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Original poster

Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

273 replies

delishUsh · 31/07/2021 07:13

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

OP posts:
HasselbackForLife · 31/07/2021 08:06

He'd never had them on his own before?!?

Book yourself some more treatments and go for it. Do not cancel next time!!

You didn't know what to do the first night you had them alone is hospital but you had to figure it out. He needs to have his own learning experience but he won't have it if you keep pandering to his ridiculous lameness.

whistlers · 31/07/2021 08:06

@delishUsh

Hope this doesn't seem like I'm drip feeding.

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.
I should have mentioned it in the op, but was more focused on the comment he made at the time.

Mentioning now as I don't want to make it appear that he's 'pathetic' as some of you have suggested.

I just think the comment from him was unnecessary .

I have GAD, and I'm a SAHM.

He needs to learn how to parent his own children and you need to allow him to do that.

Start small, leave for 30 mins, then an hour etc.

You can't leave this to continue. Your children are also missing out on having two parents that can care for them.

Don't be a martyr

KateTheEighth · 31/07/2021 08:07

@MiloAndEddie

Umm I’ve have said ‘ok bye, I’m off to have my haircut’ whilst wondering how they’d got to 3 without him looking after them on his own

Agreed

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
LH1987 · 31/07/2021 08:08

I would have done the same as you but been really annoyed about it!

cptartapp · 31/07/2021 08:08

So he indirectly reckons you're the more important parent?
Are you married? Whose surname have they got?
I'd have gone and got my haircut by the way. That was your second mistake.
And why would he only have them every weekend if you split? He'd have them half the week no? Being half responsible.

PearlFriday · 31/07/2021 08:09

So you're in a situation where you have to make sure that the twins never squabble because their squabbling causes him anxiety?
That completely transfers all of the anxiety on to you.

If they fight they fight. Not every fight has to be resolved. They're just kids fighting over a toy, but you HAVE to sort it out. Always.

That is incredibly stressful for you.

My two dc fought a lot and I couldn't always resolve it. Luckily there was no witness expecting ME to sort it out! And holding me responsible for the anxiety caused to them by the sound of the fighting that I had failed to shush.

I don't know how high your level of stress must be @delishUsh

whistlers · 31/07/2021 08:09

@LH1987

I would have done the same as you but been really annoyed about it!
But why? Don't you trust the other parent to cope?
KateTheEighth · 31/07/2021 08:10

Dp is actually a great dad and although he still isn't confident looking after them for long periods, he can take them on days out, cinema trips etc.

No, he's really not a great dad

Dragon50 · 31/07/2021 08:10

‘Watched them for the odd 20 mins’ is such a low bar it’s virtually non-existent.

whistlers · 31/07/2021 08:11

@KateTheEighth

Dp is actually a great dad and although he still isn't confident looking after them for long periods, he can take them on days out, cinema trips etc.

No, he's really not a great dad

Sounds like a Disney dad
FunnyWonder · 31/07/2021 08:11

I might have folded like you, OP, because I hate conflict. I wish I was one of those people who could throw the head up and say 'don't be ridiculous', but I'm a sucker for a sob story and suffer from stupid amounts of guilt, even when I shouldn't. But your DP was using his anxiety disorder as a way out and, what's more, he was shifting responsibility onto you by suggesting that your role as mother was more important than his role as father, so making you feel guilty for leaving the children behind with someone incompetent (him). I think the two of you need to have a proper talk about expectations relating to parenting, preferably when the children are in bed and you aren't dealing with the everyday interactions of children simply being children.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 31/07/2021 08:12

If a partner had said that to me I'd probably have said, "well, you're their parent and you've got parenting to do", and when he said they settle better for you, I'd say "that's only because I've had more practice, so you need to practice more until you feel confident", then left and had my hair cut. I love the PP's comment about pretending I'm dead for 3 hours. We'd be having a serious talk about how he needs to find ways to pull his weight with parenting, GAD or not.

FlowerArranger · 31/07/2021 08:13

Some great put-downs and wisecracks that you could have used, @delishUsh, but wondering how they’d got to 3 without him looking after them on his own is the crux of the matter.

When he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it - I mean what the actual fuck?!!

'Stressed'? You mean he can't be arsed to learn how to parent.

You've got to turn this around NOW, or your independent life (and career!!) will never recover. Don't sacrifice yourself to enable this manchild!

NB: my husband used to look after our 3 year-old and 6 months old twins on his own when I travelled on business... it can be done. There is no magic mummy gene...

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 08:13

If the tables were turned and it was you who had an anxiety disorder, you wouldn't be refusing to care for your children alone for an hour. You might be posting on here for tips on how to manage it with kids to make daily life less stressful. Spot the difference?

Tulips15 · 31/07/2021 08:13

@Indigopearl

I think if you can't risk leaving children with their father you should not be with said father.
Agree!

I would've laughed and said ' see you later Daddy' then left ofcourse

santabetterwashhishands · 31/07/2021 08:13

I would have laughed in his face,told the twins sarcastically to go easy on daddy then walked out and had my hair done.
I would then have gone for a lovely coffee and a look around the shops just so he learnt to appreciate my presence when I returned 🤷‍♀️

DaxtheDestroyer · 31/07/2021 08:15

I would still have left and gone for my haircut. When my second DC was born, my DH had a medical problem which resulted in him having major surgery when DC was 3 months old. It took him a long time to recover and I didn't leave him with the baby because he just couldn't physically pick them up. He still did whatever he could with our toddler but it was limited. It meant I first went out and left him with them when youngest was 9 months old and that was when they were both asleep. Typically, that was the one day the baby woke up and was sick in their cot and DH couldn't pick them up to change the sheet. He had to call for help but he called his mother because he knew how much I needed just a little break away.
He was DESPERATE to be able to look after his own children normally and did everything he could to push himself to recover enough to do so.

Debetswell · 31/07/2021 08:15

@theologianextradionaire

OP what you are failing to realise is that he is a shit Dad.

Not properly parenting his own children and deflecting it onto you is being shit.

Many parents have GAD (I'm one!) and manage to parent their children.

He's been taking the piss for a long time. Time to wake up and take stock.

He may be shit but tbf some women set df up for failure by insisting parenting is done their way. We don't know how much the OP has undermined her dh parenting. My dh was confident with dc because I treated him like an equal partner.
Franklydear · 31/07/2021 08:16

@delishUsh if you remember that comment 5 years later, I bet it wasn’t the only one, to me indicates an attitude, a servitude you want to escape from

I know you didn’t ask for this, but you asked and we told you what we would say, or wouldn’t need to as is the case for most, and why

GoldBar · 31/07/2021 08:16

Dp is actually a great dad

A great dad is one who can (and does) do all the stuff that mummy does.

Dragon50 · 31/07/2021 08:16

You know what’s really sad? He missed out on an entire tranche of parenting from newborn up.

Presumably the DC do not see him as an equal parent and I assume they don’t seek him out if they need/want something as those bonds are made from early care.

Unless he did actually do the feeding, bathing, getting to sleep from early but just with you in the house?

NoNotYou · 31/07/2021 08:18

@delishUsh

Up until then he'd never had them on his own for more than 20 minutes. They slept that whole time anyway.

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.

Zone out with 3yr old twins? That is a talent!!
notacooldad · 31/07/2021 08:21

I'd have laughed, said "Nice try, mate" and gone for my haircut
This is exactly the right thing to do.
I have never ever cancelled an appointment or a date with friends because mybhusbandcwasctoo frightened yo parent.
Another appropriate responsecwoukd be ' grow the fuck up"

Your first mistake is that he has never had them for more than 20 minutes!
Your second was to cancel your appointment.

I wasn't willing to leave them with him as when he gets stressed he can zone out completely, so I couldn't risk it.
He would have learned how to manage the situation, like you have over the years.

Actually a third response could have been ' dont be so pathetic!'

Couchbettato · 31/07/2021 08:21

I think he way pulling your leg and he has been for a long time!

I would have walked out and closed the door.

Staying would have just contributed to his learned helplessness. Stop putting your needs off because he's a shit dad.

Don't enable him.

Foghead · 31/07/2021 08:22

If he’s such a great dad, why are you remembering that comment still?
What does it mean to you? Is he a great husband too?