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Original poster

Said by dp ' but i'm not a mummy, you are'

273 replies

delishUsh · 31/07/2021 07:13

How would you respond to this?

A thread has reminded me about a time I asked dp to look after our dtwins when they were young, about 3.

I wanted to get a haircut so asked dp to look after them for about an hour. He initially agreed but just before I was leaving the twins started squabbling. I calmed them down and was about to leave. One twin then took a toy the other wanted and they were off again. I asked dp to settle them as I needed to leave.
He looked horrified and then said I'm not a mummy you are! I don't know how to stop them. He then claimed it was too stressful for him to look after them and so I called the hairdressers and cancelled.

Ended up having a haircut at home with the twins playing around my feet/sat on my lap, whilst dp was at work.

What would you have said/done if that was said to you?

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 31/07/2021 07:50

I had anxiety so bad I could barely breathe, or function. Still looked after my kids tho.

BlueLobelia · 31/07/2021 07:51

Ask him if you have a magic uterus or he has a magic penis that prevents him from pulling his fucking weight.

I actually did that to a friend of DH's who proudly procalimed that he had never in his life changed a single nappy. warning- it tends to be considered rude. Grin

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 31/07/2021 07:52

You’ve totally facilitated his pathetic behaviour by cancelling your hair and by pandering to him for three years. You see it on here all the time. It should never have got this far. I do wonder whether women have a need to feel that they’re the one that is needed or the one that can cope. We don’t help ourselves sometimes.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MuseumGardens · 31/07/2021 07:53

I'd have said "It'll be good practice for you" and left

Dragon50 · 31/07/2021 07:55

How the hell do you get 3 years in without having looked after your child solo?

I know it happens one of my relatives lives like this but I cannot fathom it.

How long ago was this OP and what are the plans going forward?

This needs to be reversed ASAP, what’s his relationship like with the kids?

BastardMonkfish · 31/07/2021 07:55

@LemonLemonLemon

“If I left you, you’d have to do far more parenting than you do now because you’d have them every weekend…”
Haha I remember pointing this out to my DCs father during an argument in the very early days, also that he would have to pay for childcare for his half of the week if we split up. He was stunned into silence when he realised without me his responsibilities wouldn't just vanish but would massively increase.
Iggly · 31/07/2021 07:56

@delishUsh

Hope this doesn't seem like I'm drip feeding.

He was diagnosed with GAD just after the twins were born. This obviously causes problems when it comes to looking after our dc on his own.
I should have mentioned it in the op, but was more focused on the comment he made at the time.

Mentioning now as I don't want to make it appear that he's 'pathetic' as some of you have suggested.

I just think the comment from him was unnecessary .

I’m sorry to hear about his GAD. However I don’t think this gives him a get out clause. He needs to find ways to deal with his role as a father, not use GAD as a catch all excuse.

What lead to his diagnosis while you were pregnant?

Original poster
delishUsh · 31/07/2021 07:56

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.

OP posts:
Mantlemoose · 31/07/2021 07:57

Can't say I would have asked him in the first place. I'd just have told him I was off to get my haircut. As soon as you 'ask' then you've lost the game anyway.

Dragon50 · 31/07/2021 07:57

To answer directly, it wouldn’t have happened in my house (DH took DC out as newborn but I used to go to bed at 8 leaving him with expressed BM so he was capable from day 1).

If it did, I probably would have just walked out anyway.

Iggly · 31/07/2021 07:58

@delishUsh

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.
Most of us would be shocked and absolutely pissed off if our partners said such nonsense.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/07/2021 07:59

I would have been in jail before they reached 3 tbh.

Starseeking · 31/07/2021 07:59

@Galassia

“Pretend that I have died for the next three hours!” Then walked out the door.

This is great SmileSmileSmile

Fiddliestofsticks · 31/07/2021 08:00

Saying, "but I'm not a mummy" when it's your turn to watch the kids and deal with bickering is pathetic. It just is.
Sorry he's your husband.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 31/07/2021 08:01

@delishUshif my husband said that to me (he wouldn’t) I would have told him to stop being ridiculous he’s a parent and what better time to practice than now and walked out the door. I’d have also taken my time and stopped for a coffee on the way back. We view parenting as a joint effort and I wouldn’t out how with this and my husband would be sad / ashamed if he didn’t have the same bond with the kids.
That said he parents in a different way from me and I have to stop myself interfering and telling him to do it my way.
You say this was a while ago did things improve?

Crabsy · 31/07/2021 08:01

I am continually amazed that a) men like this actually exist and b) women think it’s a good idea to have children with them. It honestly astounds me.

Crabsy · 31/07/2021 08:02

@SpiderinaWingMirror 😂

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/07/2021 08:02

By 3 he should be more than capabke of settling them.

I had a friend walk my ds round the town whilst i had my haurcut when my ds was 1 year old.

I would have got him to make a plan take time upstairs, in the bath so he could become confident. In 3 years you had no more than 20 minutes without the twins. I would consider him completely selfish

Crabsy · 31/07/2021 08:03

Just seen your update. Thousands of women suffer from anxiety and still manage to parent their own children for at least an hour at a time. You’ve not helped your DH by enabling him to get out of anything that makes him feel uncomfortable.

Standrewsschool · 31/07/2021 08:04

At three he should have some idea how to look after his children.

The mummy comment on its own wouldn’t bother me so much. However, not wanting to look after his own children so his wife can go to the hairdressers is a bit lame

Original poster
delishUsh · 31/07/2021 08:04

@Dragon50

How the hell do you get 3 years in without having looked after your child solo?

I know it happens one of my relatives lives like this but I cannot fathom it.

How long ago was this OP and what are the plans going forward?

This needs to be reversed ASAP, what’s his relationship like with the kids?

Like I said, he watched them for the odd 20 minutes before this, whilst I showered etc. We both worked and my dm would look after twins till I came home.

The twins are now 8.

Dp is actually a great dad and although he still isn't confident looking after them for long periods, he can take them on days out, cinema trips etc.

OP posts:
GoldBar · 31/07/2021 08:04

If you're asking what I would have done had my DH said that to me, I would have said, "Well, guess what, you're a daddy and now's your chance to do some daddying." I would probably also have gone for a coffee after my hair appointment to better manage my rage and ensure I didn't tear him limb from limb on my return.

If you're asking what I would have done if in a relationship with your DP, I don't know. I don't know your DP or whether I could safely leave the kids with him. All I know is that lots of men seem to have conditions which prevent them parenting while women with similar conditions manage to crack on. So I might be judgemental but my sympathy is limited. Men get away with it because women are around to pick up the pieces. Women pick up the pieces because, if they don't, no one else will.

theologianextradionaire · 31/07/2021 08:05

OP what you are failing to realise is that he is a shit Dad.

Not properly parenting his own children and deflecting it onto you is being shit.

Many parents have GAD (I'm one!) and manage to parent their children.

He's been taking the piss for a long time. Time to wake up and take stock.

MizMoonshine · 31/07/2021 08:05

This morning we're going to the zoo. He wakes up about 5 mins before me, starts changing the babies nappy. I wake up and go for a wee, having noticed the shopping delivery pull up. I go downstairs, unpack all the shopping cook breakfast for Him, my mum, myself and the two kids. I call him down for breakfast and get back
"Can you come and take the baby so I can have a wee?".
In the entire time I've been up and sorting things out he's been sat on the bed like a lemon. Hasn't done a thing. I tell him to put the baby in her cot so he can pee. He comes downstairs with her, wearing her pyjama top and a nappy.
If he genuinely thought he was stranded up there the least he could have done was dress her.
I don't think it occurs to a lot of men that "mummy" doesn't have cheat codes. We've not inherited ancient wisdom as soon as we have given birth.
It's wild.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2021 08:06

@delishUsh

I didn't make this thread to call my dp a shit dad or pathetic. It was a shit comment that he gave and just wanted a view on what others would have done/said at that time.
You must be new here. Becayse when you present your husband as a snap shot of pathetic ans shit to sixteen million people on line they are going to take you at your word, and not being able to look after his own kids for a couple of hours would indeed be classified as shit and pathetic.