynist twat.

I would have replied “well no, of course you’re not a mummy, that wouldn’t make much sense now would it, just like I’m not a daddy, enjoy your day.” And then gone off on my merry way while cackling.

[Dragon50]

So he did their care on a daily basis but only if you were there/in the room?

What was/is he scared of in looking after them solo?

[delishUsh]

@Fiddliestofsticks

Your updates are not making him sound better. He is not a great dad.

He is a Disney dad. He'll do the fun activity for a few hours, but actual job or parenting, slogging through the hard work, raising them up into good humans... that's all left to you. Because he is pathetic and a shitty dad.

Think you missed an update!

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

I can't answer because my DH would never in a million years have pulled a stunt like that.

I hope you ditched the idle twat.

[BeaBeaBuzz]

Firstly I hope you paid the hairdresser.

Secondly what medication/therapy is he having for his anxiety?

It really does read like you being a bit of a martyr and enabling him to be a shit dad

[SuddenArborealStop]

I would have said fuck off and walked out the door
I don't think his diagnosis should absolve him of parenting responsibilities or excuse his rudeness and casual sexism.

[DaphneDeloresMoorhead]

Just to clarify also, dp is capable of looking after our dc. When they were babies he bathed them, dressed them, fed them and cuddled them to sleep. He was / is able to parent them. He just couldn't have them on his own for long periods of time.

That's not parenting, that's picking the easy bits and leaving the hard stuff you can't be arsed with for someone else. How's he going to learn to parent of you just let him cop off when it gets too boring or lengthy ?

[WouldBeGood]

I’d have gone, ranted and set the world to tights with the hairdresser.

But if he were my DP he’d have had them on his own for long periods before they were three!

Sometimes I do think women make a rod for their own backs by doing all the childcare all the time when they should leave some of it to they’re partner, even if it wouldn’t be “perfect”.

All he had to do was keep them alive while you got your hair done. 🤷🏻‍♀️

GAD is not a reason not to be able to look after your children. Loads of people with it have sole care of dcs.

[Grimacingfrog]

@BertieBotts

Realistically, I would have done the same as you. I'm not very good at direct conflict or getting my needs met.

Internally it would make my heart sink and I'd feel very alone and unsupported. The cumulative effect of this kind of thing over time is absolutely exhausting.

Being supposedly "unable" to do childcare was one (of a list of many) reasons the relationship with my first child's father broke down.

This was me too. I'm much more feisty now and wouldn't put up with that shit. It corrodes relationships.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

Nah, he's not a good dad. He's being lazy. Plenty of women have GAD and manage to have the children on their own. It's funny how it's only ever men that can't do it.

[LostThings]

OP this would have made me very angry. Mums have to learn to cope, so why can't dads? What's the difference? Not trying to make light of your partner's GAD, but I've had terrible depression and anxiety in the last few years and I've still had to bring my DC up. That's life I'm afraid, you have to get on with it.

[HurryUpAndWait23]

You both need to grow a back bone by the sounds of it.
He needs to learn how to parent, and you need to stop being a door mat.